Posts made by jrsite55

One day a man took his wife to the doctor and says, "All she likes to do is do it. Can you help her?"
The doctor replies, "Come back in an hour." The man leaves so the doctor can perform his treatment.
One hour later the man returns to discover the doctor having sex with his wife. The man says, "What are you doing?!?"
The doctor says, "Taking her temperture."
The man replies, "When you pull that thing out it better have some numbers on it!"

Whats the difference between Saddam Hussein and a bucket of crap?
The bucket.

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.

What do Saddam and Miss Muffet have in common?
They both have Kurds in their Way!

Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?"
A: Killkenny.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff… Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

Q: What does Tiger Woods say to his wife after having sex?

A: I will be home in 20 minutes, dear.

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat?
The Dolly Llama.

10. My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
11. My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
12. My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
13. My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
14. Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
15. And my wife is really my mother.
16. My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
17. My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
18. My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S. space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
19. I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepted…. oh... what? We're still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

There was a man from Leek
Who instead of a nose had a beak.
It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird
He migrates at the end of next week.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then…good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: It's a French kiss down under.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
A: So he could look like his mama.

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
They were riverdancing.

1. Inflatable dart board.
2. Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3. A book on how to read.
4. Solar-powered flashlight.
5. Screen door on a submarine.

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn''t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn''t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.
When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.
So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn''t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.
The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!