Posts made by nhalizegt

A young man got a new job running the register at a store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell.

"Watch how I do it," he said to the new hire.

As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass."

"You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."

A customer stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"

"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."

My job used to be to watch adult films and tell people what they're about. People would come in and go, 'What's "Romancing the Bone" about?' It's about 90 minutes too long. That's what it's about.

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from law school?

A: A lobotomy.

Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?
A: Curl Up and Dye.

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the salesman says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The salesman replied, "It's pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos."

Q: What did the blonde fill in for "Salary Expected" on a job application?
A: Yes.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
"Do you have any military experience?"
The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years."
"I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"
The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well… In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."
The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am."
"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability."
The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."

After 35 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea."

Q: Why did the blonde quit her restroom attendant job?

A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess – I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

How come you can't find lawyers sunbathing on the beach?
Cats keep covering them over with sand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.