A gay guy pays a visit on his doctor and confides that he has, um, a vibrator stuck up his ass.
The doc says, "No problem, I'll have it out shortly."
"Oh, no, don't remove it."
The doc says, puzzled, "Then what do you want me to do?"
"Change the batteries, please."
:cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: Nice Guys !!! More please!!!
 Very funny guys thanks for the additions!!!!
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorableinfidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penisoff. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little
girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked
their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
such a young age, the father replied, 'It….it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..
'Sure had a big dick, didn't it
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.
I don't know about you sometimes..
THIS PAGE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION
BUT FEEL FREE TO LOOK AT WHAT I'VE WRITTEN SO FAR
PART2: UNIFORMS
Did Ponch & Jon give you a woody? Do you set your VCR to record "Cops?"
Or have you just been driving in circles to keep checking out the motor cop doing traffic?
Well, whatever the trigger, you've now got the police uniform fetish.. but don't know how to get the gear?
Here's a little advice to get started.
First off – Remember -- DO NOT go out on the street in a uniform and actually pretend to be a cop. It's illegal. Some uniforms may be illegal depending on where you live. A lot of the equipment is illegal to wear in public as well. We'll go through some of the legal issues below.. but for now, let's get you suited up...
This section is dealing solely with police uniforms. If you have other uniform fetishes, check another site that caters to your needs. Just a reminder - this page is aimed at novices. Since this is a fetish, you're going to want a motor officer's uniform (with breeches and boots). So how do you find one? Let's get started...
POLICE GEAR
THE UNIFORM 
So let's look at the basic uniform first. You need to decide what color you're after. If you have a specific dept. in mind, go for it. But my suggestion: Get a simple dark blue uniform first. It's the main color of most police departments today, and looks the most professional.
Unless you're already a cop, you really can't walk into a cop shop and buy a uniform (especially after 9/11, they've got much more restrictive about it). So what can you do? The best thing to do is buy the pieces seperately via mail order and put them together. In other words – buy the shirt and sew the patches on yourself.
Uniform Shirt.
Again: My suggestion -- buy a dark blue uniform first. There are plenty of websites to buy these from - See the links below. Another good source is Ebay. You used to be able to buy full uniforms there! Then Ebay got restrictive as well.
But you can still find patchless uniform shirts at a decent price on Ebay.
A good uniform shirt will cost you $30-$50.
Make sure it has pleats/seams down the front and back.
The badge holder should be grommets -- not just holes.
Material should be Poly/Cotton blend.
Notable Brands:
Breeches.
A little harder to find these, but there are definitely sources out there on the internet. There are a few good links below for that. What you're looking for here is a snug fit. Cops really don't wear flared breeches anymore.
Poly breeches will cost you about $125.
Wool breeches will cost you about $225.
Wool is heavier, but the standard for many departments like LAPD.
Try to get the appropriate stripe sewn on. Most companies will do it for $10 extra.
Pants.
You don't need them. So don't waste your money. Once you slip on a pair of breeches and patrol boots, you'll never wear pants again.
A Full Uniform.
Boots Plus used to offer a deal on a full LAPD or CHP uniform. I haven't seen it listed in a while, but check their site (free areas - "shop"), it may come back... You'll find it at hXXp://www.bootsplus.com.
You'll also find other uniform goodies there, including other breeches and used gear.
NOTABLE WEBSITES TO CHECK:
• Boots Plus: Full Uniforms and Used Gear.
• CycleCop.com: Great for breeches and misc. motorcop gear.
• Gall's: Everything from uniform shirts to leather goods.
• QuarterMaster: Good for shirts & patches (do a search for patches)
• Chief Supply: Police & Fire uniforms.
• Black & Tans: A bulletin board for swapping police gear.
• Ebay: A good source for shirts, breeches and police duty leathers.
FULL LEATHER UNIFORM
You have a fetish for leather… You have a fetish for Uniforms.. So why not take the next logical step and mix the two? Having a full leather uniform made is pretty much the peak of fetish.
