Posts made by jrsite55

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

Yo' Mama is so fat, yo' daddy only sees the other side of her every 4 years.

Yo' Mama is so poor, she got married for the rice.

I met a sista once who told me she could tell how good a brotha is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment. So, I asked her how. She said if that brotha fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn't know what he's doing. If he opens the door too quick, means he's too fast and he's a total waste of time. But if that brotha opens the door with a smooth, controlled movement, that means he's real good in bed. Then she asked me how I open the door to my apartment. I told her, 'Honey, I lick the lock first.'

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.

On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.

When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy – right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.

Get to know your mate. If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front. And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up. Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, 'I've been wanting to know, what's your name?'

– The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.

-- I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y.

-- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

-- Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.

-- God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

-- I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

-- Let's subscribe to Hustler.

-- Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.

-- Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!

-- Awesome fart! Do another one!

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.

The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.

The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

If you're black in America, you're relatively well-spoken, well-dressed, well-educated, sooner or later you can count on one of your white contemporaries – with the very best of intentions -- turning to you and saying something along the lines of, 'You know what? You are so damn cool. Sometimes, I actually have trouble remembering that you're black. No, I mean that. Sometimes I really forget that you're black.' Yeah, well, let me marry your sister, and I'm sure it will pop right back into your mind.

• You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

– Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech?
A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

Q: Why are baseball players so cool?
A: They always have their fans around.

Swimmimg…it's not a sport, it's a way to keep from drowning.

Hey babe, want to see the sweet spot on my bat? High five!

Q: Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?
A: The players dribble all over the court.

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.
"Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?

A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Q: What has teeth but no mouth?

A: A comb.

Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters?
A: They kept losing their matches.