Posts made by nhalizegt

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill – I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

Q: What do you get when you cross a pickle with a female deer?
A: A dildo.

Q: How are blondes like pianos?
A: When they're not upright, they're grand.

A blonde goes to an international message center to call her mother. When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, "I don't have that kind of money, but I'll do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

He tells the blonde to follow him and takes her into a back room. He unzips his pants and takes out his penis. The blonde gets on her knees, brings it toward her mouth and says, "Hello? Mom?"

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom.
The pharmacist asks, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
The duck replies, "What kind of duck do you think I am?"

Q: What does a perverted parrot say?

A: Polly want a rim job.

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.

The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."

The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.
''What's that?'' asked Jenny.
''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.'''

Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

Three penises were talking to each other, and the first penis said, "I like my master; he lets me look outside."
The second penis said, "I like my master; he plays with me."
The third penis said, "I hate my master; he puts me in a rubber suit and pushes me in and out of a dark cave till I puke.''

A man goes to his doctor's office to get his penis enlarged. The doctor comes in with a tray of penises, and the man says, ''You got any bigger ones?''
The doctor comes in with another tray, but the man still wants something bigger.
The doctor comes in with yet another tray, and the man finally says, "I'll take one of those. But do you have any in white?"

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery – thought I'd share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.

"Howdy, neighbor!" calls the man in the truck. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "

"Well, that's mighty fine of you," the city guy replies.

"It's going to be great," the neighbor adds. "There's gonna be eatin', drinkin', fightin', and f**kin'!"

"Sounds great," the city guy replies. "What should I wear?"

"Aww, it don't matter," the neighbor says. "It's just gonna be you and me!"

How is parsley like pubic hair?
You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.

Q: Why can't blondes parallel park?
A: Because guys keep telling them that 1 inch is really 6 inches.

An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."