Posts made by nhalizegt

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession.
"Today Father Goodwin told me I had the gates of Heaven between my legs, and that he had the Key to Heaven. Then opened my gates with his key."
"That bastard!" says Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet, and I've been blowing it."

Q: What's a 68?
A: You do me and I owe you!

A young woman goes to her doctor and finds out that she is pregnant.
She says, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony, and we only practice sex with our eyes."
The doctor replies, "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A. The girl who can eat the last donut.

A couple at an art gallery see a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but the huband keeps looking.
She asks, "What are you waiting for?"
He replies, "Autumn."

You've been married to the women for 20 years. She don't use nothing but Dial soap. Her mama uses Dial soap. All seven of her sisters use Dial soap in their seven respective homes. You can go through purse, pocketbook, and find Dial coupons any given time of the day or night. Damn you if you come home smelling like Zest!

Q: What is the height of noise?

A: Two skeletons f**king on a tin roof.

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice:
"Listen up kids! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"S**t!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.

He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."

"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."

"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

Q: How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70s?
A: Even the guys' penises have sideburns.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget."

They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it again?" This time it's even more passionate.

Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, I know it's getting late, but I think we can do it one more time."

"That's easy for you to say," she complains. "You don't have to get up in the morning."

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.
''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''

A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ''OK, honey,'' he says, ''this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.'' The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees.
So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ''Doc, doc, how bad is it?''
''That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob.''

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway."
The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah….7lbs, 21inches."

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson tells him that when it rains to go outside and rub Vaseline on it because it makes it look nice and shiny.
Later that night, he goes to eat at his girlfriend's house, and the rule at thier house is if you talk during supper you have to do the dishes.
So they are eating and he looks at his girlfriend and kisses her. Nobody says anything. So he fucks her right at the table and nobody says anything.
So he looks over at her mom and kisses her too. Nobody says anything. So he does her too. Next thing he knows he looks outside and it is starts to rain outside, so he grabs the Vaseline out of his pocket.
At that his girlfriend's dad stands up and says, ''Okay. I will do the damn dishes.''

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish – let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

I don't think I could be gay. I just like girls too much. Man, girls are neat. I'm gonna get one, I think.

What's the highest position in the Greek Navy?
Rear Admiral!

Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?

A: With a crowbar.