Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?
A: All of Ken's stuff.

Q: How did disco die?
A: In the disco inferno.

Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
A: It kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House?
A: President Bill Clinton's code name was "Mr. Bush."

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?
A: Silicon Valley.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila – the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.
As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion – it's a giraffe."

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

Q: What does a vulgar chicken say?
A: Fk, fk, f**k…

Q: What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A: A fly can fly, but a mosquito cannot mosquito.

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1.39, and deer nuts are under a buck.

Q: What's the difference between a cow's tail and a man's tie?
A: The cow's tail hides the entire a**hole.

Q: What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
A: You can't f**k with either one.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrarri?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside…

There was a doctor that had been having sex with a number of his patients, and he started to feel guilty. Then a little voice inside his head said, “You're not the only doctor that screws his patients.” That made him feel a bit better. Until another little voice said, “But most of them aren't vets.”

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid. He is so excited because he's just milked a cow. Then he takes a big drink from the glass. His father just stares at him.
"Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.

One night, one said to a another, “I'm so hungry. I'm going to go get something.”

“No don't! We have to wait for the others!”

“I don't care.” And off he went.

About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

To that the first says, “Well, I didn't.”