Posts made by nhalizegt

A man goes to his seat on an airplane and finds a parrot in the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes by, and when the man asks her for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow!"

The flustered stewardess brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "And get me another whiskey, you cow!"

The upset stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. The man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it!"

Two burly stewards grab the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they eject from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy S.O.B.!"

It was a white lady in a convertible with the convertible down – I walked past; she locked the door. I smacked her in the back of the head.

A blonde's car breaks down. A cop pulls up and inquires about the group of naked men standing next to her car.

The blonde says, "They're my emergency flashers."

– None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.

-- Tampax! Get your Tampax here!

-- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!

-- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.

-- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.

-- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.

-- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.

-- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.

-- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.

-- Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.

-- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.

-- And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.

A guy gets pulled over for speeding on a rainy day.

The cop says, "Isn't it kind of stupid to be driving so fast in this weather?"

The driver says, "Who's stupid? I'm dry in my car. You're the one who's standing out in the rain."

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you five."

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes, he takes you into a room and makes love to you."

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."

Four blondes drive to a bar in their old pickup truck. Three sit in the cab, and one sits in the bed of the truck.
The three blondes go into the bar and order a round of shots. Almost an hour later, the fourth blonde finally joins them.
"Where have you been?" they ask.
She responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tailgate!"

Q: How many people can you fit in one Honda?
A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

A farmer is in the middle of plowing his field when his tractor runs out of gas. He needs to get back to the farm, but it's too far for him and his dog, Old Joe, to walk.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a sports car. The driver says, "I'll give you a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver decides to show off and open up the engine for max speed. Just as he's going into fifth gear, he looks out the window and sees Old Joe right beside him. In amazement, he slams on the brakes and Old Joe comes to a halt.

The driver jumps out, exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! Is there something special about that collar he's wearing?"

The farmer shakes his head and says, "That's not a collar. That's his a**hole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

I got to Flagstaff, Arizona, and I asked the guy at the hotel, 'Excuse me, where can I find the black community?' 'Oh, well he's on vacation this week. We'll tell him you stopped by.'

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

She is so blonde that when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.

A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again.

"What was the matter?" she asks.

"Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies.

Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?" :crazy2:

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Q: Did you hear about the logger that went to Alaska?
A: He came back a husky f**ker.

A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks her for her license.
"You cops should get it together," she said. "One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it to you."

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?"

The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Q: What invention did a blonde come up with that didn't pass the patent board?
A: Ejection seats in helicopters.