Posts made by nhalizegt

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

You ever see the commercial where the little boy gets caught by his dad, and he's like, 'I got it from you, Dad. I got it from you!'? I tried that with my father. I was like, 'I got it from you, Dad!' 'You been pinching my sh*t?' I got a whupping, and I had to buy another bag.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?"
The duck replies, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.
One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.
The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said trains and I missed mine! When he gave out looks, I thought he said books, and I didn't want any! When he gave out noses, I thought he said Four Roses, and I ordered a big one! When he gave out legs, I thought he said kegs, and I ordered two fat ones! When he gave out ears, I thought he said beers, and I ordered two long ones! When the Lord gave out chins, I thought he said gins, and I said 'Give me a double' Oh Lord! I'm a mess!

Joe walks into a bar. Joe's friend, Al, sits down next to him. Joe tells the bartender, “I'll take a large beer.”
The bartender says, “Do you want dry beer with no aftertaste, or brewed beer with aftertaste?”
Joe thinks about this for a minute. “Ah, give me the brewed.” So the bartender gives it to him and he chugs it.
“No, no,” says Al, “think manly! I'll have a dry beer.” The bartender goes to fix it.
“Why the dry?” Joe asks.
“Well,” says Al, “that way you can have one sip, and since it has no aftertaste, you can keep on drinking and forget you just had one!”

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

You have got to stop listening to your girlfriends about your relationships – especially that girlfriend that ain't got nobody.

The way this game works is every time the word fk is used (in any form, ex. fking, fker, etc.), or the word dude (in any form, ex. "his dudeliness, the dudester, etc.) is used, you take a drink. If you've seen the movie, you'll know that after five minutes of playing, you should be dialing 9-1-1. The main character's name is "Dude" and swearing, especially with the f-word, is quite excessive. Because both dude and fk are used so much during the movie that we altered the rules to include that you can choose to only drink when one or the other word is said.
I can promise you this: Playing this game makes the movie make a lot more sense.

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

Q: What do you call women who hang out with hookers?
A: Support hos.

Q. Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?
A. Cause it made him mean.

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."

Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dk.
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "A buffet!"