A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"
Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."
The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."
Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."
This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.
He exclaims, "R is for rats – big fking rats, with 12-inch cks!"
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
How many Harvard men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One – he stands still and the world revolves around him.
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I – I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then…good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
The way this game works is every time the word fk is used (in any form, ex. fking, fker, etc.), or the word dude (in any form, ex. "his dudeliness, the dudester, etc.) is used, you take a drink. If you've seen the movie, you'll know that after five minutes of playing, you should be dialing 9-1-1. The main character's name is "Dude" and swearing, especially with the f-word, is quite excessive. Because both dude and fk are used so much during the movie that we altered the rules to include that you can choose to only drink when one or the other word is said.
I can promise you this: Playing this game makes the movie make a lot more sense.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Donny is a 17-year-old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system. One day he got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what he did….
1. HOTEL -- I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RECTUM -- I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT -- My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE -- If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB -- Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that
CATACOMB.
6. PENIS -- I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.
7. ISRAEL -- Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE -- There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI -- I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN -- My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM -- My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY -- I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.
13. HORDE -- My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.
14. INCOME -- I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.
15. FORTIFY -- I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.
Donny got an A.
There was a young country boy who was very bright. In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard.
One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was. He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?"
The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion."
The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"
A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."
The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."
The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass – Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.''
''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.''
A man is participating in a golf tournament. He was left to golf with just his caddy. On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups. The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty. However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty. Suddenly, Mother Nature appears.
"What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter."
"Thanks," says the man. "But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"
The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.
"What is that?" she asks. He replies, "Those are my golf balls."
She says, "Is that like tennis elbow?"
Did you hear the one about the good-looking teenage girl who went on a fishing trip with six old men?
She came home with a red snapper.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dk.
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money. The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dks on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said "A buffet!"
A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."