Mix the two fetishes together for a very authoritative look. But if you're going to spend the money, get your gear made custom. It looks so much better. Find a local leathermaker who can do this, or you can try to do it long distance from a notable leathermaker.
Features to Look For:
Uniform Shirt
You can find one off the rack in many leather shops. Some are good, but again - for better fit and style - Go Custom. If you have a cloth uniform shirt that fits you well, have a leather maker duplicate it.
A few things to make sure the Leather Tailor does:
Breeches
Sometimes you can find leather police breeches on Ebay.. And there are a few sites that sell off-the-rack breeches, but not many. This item really has to be made custom. The prices are usually close enough between off-the-rack and custom anyway, so just get it done right, and go custom.
You really have to be measured in person for this.. there are many variables. And even if you found a pair on the 'net that may fit your waist.. they may not fit your calves.
A few things to make sure the Leather Tailor does:
NOTABLE CUSTOM LEATHER MAKERS:
• VK79 - Berlin
• Rawhides - Near NYC
• David Samuel Menkes - NYC
• Johnson Leather - San Francisco
• Mr. S Leather - San Francisco
When you find out how much you love your leather breeches, you'll tend to wear them more often. And after a long period, you'll build up an aroma of sweat, piss, and cum inside them. And it's not really that pleasant.
It's like B.O. for your leather gear. So how do you get rid of that?
Saddle Soap? Leather Cleaner? Alcohol Spray? Nope, they don't work.
But here's what does – Urine Gone.
Yes, that awful infomercial about a spray to get rid of pet smells in your home (the video plays automatically on their site. I love the first line -- "Is your pet a peeing machine?")
It has enzymes that eat up the bacteria causing the smells, leaving a neutral non-scent. Be sure to only spray it on the inside of your breeches, the rough side of the leather. It's quite effective at getting rid of the b.o. smell.
You can also save yourself a few bucks and some time -- Pick it up at Bed Bath & Beyond for $20.
This is where "under construction" takes over. As soon as the blog is updated I will fill in any missing info!!
BOOTS
Top Intro Text
Features to Look For:
Bullet Point
Info
Bullet Point
Info
Bullet Point
Info
Bullet Point
Info
NOTABLE WEBSITES TO CHECK:
• Stomper's Boots: Assorted patrol & other styles
• Big Black Boots: Assorted patrol & other styles
• Dehner Boots: The quintessential patrol boot
• Wesco Boots: Some patrol; mostly biker styles
• Hot Boots: Links to several more bootmakers
VEST 
IMPORTANCE: 8
A good leather vest is a pretty basic element that you should have in your fetish wardrobe. There are plenty of styles to choose from, but your best bet here is to get a leather "bar" vest.
Features to Look For:
Style.
As just mentioned, a leather bar vest is your best first vest purchase. It's a simple, masculine design, meant to show your chest. A good bar vest will typically cost $75-$100. You want to make sure the fit is tight. It should not hang over your chest, but rather to the sides of it. (see pics to the right)
Other Vests.
You can buy a biker vest, or western style, or one that looks like a standard biker jacket without sleeves. Lots of choices. Whatever you buy, the point it to make sure it fits right. If you wind up with a big bulky piece of leather, it makes you look awkward… sometimes fat. So make sure it fits you right!
The Leather.
If you buy a bar vest -- make sure it has a good shine to it. In fact, most any vest should have a good shine to it. Leather should almost always be soft. Beware of "damp" leather. It will wind up molding.
Where to Buy a Vest.
There are tons of places you can do this. But please don't buy one in the mall. And avoid crappy leather stores in tourist trap districts. The merchandise in these stores is often moderately priced, but very low quality. Imported from some god-forsaken country with slave labor. And the leather usually feels plasticky. Remember, you get what you pay for. So shop wisely.
Stick to fetish shops, or true leather stores (where they make the goods on premises.)
JACKET 
IMPORTANCE: 9
Okay, this is something you likely already have. But just make sure you have a good one. There are several types of leather jackets that are acceptable as "fetish," but primarily these are jackets that are meant for motorcycle riders. Either true biker leathers or even racing leathers work well here. Also leather police jackets work fine.
