Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: What does a woman do with her a**hole when she's having a orgasm?
A: She leaves him at home with the kids.

Q: What is worse than waking up the morning after an orgy with pubic hair in your teeth?

A: Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells."

God came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Well, give me the good news first," Adam replied.
"I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet."

Adam exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
"The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor.

After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?"

Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Q: What's the difference between "oooh" and "ahhhh?"

A: About four inches.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with the light on.

Q: What do you get when you cross donkey DNA with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

Did you hear about the man that was born with both sexes?
He had a dick and a brain!

While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a piss." The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word." So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to pee!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have bigger tits you'd be a ten."

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"
"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.
"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch.
"You used to sit closer to me," said the woman. So the man moved closer.
"You used to put your arm around me." So the man put his arm around her.
"You used to nibble on my ear."
"Let me get my teeth."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.

A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in the forest. One day, a sapling grows between them, and each swears that it's not their son. The beech thinks it's a son-of-a-birch, and the birch thinks it's a son-of-a-beech. To settle it, they enlist the help of a woodpecker, who checks it out.
"You are both wrong," he says when he comes back up. "That's the best piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in."

Q: What did the nut say to the bolt?
A: "Screw me."

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69's a mouthful.

Q: What's green and eats nuts?

A: Syphilis.

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.