Posts made by fancydude

Little Johnny goes fishinng with his Grandfather.  They get all set up at the lake and after a while, the Grandfather lights a cigarette. Johnny says "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"  The Grandfather asks "Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your cock?"  Johnny says "no."  Then you're not big enough, was the reply.  Later on the Grandfather pulls beer out of his cooler.  Johnny wants to try this also.  The Grandfather asks "Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your cock?"  Johnny says "no."  "Then you're not big enough to drink beer." Later still, Johnny opens his lunch bag and pulls out some cookies homemade by his Grandma.  The Grandfather say "Those look good, can I have one?"  Johnny asks " Can you touch your asshole with the tip of your cock?"  The Grandfather says yes.  "Good," says Johnny " Then you can go fuck yourself, 'cause these are my cookies!"

Well, I've been trying to keep my jokes Gay or male or dick related but I think I'll run out and besides everyone is posting everything, so I guess I'll just make this place a repository for my favorites.  At least I'll know where to find them when I lose the paper or book!  And it's sort of dick related…...  PS - I remember reading a quote from someone in the space program, I think it was from the 50's or 60's - the reporter asked an astronaut if there would ever be women in space.  The reply was "yes, and for the same purpose they serve on earth!"  Wow, talk about sexist and chauvinistic even for that era!

America finally lands on Mars and discovers there is life after all.  Eventually they communicate and one of the astronauts finds a Martian woman stirring a big kettle over a small fire.  She is stirring, and stirring ad stirring.  The astronaut says "What are you doing?"  And she says "making babies."  Shortly after that a baby climbs up out of the soup and over the side of the kettle, into a waiting blanket held by a nurse.  The astronaut asks the nurse to take over, and asks the Martian woman if she wants to find out how they make babies on earth.  They go back into the forest, the astronaut fucks her and she says "where's the baby?"  The man says "oh, it will be along in about 9 months."  The Martian woman asks "Why did you stop stirring?"

yeah Brandon, I think the bareback part of this joke predated that sort of question….

Two cannibals capture an explorer.  Both are hungry, so they decide to share him.  The first cannibal starts at his feet and the other starts at his head.  After five minutes of gnawing the first cannibal says " how are you doing?"  And the second says "I"m having a ball."  "Slow down!" sayd the first cannibal "you're going too fast!"

A guy is driving through Arizona and his car breaks down.  Luckily an Indian on horseback ambles along and offers the man a ride to a nearby town, to arrange for repairs.  The visitor climbs on the horse behind the Indian and off they go.  The ride is uneventful except every half a minute or so, the Indian loudly yells "whoo hoo."  They get to the service station and the Indian lets out one final "Yahoo!"  The mechanic says to the man "what did you do to get the Indian so excited?"  "Nothing" protests the man " All I did was get on the horse, put my arms around his waist and hold on to the saddle horn to keep from fallling off."  "Sir," replied the mechanic, "Indians ride bareback!"

While sitting at a bar, a man is savoring a double martini and a beautiful woman comes in and sits near him.

"I'm celebrating a special day", he says.  "Me too" says the woman. "For years, I've been trying to have a child and today my ob/gyn told me I'm pregnant.  What are you celebrating?"

The man says "I'm a chicken farmer, and for months my chickens have been infertile, but today they're fertile!"

"What happened?"

The farmer answers " I switched cocks."

The woman smiles sweetly and says "What a coincidence….."

This is from the Michigan Bean Book - very tasty, different take on baked beans.  I always like things like this in cold weather.  I like to take the cover off the last 10-15 minutes for a little "crust".

Quick Swedish Beans

2 cans (1 lb. each) baked beans
1 large apple, peeled, cored and chopped
1/4 cup raisins
1/2 cup chopped onion  (1/4 cup dried onions fine)
4 strips fried bacon crumbled OR 1/2 cup chopped ham
1/2 - 3/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup sweet pickle relish
1 T prepared mustard
3/4 cup catsup

Mix all ingredients, pour into 1 1/2 quart casserole.  Cover and bake at 300 F for one hour.  4-6 servings.