Features to Look For:
The Fit.
Now this part is quite important. Make sure the jacket fits you properly! You don't want a big bulky piece of leather - You wind up looking fat. Look at the way the jacket fits the guy to the left. He wears it perfectly. That should be your goal. If you can afford custom, go for it. Otherwise try on several different jackets until you find the one that fits you perfectly. Zip it up, make sure there's no air bulge in your stomach. It's best if there are lacings at the bottom sides of the jacket so you can adjust the fit.
Style.
Essentially, I summed that up above. You want to have at least one good basic leather jacket in your wardrobe. Pick the right style, and you can wear it over and over again. A standard motorcycle jacket is best. Wide lapels, button down collar. With a belt that is not sewn onto the jacket. (It should be a good wide belt). Epaulets are your own personal choice, but to me they tend to look a bit over the top. If you get them, they look best when they're sewn down in the middle (to avoid flapping.) Avoid gaudy hardware.
Quality.
I've said this already, avoid the plasticky looking leather. I remember when I was 16 and saved up $50.. went to Alexander's in Paramus, NJ and bought my first leather coat. It wasn't anything great.. and the kids at school said "Hey - what a great pleather jacket you got." Yup, "pleather" as in plasticky leather. Aim for quality. You can find a good leather MC jacket for about $200. A great one for $400 and up.
What to Avoid.
Don't go overboard on the zippers.
It winds up looking like a Michael Jackson leather jacket.
Avoid fur collars. Unless you're a pilot from the 1940's, it just doesn't work.
Avoid jackets with knit cuffs or a knit waistband. You're buying a leather jacket.. so make sure it's completely made of leather!
Don't buy your fetish-oriented leather at the mall. Buy from a real leather dealer.
NOTABLE WEBSITES TO CHECK:
• Johnson's Leather: My personal favorite place in SF to buy leather. Great custom work too. Good prices.
• Classic Motorcycle Jackets: My favorite leather jacket came from here. They're not cheap! But well worth the price.
• Vanson: Professional heavy duty racing gear and motorcycle leathers.
• Langlitz: Custom leathers with a long waiting list. If you've got the money, these are the best leathers you can buy.
• Branded Leather: If you find yourself in Queens, NY – check out this place. Great leathers, fair prices.
• San Diego Leather Factory: Some great police style jackets at decent prices.
GLOVES 
IMPORTANCE: 8
This may not be something you think of right away, but it really can make a big difference. In my opinion, the right man can look perfect wearing just a pair of gloves and nothing else. EXAMPLE >>
But I digress. They are a great intimidation factor. Tell me the idea of a gloved hand over your mouth doesn't excite you, and somewhat scare you at the same time? Gloves just add that finishing touch. And have an extra special way of attracting other leather fetishists.
A quick story:
In my mid 20's, I was at the DC Eagle on a Thursday night. Not a big crowd, but there was one quite attractive man there.. chaps, gloves, smoking a cigar. I was in chaps, a pair of gloves in my back pocket. So I put them on, lit up a stogie.. and quickly got his attention. He came over to me and said "Now that's hot. A man smoking a cigar with his gloves on." It was definitely one of my more memorable nights.. I was in an oddly masochistic mood, and this guy fit the bill quite right. I let him fuck me (quite rare I let that happen,) and to this day, he is the only one who ever got me to enjoy it.
So, hopefully that little story conveys the power of a pair of gloves.
Features to Look For:
Damascus D302's.
There are plenty of brands out there, but as your first glove purchase, buy Damascus D302's. Hands down, the best glove you can buy. They'll cost you about $35-$40. But you can't beat them. You can find them in any decent cop shop, or look at the links below.
Other Brands.
The next highly recommended brand would be Ram Tough. A little harder to find, but nearly as good as Damascus. I've only seen them in cop shops, and from toughgloves.com. Hatch is so-so. Several people swear by them, but they seem of questionable quality to me.
