Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.
Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"
Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."
Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
Q: What do men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.
A man and his wife shower together. The husband puts his hand on her breast and says, "These are nice, but if they were a bit firmer you could walk around without a bra for me."
Then the husband pats her butt and says, "This is nice, but if it was a bit firmer, you could walk around without panties for me."
The wife turns around to her husband, grabs his groin and says, "This is nice, but if it was a little bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."
A man would come home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?
A: When his wife's out of town.
Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy asks, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."
A lady asks, "What's that?"
He says, "Double Income, No Kids."
The lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry asks, "A WIFE?"
Gertrude says, "Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."
Mr. Johnson's wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young." He thought it over and agreed.
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive.
She got remarried and that husband ran out on her.
She got married again and that husband failed in bed.
Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed."
The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs.
"Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says.
"Tell me a little about you."
"Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies.
"How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.
He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
It's 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes," he replies. "Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan while you're having sex?
A: Let her catch you doing it.
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.
When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"
The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."