I admit I didn't make this exact recipe but something very very similar using soy milk.   Use the plainest soy milk you can find; many esp. the vanilla flavor have too much sweetener and you can really taste it in this kind of recipe.  (ie read the ingredient list)  The miso & nutritional yeast  is what really gives it flavor.  I would recommend though that you give real cheese a rest for about two weeks at least before you make this or you may be disappointed.  This is very creamy and good but it will never be like real cheese.  For those of us who want to eat though and watch our cholesterol, and/or be kind to animals, this is what vegan is all about.  And although I often like whole wheat macaroni, again for health, fiber etc.  it is too much for this. Just use regular macaroni.  Also, I don't know if it would be too much cashew, (since the recipe already calls for 1 1/4 cups)  but I often make cashew milk with raw cashews (1/3 cup nuts to 1 cup water- it is very creamy).  You can also use raw almonds in the same ratio if you don't want to use soy milk.  Any blender will do nicely since almonds and cashews are very soft nuts.  Homemade or purchased ricemilk works nicely too, but you can't win.  It is either too much carbs (with the rice) or too much fat with the nuts….  Although the very best nuts have no calories at all.  har har har.

INGREDIENTS:

1-1/4 C raw cashews

1/2 C nutritional yeast

2 tsp onion powder

1 to 2 tsp salt, to taste

1 tsp garlic powder

1/8 tsp white pepper

3-1/2 C nondairy milk

3 Tbs cornstarch

1/2 C canola oil

1/4 C light (yellow or white) miso

2 Tbs lemon juice

12-16oz macaroni, cooked (I used about 16 ounces of both small shells and rotini)

I added 1-1/2 tsp of truffle oil, but it’s optional (I recommend it)! (* this is the original writer of the recipe, not me fancydude althought I imagine it would be quite a tasty addition if you know where to even find truffle oil!)

DIRECTIONS:

Place cashews in a large-sized bowl of the food processor and finely grind–just don’t let the cashews turn to a paste. Add nutritional yeast, onion powder, salt, garlic powder, and white pepper. Pulse three more times to blend in spices.

In a heavy saucepan, combine milk, cornstarch and oil(s). Bring to a simmer over high heat. Decrease heat to low-medium, cover and simmer, stirring occasionally for 10 minutes, or until cornstarch dissolves.

With the food processor running, gradually add milk/oil mixture to cashew/nutritional yeast mixture. Blend for 2 minutes or until smooth and creamy. Next blend in miso and lemon juice.

Combine cashew cheese with macaroni noodles and serve.  Reheat in microwave if desired.

You may also bake it: Preheat oven to 325 and place macaroni mixture in a 8 or 9″ square baking dish (I recommend a 9″x13″ one). Cover and bake 20 minutes. Uncover and sprinkle with 1/2 C herbed bread crumbs. Continue baking, uncovered, for 15-25 minutes until topping is golden brown.   It is not as creamy baked though.

Hey-  if you get to Michigan, Brandon - I'll be waiting to go downtown…..(it won't have to be avatars or whatever you call those cute little things. )

Which reminds me, did you hear about the guy so macho he had so much sperm in his semen you had to chew it before you could swallow it?  mmmmmhmmmmm.

I think this was on a description of a torrent but it still funny & 'clever' !

A true friend is one who goes downtown, gets two blowjobs, comes back home and gives you one. >:D

NQM - I'm okay with letting it rest.  But I think we've just scratched the surface on how much more tolerant Christian countries are - just wanted to say that too.  So keep your head and discuss religion here not there! 

My grandmother made this and it was so delicious, I couldn't believe it was this easy.

8 oz cream cheese, softened and at room temperature
1 (15 oz?) can Hormel chili, no beans
Grated cheese of your choice - Mexican or Italian blends are good

In a 3 cup microwavable dish or 2 1.5 cup dishes, spread the softened cream cheese in the bottom.  Pour the chili over that.  Put grated cheese over the top, as much as you like.  Microwave about 2 minutes, or until cheese is thoroughly melted.

