One thing that happened to me for about 18 months ago, I've been taking to many beers with my friend and we where leaving. Outside we met two drag queens and we starts to talk. My friend went to the tram and they asks me if I would like to hang out with them at a strip and video club, I have been there before and knew it was a bit shabby but I have never felt a hostile atmosphere in there…
There are only female stripper but they have a floor with video booths, some dark room areas and place where you can hang. It is not that big and rarely crowded. There was a guy flirting with me and he asked me to join him, he was cute and I was charmed. He leads me to one off the smaller dark rooms and I hesitate an say that I would prefer a video booth. I didn't plan to have sex with him, at least not now, I don't find it like a big turn on to have sex in a place like that, it feels to artificial and awkward for me. My plan was just to make out with him and maybe drag him home later...
But he don't wan't to go in to a video booth, so I go back to the drag queens I came with. They give me a beer. I see the other guy passing by and looking at me, we aren't a lot of people there...
I am drunk and feels like it is time to go home, but what the hell, let's go and check for this guy just once. He has went back to the entrance to the dark room and when he sees me he walks in. I follow him inside, which I shouldn't done. I am waiting in the dark for my eyes to adapt, and a guy comes toward me and start to touch my chest and I did the same to him, then I hear two other guys on my left and right side. It is too dark so I can't see if it is the guy on my left side. I am trying to say hi but gets no replies. I stop feeling comfortable with the situation, but still like I have control. At least I thought, I asked the guy who was trying to get his hand down my pants to stop and wait until I have can see anything in the dark. He doesn't so I turn around...
Here is where I start to understand this is not about sex any longer, the two other guys open my belt and unzip my pants and I hear how they take things from my pockets, my cellphone and creditcard, I later discovered. The other guy is trying to penetrate me. I just freeze, cause it went so fast from the moment where I thought I was in control till I wasn't.
The two guys are blocking my ways, the have their hands on my shoulders and makes me bend over more, they are not violent but I know if I am trying to do anything they will try to keep me there. I am standing against the wall and I feel how the other guy is fucking me but I have just turned everything off and thinking that I hope it is over quick. And it was cause I hear him breath more heavily and then he pulls out and he zips his pants and the guys letting me go and I felt down on the floor against the wall. The guys are leaving while they are laughing and I only got a glimpse of their backs.
I rise and pull up my pants. Then I go to the toilet, there is no paper so I will have to use old used ones from the trashcan to clean most of his sperm. I washed my hands before I want back to the others I came there with, I hadn't really gripped what had happened. I waited for about ten minutes and I left the club and went home. That is all in a blur, the only thing I remember is that I must put my underwear in a plastic bag so they can take DNA if that would be necessary... Very CSI of me though.
Next day I was frustrated, angry, sad and blamed myself for getting drunk and go in to a dark room after a guy, for not making any strictly verbal or physical protests, for just being so stupid. I might have frozen when it happened but if I would met the guy that day or the following months I would probably killed him.
I did a STD test after six months and that was negative, that was a relief. I went back to the club once just to feel that I could put it behind me. But in this months I can count how many times I've had sex on my fingers... I am eating medication against anxious.
So do I consider that I was raped? I am not sure, I walked in to that dark room by free force, I did put myself in a dangerous situation, that is not an excuse for those guy to rob and rape me. But I have thought a lot about where is the line between being a victim for the circumstance and your own personal responsibility...
With that said, no I don't think he was raped. He wrote an article about it in the Huffington Post, if that was the case, he got away easy... This is the first time I ever written this down and one of the reason is that I am writing it in my second language which makes it more distant for me and less real. Having low self esteem is not being raped or being sexual assault. The only abuse he have had is what he is doing to him self... And that thought have been on my mind too, did I let myself get in this position, can I be that self destructive?