Posts made by nhalizegt

How do you get a redneck gal pregnant?
Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed.
Little Red Riding Hood said, ''Grandma, what big eyes you have!''
Grandma: ''The better to see you with, my dear.''
Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what big ears you have!''
Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear.''
Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what a big mouth you have!''
Grandma: ''Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's d**k?!?''

Q: How do you recycle a condom?
A: Turn it inside out and shake the f**k out of it.

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

A prostitute on the street was approached by a young man. He asked her how much. She replied $100 for a blow job, $150 for sex, and $250 for a Monica. Knowing what the first two were he was curious about the third so he asked her what a Monica was. She replied, ''I blow you now and screw you later.''

Q: What did Raggedy Ann do when she was horny?
A: She sat on Pinocchio's nose and said, “Tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie!!!”

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
A: She sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to lie.

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Q: What do you call a one-man quickie?
A: A yankee.

Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sex with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a boner their head would be chopped off.

So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a boner, so that was the end of him.

Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a boner and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a boner. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a boner.

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

A college psychology class was studing human reaction to sexual stimulus and of special interest was the frequency of amorous relations.
''How many students here,'' said the professor, ''engage more than once a week?''
Five people raised their hands.
''And how many engage once a week?''
Ten hands went up.
''How many twice a month?''
Eight hands went up.
''Once a month?''
Four hands were raised.
''And how may once a year?''
A little guy in the back waved his hand frantically and giggled hysterically.
''If you engage only once a year,'' said the professor, ''I don't see what you're so overjoyed about.''
Flush with excitement, the little guy said, ''Yeah, but tonight's the night!''

Q: Have you heard about the blonde psychology major working her way through college as a prostitute?

A: For $50, she'll screw with your mind.

Q: Why can't psychics have children?
A: Their husbands have crystal balls.

Q: What did the leper say the the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.

A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you – I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''