Posts made by jrsite55

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.

On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.

When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
All day long your motto is, "Never again."
You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

One day Ed, known for always being broke and shabby, walks into his regular bar. One of the other regulars, noticing his new clothes and brand new Harley Davidson asked him where he got it. Ed, with a big, proud smile on his face explained: "I was walking to the grocery store, when all of a sudden a girl rode up on this shining new Harley. She got off her bike, threw off all of her clothes and said 'take what you want.' So I did."

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"
So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"
"50 cents."

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fungi to be around!

– You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
-- You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
-- Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.
-- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
-- You fall off the floor.
--That damn pink elephant followed you home again.
--You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
--Your career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

If you're black in America, you're relatively well-spoken, well-dressed, well-educated, sooner or later you can count on one of your white contemporaries – with the very best of intentions -- turning to you and saying something along the lines of, 'You know what? You are so damn cool. Sometimes, I actually have trouble remembering that you're black. No, I mean that. Sometimes I really forget that you're black.' Yeah, well, let me marry your sister, and I'm sure it will pop right back into your mind.

– You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

– Your refrigerator holds more solid foods than liquids.

-- You've lost the thread on your favorite soap opera.

-- 8 a.m. means shower and shave, not wake and bake.

-- You file taxes with more than three digits.

-- You hear your favorite songs in doctor's waiting rooms and when you're on hold with the bank.

-- You're not carded anymore for anything.

-- You carry an umbrella.

-- You now know there's no such thing as "looking mature."

-- You get your news from sources other than ESPN and MTV.

-- Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

-- Doing shots and smoking cigarettes guarantees midnight dry heaves and a sinus attack instead of midnight skinny dipping and a Big Mac attack.

-- You go from 130 days to seven days of vacation time.

-- You actually eat breakfast foods -- at breakfast time.

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.

The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"

The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."

A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today."

She goes in and find him with his pants down.

"That's not a watch!" she says.

"It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"

The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"

Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift.

Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.

The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."

Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"

Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"

Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"

Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol – this is a job for Mama!"

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like – Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"

A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"

"What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.

"Wow, did he charge us anything?"

"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"

"Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"