Posts made by nhalizegt

Did you hear about the X-rated murder mystery?
In the end, everybody did it!

Q: What do porcupines say after they kiss?
A: "Ouch."

Q: Why don't politicians use bookmarks?

A: Because they prefer to bend pages.

Q: What do you get when you cross Pikachu with porn?
A: Pikascrew.

Cover charge: $15

Round of drinks: $23

Table dance: $30

A round of shots: $34

Private dance in your hotel room: $300

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they would do it, she would complain about splinters, so Pinocchio went to Gepetto about the problem.
Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"
Pinocchio said, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with his mistress naked in bed. As he was kissing her red, red lips, he stopped.
"To kiss your red lips, I need red wine." So he poured red wine over her lips and continued to kiss her. He moved on to her white, white breasts.
"To kiss your white breasts, I need white wine." So he poured white wine over her breasts and continued to kiss them. He then moved on to her bush. He poured brandy all over it and set it alight.
"Louis!" she screamed. "What are you doing?"
"Baby," he said, "when I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"

Q: What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window.
"Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?"
"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.
"One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."

An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife – but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.
"No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!"
"I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Once there was a guy that went in a whorehouse and says, “What can I get for five bucks?” The madam says, “Second door on the right and fk whatever is there.” He goes, sees a pig, figured “Whaddya want for five bucks?” and fks it.
The next week he comes back and asks what he can get for $20. The madam says, “Second floor, second door on the right, watch what happens.” He goes in, sits down and looks down, he sees a glass floor with a view of a guy fking a chicken on the first floor. He says to the man next to him, “Look at him with the chicken. That's crazy.” The guy responds, “You shoulda been here last week – some guy was fking a pig!”

Q: What is the definition of a chauvinist pig?
A: A guy who hates every bone in a woman's body except his own.

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy – it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.
"Mom's weighing the mailman."

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

What is the difference between a pickpocket and a gynecologist?
A pickpocket snatches watches and a gynecologist watches snatches.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill dough.

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"
The guy whispers, "All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants."
In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?" The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."

There was this one lady that bought a jar of pickles every week .So she puts the pickle in the hole on her floor and starts humping it then the mailman rings the doorbell and she gets up, kicks the pickle and gets the mail. The next day she does the same thing and screws the pickle. The mailman waits everyday, so he looks in the window and sees her screwing the pickle then he rings the doorbell.

The next day he gets a substitute to do his routes. So he goes in the lady's basement and paints his dick green. When she put the pickle in he takes it out and sticks his dick in and the lady doesnt know its not the pickle so she just screws it. Later on the substitute mailman rings the doorbell and then the lady kicks the pickle and gets the mail.