Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
A: She threw away all the W&W's.

Doctors – "Take off your clothes."

Dentist -- "Open wide."

Hairdressers -- "Do you want it teased or blown?"

Milkmen -- "Do you want it in front or in back?"

Interior decorators -- "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

Bankers -- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

Police officers -- "Spread 'em."

Mailmen -- "I've got a package for you."

Pilots -- "I take off fast, but bring it in slow and steady."

Hunters -- "I love going deep in the bush."

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" She replies, "In three months."

– You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
-- You have a list of 20 phone numbers to reach five people.
-- You chat several times a day with a Nigerian prince over e-mail, but you couldn't name your neighbor.
-- When paying a cashier, you only know how to respond to "credit or debit" -- what the hell is "cash"?
-- You think "music in the air" refers to free downloads.
-- You lose touch with any family member who doesn't have an email address.
-- Second-day delivery takes way too long.
-- You need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

• A "half day" means leaving at 5 p.m.
  -- You find jokes on computers, not in books or word of mouth.

A man was walking down the street when he came upon a brothel. He noticed a couple having sex on the lawn. He saw another couple behind a tree and two more behind some bushes.
He walked up to the brothel, knocked on the door and asked what in the world was going on with all the sex on the lawn.
"Oh, that," said the madam. "We're having a yard sale."

A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path.

"What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake.

"I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?"

So, the snake felt the bunny. "Well, you're soft and cuddly," said the snake. "You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!"

"Awesome!" says the bunny. "Now what kind of animal are you?"

"I really don't know," says the snake. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?"

So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, "You're hard and cold, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer!"

Q: What has six boobs and five teeth?

A: The night shift at Waffle House.

Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba?
One wears a tie.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it. We're closed.

Q: Why was the dirty old man fired from the poultry shop?
A: He couldn't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

Sex is like a job, and if you don't do good work, this might be your last day at the office.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…

Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break"?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: There was an empty seat.

Did you know that you can get a woman pregnant from anal intercourse?
That's how lawyers are made.

This lady walks into her boss's office one day and says, "Sir, I'd like to file a sexual harassment complaint."
Her boss says, "Well what's your complaint?"
She says, "My co-worker Joe said my hair smelled nice."
The boss says, "That's really not sexual harassment."
The lady counters, "But, Joe's a midget!"

A woman was at work when a man said, "Your hair smells nice."
    She went straight to her boss and said, "I've been sexually harrassed. A man said my hair smells nice."
    He in return said, "What's wrong with that, it does?"
    She said, "The man who said that was a midget."

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

A: Their personalities.