Posts made by forgetjack

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."

John Rocker was on a NY subway and many people stopped to stare at him. One lady said, "I hate you, Rocker, you dissed New York."
The next person says, "Thanks, Rocker. You dissed homosexuals."
The next guys says, "You dissed people with mental problems."
Rocker is shocked and says, "I didn't say anything about people with mental problems!"
The man smiles and says, "Now people think that all people with mental problems are racist and dumb."

There were three guys in a car. One driving, the other in the passenger seat and one resting in the back. The guy in the back became sleepy and fell asleep. A few minutes later, he is startled by a "THUMP THUMP."
"What the hell was that?" he shouted.
The driver says, "It was just a redneck."
"I felt two thumps, though," says the passenger.
"Yeah we had to go through the fence to hit him."

Q: On a sunny day, two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each one of them caught one fish. When they went home, there were only three fishes. How can that be?
A: A grandfather, a father and a son went fishing.

One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who said, "If you marry my daughter, I will give you my house and all of my money." Sure enough the guy says yes. The rich man then warned him that his daughter had been in a terrible car accident and was a little messed up, both physically and mentally. The guy figures she couldn't be that messed up and doesn't change his mind.
So he married the girl – who was that messed up -- and on the honeymoon, instead of having to look at her, he put a paper bag over her head when they were having sex. And the guy used the bag every time they had sex after that
One day, while the guy was doing some work around the house, he dropped his hammer and said, "Honey, can you get the hammer for me?" The wife shuffled around muttering, "Huh? Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer," and finally picked it up.
After she gave it back to him, he dropped the box of nails and asked, "Honey, can you get nails for me?" She went to fetch it, mumbling, "Huh? Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She hands him the nails and he goes back to work.
While the guy is hammering a nail, he accidentally struck his thumb and shouted, "Aww, f**k!" The wife says, "Huh? get the bag, get the bag, get the bag...."

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

– None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.

-- Tampax! Get your Tampax here!

-- Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race!

-- Sex with your sister? Man, that's sick.

-- My God, this is a splendid Merlot.

-- Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We're trying to watch a race here.

-- Jeeves, be a good man and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach case. Then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.

-- What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too.

-- These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert.

-- Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a new corporate sponsor.

-- Filling in for Dale 'The Intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley.

-- And now, singing our national anthem, international recording artist Boy George.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks."
"Why?"
"They might spike 'em."

Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time. St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and recited a beautiful poem and was let in the gates.
The redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''
The Redeck paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' said the redneck, ''here it goes. . . Me and Tim a huntin' went, Met three maidens in a tent, They was three and we was two, So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.''

How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?
When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his dick.
One of the the guys looked at the other and said, ''I wish that I could do that.''
The other one then said, 'Don't be stupid, man - that dog would bite you!''

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, "Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby."
The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, "Son you're ugly but daddy loves ya."

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?
A: It says ''byte me'''

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Q: Two little potatoes stand on the street corner. One is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
A: It's the one with the little sticker that reads: "I-DA-HO." Also, she has herpes sores on her lips.

Three women were at the doctor's office for the second trimester check up. The first woman, a brunette, said that she was sure that she would have a girl because when she made love to her husband, she was on top! The second affirmed with certainty that she would have a boy, because she was on bottom. The blonde grabbed her head between her hands.
"Oh, crap! Puppies."

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '