Born in the UK, came out at 23, mostly Grindr/Tinder in London from 24 - pre covid and nothing during covid. Grindr - till date - is the only app that ever led to an in person meet for me. Moved to the states in 2021 (SF for a few months but NY since). Always did get hookups but generally no repeats for various reasons (not attracted in person, visiting, drugged up, poor chemistry, taken already) so basically have spent by entire life single, and have not even gone on a single date. I have no mental or physical health issues, no addictions, am vers (I became vers in NY, so technically was a top before), have long term friends (straight and gay platonic), a wonderful career/job that I absolutely love, and am self sufficient basically.

I've tried Hinge, Scruff, Tinder, matchmaking, speed dating, joining sports clubs, always been in gay gyms, circuit parties (these only in NY and 1 in London), travel solo for fun etc and never found anyone for anything more than a hookup. I'm always told 'its hard' or similar, have taken breaks, but still nothing.

Also spent time in therapy, to see if anything was going on there, everyone is 'clueless' or 'confused' how I am still single. I have literally been complaining about this for 10 years now (if you see my previous posts) and can't seem to catch a break. No attachment issues or trauma or depression diagnosis or ADHD / other neurological issues.

What is hurting even more is I think I have had sex with the same person maybe twice in life, ever, which really is becoming terrible for me in the sense of learning what I like, being more intimate, etc because I have no baseline for anything more, despite wanting more for ages now.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I've never heard of this happen to anyone (unless they had a legit reason e.g. overweight/body issues, in prison lol, mental issues) so this seems completely bizarre to me. I've always been fit, literally everyone calls me handsome, never had any issues, so then what is so wrong with me that literally no one will date me (I get tonnes of matches btw, but they flake 100% of the time) and will only hookup with me (and that too, its a serious push on my side, but in parties etc its 10x easier for me, but those connections go nowhere).

I am a POC, that is the only thing therapy brings up as a potential reason, but I'm baffled that this could be the reason why literally no one across 2 cities in 10+ years is remotely interested in anything more than a single hookup with me? Not even a repeat? I don't buy it.

@andergarcia:

I met my current partner in grindr two years ago and still together 

I had met some others before and most of them were cool, but some others were a bit weirdos: one of them just wanted to fuck (no matter he included in his profile "looking for a relationship"), another one wanted to have a very serious relationshing (after having talked for only 3 hours)…

Yeah. I don't think GR is a bad app. Just the guys make excuses sometimes…
But if you click you click. Don't get why using an app or otherwise matters.

I have been to various therapists with no insight on what to improve/change.
I am really lost. I am getting older and still can't land a date and/or bf and it is really sucking.
I tried every app and made connections but its just chat chat chat, they literally never meet just for a coffee or anything. Offer sex, and they are at your door.
I do have sex with the ones I like still, but the fact that they vanish after and don't invest further is also confusing (as this is a lot of guys).
I find it hard to believe that every guy I slept with is emotionally unavailable. Not sure what is going on really or how to improve.
I definitely don't sleep with anyone that sends an invitation (I used to) but if sex is the only way I can physically also meet another gay guy for real conversation then the system is really broken also.

@musclejizz:

More likely than not, it's been exaggerated. Perhaps they measure the balls too, use that length to "market" the guys online, and aren't clear in the descriptions for guys like us.

I've banged a few pornstars….
The 'length' advertised on porn is definitely cock + balls and 'from the side'.
The 'insertable length' is the bone pressed length. If you look at fleshjack dildo's they are all mostly 5.5-7' insertable.

@pols1337:

Hi, you're looking for romance on Grindr?

I hope you know that during those 4 years while you were texting the love of your life, he was probably getting cornholed by every random Grindr  hottie he could message.

I know this sounds blunt, but if you want a normal relationship, then take a step back and first identify the avenues where people might actually be looking for serious and real relationships.  I'm not saying you can't find love on Grindr, but I am saying it is your fault for pinning all your hopes on a Grindr hookup.

Can you recommend alternative platforms? Tinder and Hinge and Chappy are the worst…. chat chat chat and never ever meet. At least with GR I get some physical interaction lol.

I saw that link also, and saw a therapist about this, who didn’t confirm (or deny) the narcissism but did say he was selfish and indeed something seemed off (though she said I came across well at all times, was fair, clearly know how to have a healthy relationship and know the boundaries etc which was re-assuring).

I don’t want his ‘fake friendship’ back. I just was trying to understand what happened. For a long time I thought it was me. I have never been in a relationship, his gay friendship lasted the longest, therefore I just thought it was me. But more and more, it just seems he was an ass and I am fine.

I wasn't looking for a romance on Grindr. We were both sleeping with other guys via Grindr and otherwise, and telling each other about it in some cases (well, he claimed I was more lucky and he seemed more like he was getting bf's although I never ever saw pics of these 'bf's'). It was just a friendship… I didn't want to sleep with him again. It was just nice to have some gay chat with someone who 'gets' this side of me, vs my straight friends who can't relate really.

Funnily enough, I met a guy on tinder, who was from the same town as him and shagged him during the time he ‘ended’ the friendship with me.

I think it is fair to assume he changed his mind. However when I felt there was a dip, I did ask, and even offered to stop chatting if things had changed. That is when the apologies started and promises too ‘do better’. He had many many chances and took over 1 year to ‘realise’ he didn’t want it anymore? Seems unfair / immature to also completely ditch me via text (and blame me for me) even if he changed his mind.

I think the piece I'm confused about is 'ending it entirely' seems more extreme than saying something like 'hey things have changed on my side, let's meet up and chat / have a call (and actually do it) every 6 months if that works?'. That is what I am finding difficult to accept. I am a reasonable person and showed that at all times that I was trying to work with him with his new schedule/life. To keep saying sorry and offering things and claiming you want to do better, then suddenly taking a 180 degrees turn with no discussion or open conversation just seemed extreme.

Nope, no one.

A hot escort, who returned the money as he enjoyed it lol.
Worth it. No regrets.

I came across this article: https://www.quora.com/What-are-some-common-phrases-used-by-covert-narcissists and it sounds a lot like him.
I know the advice is to stay away (which I have) and move on, but I want a little revenge lol.
But do I want his fake friendship back? God no.

@Volsrfer:

lots of porn stars use grindr around LA, SF, Vegas

I second this. Did many porn guys during my trips to SF.
I need to get myself to LA and vegas haha.