Posts made by nhalizegt

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!

How does one become stoned drunk?
Drink wet cement.

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"My first blow job," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her ''I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, ''You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said ''Clean my house.''

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"
"Make it a whiskey," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.
"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.
"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."
"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."
Two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.
The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the a**hole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"
"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"
"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."
"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me – what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

:hug:Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here." One cup of yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.

When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.

He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"

You got any overdue library books? 'Cause you got fine written all over you!

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?

Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?

Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Q: How does a man plan for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Two condoms are walking down a street in San Francisco and pass a bar. One condom nudges the other condom and asks, "Hey, want to go get s**t-faced?"

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his penis. Immediately, he went to the doctor.
"I have some good news and some bad news," said the doctor. "The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
    "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
    "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
    The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
    The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
    The bartender nodded, "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"

"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks."
"Why?"
"They might spike 'em."

A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of s**t in his hands.
He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I almost stepped in!"

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!''

In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''