Posts made by nhalizegt

A duck walks into a bar with a rabbi on his head.

"What's the deal?" the bartender asks.

The duck says, "It's opposite day."

There were two men sitting on a wall outside a pub called the Queen's Legs. A policeman came along and said, “What are you doing?” The two men said, “We're were wating for the Queen's Legs to open so we can have a drink.”

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But I'm not drunk, officer!"
"Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

A dying man gives each of his best friends – a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.

A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.

The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.

The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000."

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.

"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."

The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"

Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?
He's been feeling down in the dumps.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them.

A cop pulls over a guy and says, "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man replies. "Your eyes are awfully glazed – have you been eating doughnuts?"

A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.

The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After more shots, suddenly, he has a whole body.

The boy runs out of the bar and gets hit by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

As pothead walks down the road, a genie appears in front of him. "I'll grant you two wishes," says the genie.

The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."

The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.

The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"

What has 72 arms and 36 heads an has an I.Q. of 12?
A redneck bar on Friday night

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, ''I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve your kind here.''
The mushroom sits back and asks ,''Why not? I'm a fun guy (fungi)!

This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man sitting at the bar.
He says, ''I just fucked your mother and I did it in your bed and I fucked her doggie style and I even made her give me a blowjob. What do you think about that?''
The other guy says, ''Shut up Dad, you're drunk again."

Q. How can you tell if a guy likes Moosehead?
A. By the antler marks on his thighs!