What to Look For.
You want gloves that are wrist-length. The wrist should also be elasticized. Avoid gloves that have a little "skirt" after the wrist.. sort of sloppy looking. And hardly as intimidating. The look here is "police" - authoritative. That's why you want the clean design. The back of the glove should either have 3 seams or a solid back. You want unlined gloves (for dexterity purposes.)
Sizing.
Medium/Small - 7
Medium - 8
Medium/Large - 9
Large - 10
Most men should prob buy a size 8, since the point is to keep them nice and tight.
What to Avoid.
Don't buy gloves with cut-off fingers.
You really don't want "driving gloves." (They are good to have in your collection, but not to wear in public as part of a fetish look.)
Don't buy lined gloves unless you are using them for practical purposes (i.e., riding a motorcycle in winter weather.)
Make sure the gloves feel like leather.. not plastic. Buy quality.
Unless there is a specific purpose, do not buy colored gloves. Buy black.
Avoid zippers, snaps, etc. Solid leather gloves with no gadgets are best.
NOTABLE WEBSITES TO CHECK:
• Stomper's: Not just boots.. they have a great selection of gloves too.
• ToughGloves: Probably the best selection of gloves you'll find, good prices.
• Damascus: You can't really buy gloves direct, but you'll get a better idea of their products.
OTHER GEAR
Leather Pants 
IMPORTANCE: 4
The Deal on Leather Pants:
Don't get me wrong, I love a man who can wear leather pants right. But practicality-wise, they are awkward for sex. They don't give easy access to your private parts. They have to come off, or dangle around your ankles. That's why I strongly recommend chaps.. they give you the easy access you need. Leather breeches with a zipper down the ass are also a great choice.
Harness 
IMPORTANCE: 3
The Deal on Harnesses:
If you don't have a chest, don't waste your money on a harness. You're just highlighting what you don't have.
If you want a harness, go light on the studs. Buckles look better than studs.
Again: Clean designs work best.
Make sure the straps are at least 2 inches wide. Thin straps are cheaper – and they certainly look it. The wider the strap, the more masculine the look.
Leather Jocks 
IMPORTANCE: 4
The Deal on Jocks:
You bought the chaps, but don't want to "hang out" in public? You can wear jeans.. or just conceal your privates with a nice leather jock. There are too many styles to really tell you what to buy. But a few good points to keep in mind:
Leather Shorts 
IMPORTANCE: 1
The Deal on Shorts:
This is a personal pet peeve of mine.
If you go into a leather shop around Folsom time, you'll see club kids and vanilla faggots buying leather shorts
– so they'll "fit in" at the fair.
It's disturbing. They're circuit queens ruining Christmas for Perverts. That's why I dislike leather shorts.
EXCEPTIONS:
The main exception to my disgust for leather shorts are bodybuilders. They can pull it off. But if you're overweight or rake thin, don't believe it when the salesman says "they look great on you!"
Other exceptions to this rule are more twisted versions of shorts:
Bondage Shorts -- because they serve a good purpose and Crotchless Briefs -- just because they're meant for getting fucked in.
DISCLAIMER
Information is purely advice, and for entertainment purposes only. Do not accept it as pure fact!
Images on these pages were found through news groups, mailing lists and various personal sites. Where thought to be from a certain company, credit is given. The original source is often unknown.
If any pic should not be here due to copyrights, please just send me an email
…and they will gladly be removed or credited with an appropriate link.
hXXp://www.glovdcopsf.com/home.html
Here is a little story : pupkesh turned me on to this Blog address. I was like a kid in a candy shop when I started looking around a bit. Really hot Gallery of Fetish Of The Month Pics,Gear Hunt Section, An E-Bay Auction page and among other pages an incredible Beginners Guide to leather. I was so jealous of this Beginners Guide because I have tried to create the same guide for our little Leather Community here at GT.ru. Well, I took a shot and E-mailed the blogger and asked for permission to use his guide instead of reinventing the wheel. I am happy to announce I was given permission to use his guide!!! I will attempt to recreate his post here to the best of my ability. All text will be an EXACT copy and paste process.
