A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, and the third lady's arm was too short to reach.
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang.
After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry – he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Q: What do American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common?
A: They're both f**king close to water. :mbounce: :mob: :mb2:
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
Q: Why was the blonde's bellybutton bruised?
A: Her husband was a blonde, too. :mob:
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry.
"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."
A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?"
He answers, "No way – you already broke yours off!" :mob:
A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."
Q: Why did the d**k go to 7-11?
A: To get a Slurpee. :cheesy2: :cheesy2:
I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 – that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker.
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Apologies,
The FBI