Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?
A: Bubblegum – and you should be ashamed of yourself.

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who said, "If you marry my daughter, I will give you my house and all of my money." Sure enough the guy says yes. The rich man then warned him that his daughter had been in a terrible car accident and was a little messed up, both physically and mentally. The guy figures she couldn't be that messed up and doesn't change his mind.
So he married the girl – who was that messed up -- and on the honeymoon, instead of having to look at her, he put a paper bag over her head when they were having sex. And the guy used the bag every time they had sex after that
One day, while the guy was doing some work around the house, he dropped his hammer and said, "Honey, can you get the hammer for me?" The wife shuffled around muttering, "Huh? Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer," and finally picked it up.
After she gave it back to him, he dropped the box of nails and asked, "Honey, can you get nails for me?" She went to fetch it, mumbling, "Huh? Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She hands him the nails and he goes back to work.
While the guy is hammering a nail, he accidentally struck his thumb and shouted, "Aww, f**k!" The wife says, "Huh? get the bag, get the bag, get the bag...."

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

"You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."

Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.

"Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs."

Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.

"Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina."

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date. When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra, which he does. She then asks him to remove her panties and he this this also.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
    "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
    "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
    The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
    The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
    The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

After 35 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea."

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute. When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he'd send it to her in an envelope marked ''Rent for Apartment.'' The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn't pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:
1. I thought the apartment had not been used before.
2. It did not have adequate heating.
3. It was too large to properly furnish.
A few days later the prostitute sent him another letter saying:
1. You should have known the apartment had been rented previously.
2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn't know how to turn it on.
3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn't have large enough furniture to fill it.

Did you hear about the redneck who went to the hospital to have a mole removed from his d*ck?

He swore off sex with them creatures forever.

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go to town and blow a couple of bucks.

Q: What happens if you cut off your right butt cheek?
A: You'll be left behind.

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?
When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.

A redneck takes his daughter to the doctor to get birth control pills. The doctor wonders if she's a little young for birth control pills and asks her father if she's sexually active. The father replies, “No, she just kinda lays there, just like her mother.”

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin!

Q: What do you call a redneck with a pig under one arm and a sheep under the other?

A: Bisexual.

thanks guys

lol

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his dick.
One of the the guys looked at the other and said, ''I wish that I could do that.''
The other one then said, 'Don't be stupid, man - that dog would bite you!''