PART ONE : LEATHER
I seem to get a steady stream of emails asking "What should a leather novice do to get started?"
So I decided to write it out here, instead of trying to rewrite it into dozens of individual emails. A lot of it is instinct. Most leather perverts get their start early, before they even realize what "sex" is.
So here's a little advice on how to get started, the better choices to make.. and the mistakes to avoid.
First off - If you see leather as "fashion," stop reading my website and go buy a copy of Vogue. Leather is fetish, not fashion.
Second - Everything below is strictly my opinion. This is primarily advice for beginners to leather. The advanced should already know this material. You should find your own style, your own approach to your new fetish. Don't become a leather clone. These are just some guidelines to avoid the mistakes that many people make… not a bible as to what to do.
Third - Leather is not a cheap fetish. So spend wisely. Don't buy a crappy piece of gear just because it's cheap. Save your money, and buy a quality piece of leather. You'll be much happier with it, and want to wear it more often. Look for sales, and peruse Ebay.com There are always a few bargains to be had there.
Fourth - This guide is designed to get you the basic pieces for your fetish. If you find a unique piece of gear like a German Polizei uniform (green leather uniform) at a bargain, by all means -- buy it.. but remember, it's not gear you'd wear out every week. Once you have the basic elements, you'll find there's one look you're most comfortable in. That's the point I'm trying to stress.
If you can afford custom gear.. it's generally worth your time and money. Investigate. Custom leather gear often isn't much more expensive than off-the-rack. You get a perfect fit, and it's usually better quality leather. If you can find a part-time leathermaker, you might find a bargain and great service. Certain items like leather breeches or leather uniform shirts should always be custom made. Chaps should be custom, or at least altered to fit.
So how do you begin?
You need the basic elements to begin your new leather fetish.
The most important thing to buy: a good pair of chaps. Chaps are the single most versatile piece of leather equipment you'll own. Very easy to travel with, perfect for accessing your private parts while maintaining a heavy leather presence.. And convenient to put on/take off if you're trying to be discreet.
Let's go through some basic equipment..
LEATHER GEAR
CHAPS 
IMPORTANCE: 10
Chaps should be your FIRST major purchase. I can not stress this enough: Chaps are the most versatile piece of leather you'll own. And personally, this is a minimum requirement for many men (including myself) for sex.
Why are they so important? Chaps show a serious interest in leather. And they convey that message to others. Chaps are not fashion. For most leather fetishists - the more leather, the better. And the ability to keep your legs wrapped in dead cow while fucking, or getting fucked, is quite hot.
A good pair of leather chaps will cost you $200 minimum. A great pair of chaps will probably run you about $400. Do NOT buy a $79-$99 pair of chaps. You'll regret it. They're paper thin, have little style, and just don't cut it.
Features to Look For:
Where To Buy Them.
You're nervous about going into a store? Get Over It! These shops are in business to sell leather.. they already know you're a pervert – they're perverts too.
The best places to go are Fetish Leather Shops or Motorcycle Leather Shops. Do not go to a MC Leather Shop with overpriced bikes and a tiny leather dept. Go to a store that specifically sells leather, preferably one that makes their own products on premises. Look around, see what catches your eye, then absolutely let someone help you.
The Fit.
Try on a pair or two. If you're not sure what you're doing -- the salesperson will likely help you put them on. It's okay. Make sure to wear tight jeans so you get a proper fit. The sizing is based on thigh size, not waist size. (so measure your thigh at its widest point - or a salesman can do this for you). And let the leathermaker do alterations so they fit you right. (i.e. length, adjust waistbelt if necessary). Minor alterations shouldn't cost more than about $20-$30.
Weight/Thickness.
The thicker the leather, the better. You want a heavy weight leather. It looks 100% better. And you don't want cheap looking chaps.
Zipper Position.
If you ride a motorcycle, you want the zipper on the outside (so it won't scratch your tank). Otherwise, a zip on the inside is fine.
Chaps to Avoid.
