Posts made by nhalizegt

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one day.
"You know what? Junior's 21. It's time we taught him about sex. Junior, get out here!". Junior runs out. 'Junior, I think it's time to teach you about sex."
"Sex," says Junior. "What's sex?"
"Well," Pa says. "Take off your clothes, Ma."
So Ma takes off her clothes. "You see that hole in Ma? Watch this."
Pa starts doing it right there on the porch. A little while goes by and Junior's younger brother, Bubba comes out on the porch and asks what's going on.
"Ma and Pa are teaching me about sex."
"Sex? What's sex?"
"See that hole in Pa? Watch this!"

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Q: What's the similarity between a Rubik's Cube and a penis?

A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

Q: What's about six inches long and produces a white, frothy substance when rubbed back and forth and in and out?

A: A toothbrush.

On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.

The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

There is this third grade class with this kid named Rotten Reggie in it. One day, the teacher decides that she will ask the class one question every Friday and the student who gets it right can stay home from school on Monday. The whole class thinks this is a great idea – especially Reggie. On the first Friday, the teacher asks the kids how many buckets of sand are in the deserts of Egypt. No one knows and the kids are very pissed off. The next Friday, the teacher asks who was the first sailor to sail arround the world. No one knows again. Rotten Reggie is getting real pissed off now, so he goes home and spray paints two golf balls black. The next Friday right when the teacher says it is time for the question, Reggie rolls the two balls to the front of the room. The teacher picks the balls up.
"All right, who is the comedian with two black balls?"
"Eddie Murphy! See ya on Tuesday!"

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent".
''No, I want to show off my rosebuds!'' she said and bounded out the door. The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.
''Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!''
''No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets.''

Two teenagers walk through a park and see two rabbits getting it on, fast and furious.
"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"They're jumping rope," says the boy. "Maybe I'll teach you how someday."
"I want you to teach me now," says the girl. So the two go behind some bushes and start getting it on. When the boy has his pants down, the girl asks, "What's behind your 'rope?'"
"That's my knot," says the boy.
"Well," says the girl, "untie the knot and give me some more rope."

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture – soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money to go to the whore house. His dad gives him 20 bucks and says, "Son, get it done. But one thing before you go, whatever you do, don't venture into Room 88." The kid agrees.
He gets to the whore house and says to the lady at the desk, "Hi, I would like to get a room."
She responds, "Sorry young man. The only room left is Room 88."
The kid, dripping with horniness, takes it despite his father's warning. When he gets up there, there is a hole in the wall. It says, "Insert cock here for pleasure." He walks over, sticks it in, and gets his ck sucked for an hour and a half and explodes inside the mystery mouth hidden behind the wall.
He gets home and tells his dad he had his dk sucked by a real pro in Room 88.
His dad turns deathly pale and cries, "Uh, oh. That was you?"

What is a Rodeofuck? You start by screwing your wife doggie-style, then you put your hands on her shoulders then whisper in her ear that her sister is a better lay than her. Then try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Did you here about the man that died from eating Rocky Mountain Oysters?
The bull must have drug him a mile!

Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.

The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: His d**k was stuck in the chicken.

One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away."
The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his penis. Immediately, he went to the doctor.
"I have some good news and some bad news," said the doctor. "The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Please help me! I've got a problem."

The doctor examines the man and finds a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

"It's all cleared up," the man reports when he returns. "What was that medication you gave me?"

"Lipstick remover."

Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish i could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "i wish my whole body was covered in curly hair because my sister has a small patch between her legs and that is how she got both of those cars.

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"
Red said, "To grandma's."
Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."
Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."
The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"
She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"
And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off."
"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.
"No, you ain't," said Little Red.
"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.
Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."