Posts made by forgetjack

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it – my wife isn't."

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.

Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.

The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home.

After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

The third guy says, "That's nothing! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe my wife is screwing a horse."

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.

"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."

Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."

A man and his wife enter a dentist's office.

The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain – I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. He asks, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.

A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.

The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?"

The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."

Q: What are the three rings of marriage?

A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men.

Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!"

The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"

My whole thing with 'Love Connection' is if don't nobody want your ass down on the street, what make you think Hollywood got something for you?

Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?

A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."

The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.

"Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.

"Bell 3," and they began to make love.

After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"

"What's Bell 4?" the husband asks.

"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him.

The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"

My wife and I are having a baby – soon as I get her pregnant. We've been trying. My sperm have been told their whole lives not to get any woman pregnant. They've gotten extremely good at it.

Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?

A: Shoot him again.

Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?

A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.