Posts made by nhalizegt

What is Moby Dick's father's name?
Papa Boner.

How is a soyburger like a dildo?
They''re both substitutes for meat.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first.
He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline.
The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"
Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk."

A women came home one day with a mirror and told her husband it was magic. Her husband told her to prove it.
She said watch, ''Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my boobs biggest of all.''
Sure enough, they grew huge.
The husband was amazed and said, "Ooh, oooh, let me try! Mirror, mirror show me more, make my dick touch the floor.''
His legs fell off.

A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?”
Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.”
The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One – you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”

What do mice and men have in common?
They both run around hunting for holes!

The forecast calls for a wintry mix followed by a warming trend of you in my hot tub.

A man walks up to a stranger in the street.
"Do you like pussy cats?" said the stranger.
"Yeah, I do," said the man. "But how did you know my name was 'Katz?''

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.

Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?
A: "Your jeans fit like a glove."

Q: What's the difference between a fat person and a virgin?
A: A fat person is trying to diet, and a virgin is dying to try it.

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over. To try and keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say "tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night. You got mayonnaise in my eye!"

Q: How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
A: She tried to read her own lips.

What does a guy say when he's going to masturbate?
"I'm gonna to go hit the sack!"

How is a hurricane like a marriage?
At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's over your house is gone.

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire."
The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."
So the crocodile bit his legs off.

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."
"They don't."
"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.
"I can't get into these."
"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

How can you tell if a man is lying?
His lips are moving