Posts made by forgetjack

Cover charge: $15

Round of drinks: $23

Table dance: $30

A round of shots: $34

Private dance in your hotel room: $300

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A: A buck an ear.

I'm like, 'I ain't taking 13 kids to no damn movies.' I was like, 'I'll take two of them, and they can tell the rest what they've seen.'

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime – Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

I got to Flagstaff, Arizona, and I asked the guy at the hotel, 'Excuse me, where can I find the black community?' 'Oh, well he's on vacation this week. We'll tell him you stopped by.'

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a… " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

Q: Why did Santa have to have his balls removed?

A: Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.

A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"
She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

A distraught woman goes to her gynecologist. When the doctor asks her what is wrong, she says, "Remember the hormones you gave me? Well, look what happened!"

She unbuttons her blouse and reveals her chest, completely covered with hair. The doctor is aghast. He says, "I've never seen anything like this. How far down does it go?"

She says, "All the way down to my penis! And that's the other thing we have to talk about!"

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”
    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
    He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.
Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?
Dermatologist: There's no more space.

A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.

After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."

The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."

The doctor says, "I didn't."

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off."
The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that –" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge?"

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."