Please don't buy "neoprene" chaps! These are not fetish! They are parachute pants with the crotch cut out. I call them "fakey chaps" because they look good from a distance in a dark bar.. but then you get up close, touch them, you'll say "What the fuck is this fake shit?!?"
The point is for the material to be leather, rubber, or something that turns you on. These aren't even "neoprene" in the true sense of the word -- neoprene was that great thick rubber they made diving suits out of in the 50's and 60's. These are fancy polyester. Sure, they're cheap.. and they look it too.
BOOTS
IMPORTANCE: 10
The next purchase to make:
A good pair of boots or heavy shoes.
If you're just starting out, you don't have to spend a fortune. But a good sturdy pair of black boots or shoes are very basic. Granted, you'll probably want to move on to a pair of Dehner's or Wesco's at some point.. but they're not cheap.
So let's look at the basics of what you want.
Features to Look For:
Engineer Style.
The Tough Look.
Wesco is the most notable brand, but also the most expensive. You can find Carolinas, Danner, Chippewa, Red Wing for a more reasonable price.
This is a good sturdy boot that should last you a long time, and looks masculine. It should have a thick lug sole, and always be black. The boot shaft varies in height. But you generally want them nearly knee-tall - 16" to 18". Try to avoid Engineer boots that come to lower-calf, they look a little awkward.
Harness Boots.
This was pretty much my first pair of boots. Simple design, and comes from several companies. The most notable name is Frye, but there are plenty of companies who make this design. These are normally mid-calf, but look all right that way. A simple harness above the heel. And normally a square toe. A rubber sole is best (otherwise they make too much noise when you walk.)
Work Boots.
These will work in a pinch. If you can find black construction boots, then you're in better shape.
Riding Boots (Police Motor Patrol).
This is for the more uniform-oriented.
Dehner is the primary name in police patrol boots, but very pricey. Minimum cost would be about $400 for a pair of Dehner's. (Though look on Ebay, you can sometimes get lucky.)
Realistically, there are other brands that look just as good, and most people wouldn't know the difference. Look at horse-gear websites, you can find a few bargains there. There are often good pairs for about $125.
These should always be knee-high. Make sure the calf fits well. There should be either a buckle on the top rear, or lacing on the top sides. This ensures a certain tightness around your legs. Lugs on the bottom are often best. Otherwise, a rubber sole is important. (avoid leather soles – they wear out)
Combat Boots.
The easiest thing to find. Styles vary from maker to maker, but try to stick to simple and clean designs. If your budget is very low, try an Army Surplus store. You can usually pick up a used pair for $30 that are in good shape. You'll also find lots of potential kink items in Army Surplus stores.
Shoes.
Can't afford boots? Then find a good pair of work oxfords. They look fine under a pair of chaps or jeans, and work just as well. You can find these almost any place, but be selective in style. Again --simple and clean design. If you're brave enough, go into a cop shop and buy them there. They tend to last longer than ones you'd buy at a regular shoe store.
Better brands to look for: Bates, Doc Marten, Danner.
Boots to Avoid: (in my opinion)
Fashion Shoes.
Don't wear ugly club shoes or fashion shoes with your gear. They don't belong with it. And if you really own ugly club dancing shoes, perhaps you should forget about leather as "fetish."
Alpine Boots.
These are motorcycle boots with a big sheet of metal on the front (pic to the left). This is just my opinion, but these look freakin' stupid.
Cowboy Boots. (Sometimes)
This is sort of regional. In the South, it's acceptable. If you have a fetish for cowboy boots, it's acceptable. If you're wearing cowboy gear, it's acceptable. Otherwise it's really borderline "fashion." I will admit, these are growing more and more acceptable to me.. but they still look goofy if not worn in the right context.
NOTABLE WEBSITES TO CHECK:
• Stomper's Boots: My favorite place to buy boots - best prices you'll find.
• Big Black Boots: A great selection of boots.
• Hot Boots: A great info site on boots and bootmen.
• Ebay: Do a search and you might just find the boots you want "cheap."