Serve with tortilla chips, Doritos etc.

Black Bean and Corn Chowder

Easy & very tasty.

1 15 oz can black beans, rinsed and drained
1 14 oz can diced tomatoes or whole tomatoes (chopped) or stewed tomatoes
1 10 oz pkg frozen corn or canned corn (drained)
1 onion finely chopped - if you have time saute onion for a few minutes in a tiny amount of oil
2 cups non dairy milk of your choice
1/4 tsp garlic powder
salt & pepper to taste

Heat all ingredients in large part over medium heat for 25 minutes.

Spicy Green Beans

2 lbs fresh green beans, ends snapped off or 2 lbs frozen green beans , rinsed well
2 cups salsa of your choice

Cook fresh green beans 15 minutes in boiling water, drain.  (cook frozen per directions if using)

Meanwhile, put salsa in small pot, heat to simmering for 3 minutes

Pour over drained green beans, serve.

Mexican Noodle Casserole

1 pound lasagna noodles
5 quarts water
Two 16 oz cans vegan refried beans
Two 16 oz jars salsa
2 small ripe avocados
1 Tbsp. lemon juice

Cook noodles in boiling water for 10 minutes.  Drain.

Meanwhile, preheat oven to 375 degrees.  In a 13" x 9 " x 2" greased baking dish;  place ingredients in following order:  1/4 cooked noodles, 1 can beans, 1/4 cooked noodles, 1 jar salsa, 1/4 cooked noodles, 1 can beans, 1/4 noodles, 1 jar salsa.

Bake for 25 minutes.  Mash the ripe avocdo with lemon juice until smooth.  When casserole is done, remove from oven, spread wtih avocado mixture.

Lentils, Pasta & Spinach
For sauce:

10 oz box frozen spinach, cooked & drained
2/3 cup raisins
15 oz can tomato sauce
1/2 tsp cinnamon (although I prefer garlic powder)
2 cups cooked lentils

Simmer for 10 minutes over low heat.  Pour over 1 lb. cooked pasta of your choice.

Just had this today & it is delicious.  The lady who made it, Joan, said she made for her son's First Communion 42 years ago.  So she's been making it at least once a year for many many years!  She recommends Philadelphia Cream cheese. Update - I talked to her again, and she said you can use lemon but the flavor is too weak, her favorites are orange, lime & cherry) - And most of you know this - cannot use fresh pineapple - it will prevent the Jell-O from well, jelling.  The enzyme, like all enzymes, are inactivated by cooking. I used to think eating raw food was so much better, but then most doctors say the enzymes and all the supposed benefits of raw are killed off by strong stomach acid.  Makes sense, but I still think we should eat some raw food.

Jell-O with pineapple & cream cheese

20 oz can crushed pineapple  (can be pineapple in juice or syrup, doesn't matter)
1 8oz pkg Philadelphia cream cheese, softened in microwave 20 seconds
Small pkg orange Jell-O, but she says Lime, Lemon and Cherry work well, anything that goes with pineapple
8 oz pkg thawed Cool Whip, again not the off brand if you can afford it
  or 2 pkgs prepared Dream Whip  (Dream Whip was the original recipe)

Place crushed pineapple and juice in saucepan, bring to a boil.  Add Jell-O powder, stir to dissolve.   DO NOT add water or you will have soup.   Make sure your Jell-O comes to a good boil and stir thoroughly for at least a minute.  Remove from heat, stir in cream cheese until in melts.  Place in fridge to set or if you're in a hurry, the freezer .  Fold in Dream Whip or Cool Whip.  Mix well into the Jell-O which is firmly set.

