Posts made by forgetjack

Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes?
A: The guy who gave it to him.

What is the difference between a pickpocket and a gynecologist?
A pickpocket snatches watches and a gynecologist watches snatches.

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor and told him, "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
The doctor asked her, "What about the other ear?"
She replied, "They called back."

Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move – I'll be right back."
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" Then the man said, "I hiccupped."

Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!

A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career.

After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office.

When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?"

"Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." The doctor replies, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."
Two months later, she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down. He asks, "Where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm chewing bubble gum."

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

Ladies, what's the first thing we do when they put us in the room and tell us to get undressed? Look around and say, 'Now where am I gonna hide my panties?' Don't you roll them up and stick them in your purse? Or you tuck them down in your shoe? I hid mine so well the other day, I still can't find them.

I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum.
It's hard to be downhearted,
When the sun shines out of your bum!

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. One to do it, one to chart it and ten to write the policy and procedure.
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um… I forgot to tell you yesterday.

A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news: He had cancer and Alzheimer's.
The man replied, '"Well, at least I don't have cancer."