Posts made by forgetjack

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!"
So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"
He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

Is that Windex in your pants?
Because I can sure see myself in them.

I thought it would be so easy to meet guys when I got out of college because it was very easy to meet guys in college. I mean, this was really all you had to do to meet some guy in college: 'Oh my God, I am so wasted!'

A cop pulls over a guy and says, "Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man replies. "Your eyes are awfully glazed – have you been eating doughnuts?"

A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.

The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After more shots, suddenly, he has a whole body.

The boy runs out of the bar and gets hit by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

As pothead walks down the road, a genie appears in front of him. "I'll grant you two wishes," says the genie.

The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."

The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.

The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"

What has 72 arms and 36 heads an has an I.Q. of 12?
A redneck bar on Friday night

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, ''I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve your kind here.''
The mushroom sits back and asks ,''Why not? I'm a fun guy (fungi)!

This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man sitting at the bar.
He says, ''I just fucked your mother and I did it in your bed and I fucked her doggie style and I even made her give me a blowjob. What do you think about that?''
The other guy says, ''Shut up Dad, you're drunk again."

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

I did so much crack, one day I broke in my own house. I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, 'Damn, this brother will never come home!'

You ever see the commercial where the little boy gets caught by his dad, and he's like, 'I got it from you, Dad. I got it from you!'? I tried that with my father. I was like, 'I got it from you, Dad!' 'You been pinching my sh*t?' I got a whupping, and I had to buy another bag.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?"
The duck replies, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.
One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.
The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.