Posts made by nhalizegt

Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.
One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.
The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

Q: Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop to ask for directions

A man moved into a new apartment, and he decided to go and check his mail. The next thing he knows, a beautiful woman is standing in front of him and she has a robe on and she opens it and the man notices she has nothing on underneath. He tries to keep eye contact with the girl while she is talking to him. All of a sudden she says, “I hear someone coming, let's go in my apartment.
When they get in to her apartment, she lets her robe fall to the ground and asks the man, “Which part of my body do you like the best?” The guy replies, “Your ears.”
So she gets mad and asks, “Why my ears!? Look at this body! It's perfect! Look at these breasts – they're real and they're mine! Look at this butt -- it's hard and firm! So why my ears?” The guy says, “Well, because the person you heard coming was me!”

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.
"Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer.
"I agree," says the other.
"But out of what?"

Q: What do you get if you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by visiting fence against which they first made love.
The husband says, "Come on, for old times' sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.

What's the difference between basketball and sex?
In basketball you dribble before you shoot!

Q. What is the diference between like and love?
A. When a person likes you they spit and when a person loves you they swallow.

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

An Aggie and a Longhorn had just bought a ranch together, so they were driving the fence line to check everything out when they came upon a goat with his head stuck in a fence.
So the Longhorn gets out of the truck, looks around, and then starts screwing the goat. He gets finished, takes a step back, ands asks the Aggie, “Hey, you want a piece of this?”
The Aggie says, “Yeah, but do I have to stick my head in the fence?”

An old lady approaches a police station and observes three women in hand cuffs waiting to go in.

The old lady asks one of the women, "Why are you in line?"

The woman looks at the other prostitutes, winks and says, "We're waiting in line for a free lollipop."

So the old lady gets in line for her free lollipop. The chief of police comes out to take the girls in and notices the old lady in line. Shocked, he says to the old lady, "'You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Let me tell you something, sonny," the old lady replies, "as long as they keep making them, I will keep sucking them!"

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, 'Hell.'

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Get off my back, bitch!'

8. Your garbage can IS your 'in' box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. You blasted your Daily Planner with a .357 Magnum a week ago, but still haven't been able to miss a meeting.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

A man and his little girl arrive home after Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. The little girl asks, "Daddy, why do you call your assistant a doll?"
His wife glares at him. He explains, "Well, honey, it's a term of affection. She's very hard-working, and Daddy appreciates her efficiency."
"Oh," replies the little girl. "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her across your desk."

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dk."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dk from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dk that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dk and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dk my py."
The Voodoo Dk flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dk inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D*k, my ass."

A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention.
The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?"
The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."

A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

Two young men with equal qualifications apply for the same job. In order to determine which individual to hire, the manager gives them a written test.

Both men score nine out of 10 on the test; however, the manager decides to go with the first applicant.

"Why would you do that?" asks the rejected second applicant. "We both got nine questions correct."

"Your fellow applicant wrote 'I don't know' for question five. You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.