Posts made by jrsite55

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.
The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been sending email?
A: There are envelopes in the disk drive.

Q: How did the blonde die raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.''
A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.
As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?''
The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''

An idiot walking down the street spots a banana peel and sighs.
"Here we go again!"

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."

A blonde was swerving all over the road so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry, sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me, and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop told her, "Lady, that's your air freshener."

How do you tell a blonde isn't wearing underwear?
Dandruff on her shoes!

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil – if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"
"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."
"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"

blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions….
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

Why did the blonde go to KFC?
She heard she could get a pair of breasts for $1.99

Q: What does XXX stand for in a porno film?

A: It's the signature of the three blondes who "act" in it.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you wash all your vegetables!

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay – I got the license plate number!"

– None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.

-- Tampax! Get your Tampax here!

-- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!

-- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.

-- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.

-- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.

-- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.

-- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.

-- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.

-- Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.

-- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.

-- And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.

A man goes to his seat on an airplane and finds a parrot in the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes by, and when the man asks her for a coffee, the parrot squawks, "And get me a whiskey, you cow!"

The flustered stewardess brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "And get me another whiskey, you cow!"

The upset stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. The man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it!"

Two burly stewards grab the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out. As they eject from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a mouthy S.O.B.!"

It was a white lady in a convertible with the convertible down – I walked past; she locked the door. I smacked her in the back of the head.