#16 I typed a whole ramble on comparing Christianity with other religions and I think it would be misinterpreted.  And I don't even know if I'm right 100% or have all the facts.  As with everything, the exremists are the only ones who make the news - do they really represent the whole or majority of a given group?  I don't know.  Another example people don't vote for the most part in Islamic countries, Saudi Arabia is a monarchy right?  I would find that a difficult place to live.  But I certainly acquiesce that I was raised Christian and people obviously tend to find reasons to continue to live the way they were raised.  Then again, if you watched that movie "not without my daughter" with Sally Field, it was interesting to see how the husband behaved in America and how he changed when he returned to Iran/Iraq, I forget.  And certainly the children born in USA of immigrants  originating from those countries seem to be Americanized or Britainized for the most part.  It is a mystery still though when you read about a suicide bomber that was born in Britain, went to school there and was highly educated - his name escapes me now.  Comparing him to a Timothy McVeigh who was not educated and maybe just crazy doesn't seem helpful or enlightening does it?  Christian countries overall though seem to be much more tolerant of other religions in their midst - possibly to their detriment - we'll see as time goes on but the reverse doesn't seem true does it?  To go back to the very beginning of your #16  though, you said " no we can't" and "the Bible says' doesn't wash" yeah probably, but I will also point out if your head is cut off, you can't say anything!  So, if you want to dscuss this further, you can PM me and I'll give you my home email.

You will need

two kinds of cheeses (usually one cheddar, one monterey jack)

two kinds of seedless grapes (one green, the other red), washed & dried.

long toothpicks or plastic 'sword" appetizer picks - wooden with the curly cellophane for decoration are nice too

Cut cheese into cubes, pull grapes off stems.

Directions

(AFTER making sure your equipment is long enough to do the job….yes we are speaking of the toothpick and yes, I didn't pay attention one time and got plastic swords that were regular toothpick size - too small...)

on each toothpick, put one green grape, one yellow cheese cube, one red grape, one white cheese cube.

Attractive, tasty and everyone seems to like them.

NQM - I wasn't asking to be silly when I asked about others thinking you're an infidel and wanting to chop off your head. That was a direct path to "how do we determine which religion or which morals are correct?"  Whaddya think?

Wow, that is a surprise that civil unions are not mentioned in the EU.

Now, saying things CAN be done for treaty violations and what IS done are two very different things.  I heard complaints here all the time, living in the midwest, about the Auto industry, logging industry etc. what violations Canada was doing, undercutting us in prices, violating the treaty etc.

Now remember, there are policies based on laws for every single thing I'm mentioning below:

As you may know, I work in a human service job and the things our clients get away with is truly mind boggling.  I probably write up more fraud referrals than anyone (what I'm saying here is if no one gets around to writing them, NOTHING is done except possibly on a rare random audit) and even then the system is set up to "fail."  For example if a woman EVER put the husband/boyfriends name on the application, (an annual thing) and he turns out to be in the home later, the judges will say "it is the worker's job to determine eligibility, she put him on the application once and if there is a discrepancy (nice word for possible lie)  then the worker should clarify it."   MY opinion is she signed applications annually after that one time; attesting to the truth of what she filled out and didn't put his name down.  She should repay every penny she got.  And even that is only money we catch him at, working a legit job.  If he worked under the table, then there is no overissuance. (what I mean here is that if he didn't earn any budgetable income, then she didn't get any overpayments.  The lie alone means nothing, unfortunately) Plus the welfare office policy conveniently ignores the fact that if he was reported in the home, they would have made him go to a work program where he might have found a job (or at least been motivated to find his own instead of participating) AND we wouldn't have paid a baby sitter for her.  Keep in mind though, publications  and press releases tell the public that we are diligent about fraud and oh how strict the rules are when I promise you they are not.

I'm not suggesting you're unaware that official policies of any kind don't always jive with actual practice, but I bet you had no idea our welfare system was so disingenous.  I mean, again, my opinion - it is one thing to give the benefit of the doubt, to safeguard children or whatever, but so much of it is just plain wrong and the opposite of what the public thinks.  How about this - woman has child, never marries the father.  Refuses to cooperate with child support, no paternity is established.  She STILL gets insurance and food money for the child and I actually had one today - the man EARNS $50,000 US DOLLARS annually, but because there is no legal relationship, he can't be made to be part of the case.  To be fair, this is not by any means the majority of cases, but if we claim we value family etc.  we should not reward illegitimacy. Correct?

