Posts made by forgetjack

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs.

"Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you."

Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."

A man and his wife enter a dentist's office.

The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain – I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. He asks, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.

A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.

The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?"

The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."

Q: What are the three rings of marriage?

A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men.

Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!"

The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"

I thought I was real racist because I was liking those black men – so black that if you looked at a picture of them, it looks like a negative.

My whole thing with 'Love Connection' is if don't nobody want your ass down on the street, what make you think Hollywood got something for you?

Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?

A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?

The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

1. Inflatable dart board.
2. Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3. A book on how to read.
4. Solar-powered flashlight.
5. Screen door on a submarine.

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?

A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.