When I was young, I grew up in the country.  After high school, I moved into a pricey suburb with my grandparents and went to college.  When I got my first good job, I was about 24 and still wet behind the ears; at least when it came to maneuvering around in a big urban city.  So, one day these ladies from work said they wanted some soul food. I said okay, I'll come along.  They dressed well, and had expensive cars so I had no idea we were going to the 'for real' ghetto.  There were all kinds of people standing around when we got to the place, it is still there, and I just looked at them, incredulous and asked "are we going to get out HERE?"  (it looked so unsafe).  Well, I found out later EVERYBODY who was anybody went to this place - All  the workmen, Detroit Edison crews, anyone who could possibly be in the 'hood around lunchtime.  They had 8 employees dishing up carryout orders.  There was always a line.  And I don't have to tell you the food was fantastic.  They always had 20 different entrees - Salisbury steak, fried perch, fried chicken perfect everytime, ham hocks, smoked neckbones, always the best macaroni and cheese I have ever tasted…and the sides - black-eyed peas, green beans with smoked ham, and my personal favorite:  Succotash.  I decided it was too expensive to buy all the time, so I thought I would make it myself.  And I came pretty close too.   Of course, after we got back to work, I was teased mercilessly about being "afraid" to get out of the car for a long time after that!

I also got inspired another time to make collard greens myself, but I didn't know you had to rinse them 10 times, so my smelled delicious but they were like trying to eat sandpaper!   (they were thrown away of course).

And please, at least once, use fresh corn from the cob - you'll be amazed at how tasty this can be.

Soul Food Succotash

If you want to use bacon, brown two or three slices of diced bacon in the bottom of a large stew pot with a heavy bottom.  Omit the oil and smoke flavor. Otherwise, this is vegan.

**** recipe tip - if using frozen vegetables, rinse well in cold water to remove the "freezer taste"

1 lb frozen lima beans (Fordhook are best)
4-6 ears corn or 1 lb frozen corn
28 oz can stewed tomatoes or whole tomatoes with juice
2 (8 oz) cans tomato sauce
1 lb fresh or frozen okra, sliced
1 lb fresh or frozen sliced green beans
2 tbsp. butter, oil or margarine
1 tbsp. sugar
Minced garlic to taste, dry or fresh
1 large onion chopped, plus a bit of onion powder to taste
A few dashes liquid smoke  ( I prefer Wrights, do not like Colson's)
Soy sauce or Braggs liquid aminoes or salt, to taste

Cut corn off cob, melt margarine in stew pot.  Add corn,onion and garlic;  simmer a few minutes.  If using fresh okra, cut off stems and tips, (discard) slice remaining pod into 3 or 4 pieces.  Add to pot, with all remaining ingredients.  Add a little water if it seems too thick.  For best results, add a little bit of liquid smoke at the beginning and five minutes before time is up.  Bring to boil and simmer 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

OK, you're now mellow NQM and a gentle soul, i suppose.  Now I"m going to rock your world…..All of what you say is true (even the Catholic church accepts truth wherever it is found a shocker I know but I read it....) but what do you do while you're in Nirvana, peace/love/brotherhood etc. another group/nation/cult thinks you're an infidel because you don't believe exactly as they do and wants to chop off your head?

(But I have to ask you, since I did all that typing and you seem to have ignored it or at least didn't respond - don't you think a majority of Nuns and Priests are faithful to their vows?  If so, it is much more than likely Mary could have remained chaste for a lifetime and ....I hope you're joking when you say "all it takes is torn hymen to not be a virgin..."  Yes, technically correct but you know that is not what the Church is talking about...)  As for evidence of brothers and sisters,  I feel sure the Bible would have mentioned it - after all there are many different versions of the same stories which add or subtract details which is what you would expect when four different people write something.  I don't take that as "Bible errors" the way some do.