Scared to come out to my conservative family
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What do you do when you have a very conservative family, who voted for Trump and thinks being gay is a sin???
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@hotmuscletwi said in Scared to come out to my conservative family:
What do you do when you have a very conservative family, who voted for Trump and thinks being gay is a sin???
Hey there. That's a tough position to be in... and there are no easy answers!
I would say this: start building a support system that is external to your "family of origin" - people who love you for who you are and will support that person - the authentic you - no matter what. People you can trust.
NOTE: You may already have that, or think you do, but before I jumped "all-in" on coming out to my family, I'd make sure my "support system" was ready if things turned out badly.
NEXT: one you are ready, you're going to have to make a call: it's either safe for you (physically and emotionally) to come out to your family, or it is not. NO ONE can answer the question: is it safe? for you, you're going to have to make that judgement yourself... but if you have siblings or extended family you trust, by all means reach out to them.
BUT, IGNORE "cookie cutter" advise from people who don't know you or your situation. For example: if your dad is an "Archie Bunker" the threshold of "being safe" is very different than if your dad is a "Tony Soprano."
I am 57 - I have had friends who have kept their secret from their families for their entire lifetime. Others have kept it from their parents while being out to siblings. One friend's family kept the secret from his mother until her death, but everyone else knew. There is no one answer for everyone. Every family is different.
What is universal is that it is hard keeping that part of your life (who you love) a secret. Hard, and sometimes painful. But sometimes the pain isn't all yours.
I went to a funeral for a friend who passed from a sudden heart attack. His family was FLOORED that so many "queers" showed up! We outnumbered the "traditional" family and friends by a 5-to-1 margin, maybe more! But the "family of origin" was crushed that there was so much of their son that he felt that he had to keep hidden. They accepted him - and his friends attending the funeral - with open arms. They were very gracious, but also very saddened to have "missed out" on so much of his life.
That said, I've also had friends pass where the "family of origin" specifically asked that "no fags attend please"...
It's truly a rainbow of fruity flavors of families out there... and no knows your family the way YOU know your family.
Be safe, and seek counseling if you think it might help. Most major metropolitan areas in the US have a "Crisis Center" that will have therapists trained in these kinds of things - usually for free, or an income-based fee scale.
Be well...and good luck!
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@hotmuscletwi Show them this photo and tell them that not only was Trump was the first president elected supporting gay marriage, he was the first president to name an openly gay person to a Cabinet-level position.
If you're really worried about them being Trump supporters who won't accept you (as you seem to be since you mentioned it), tell them that if he has no problem with it, neither should they.
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I have a very conservative family and I came out at 13 years old, it took years for them to understand that I was not a "mistake" or "sin", there was a lot of talk for years until they finally managed to accept me, now 23 years old , I'm married, they love my husband, we go to family lunches, we celebrate important dates together, the important thing is to have patience, the beginning is always difficult
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@hotmuscletwi said in Scared to come out to my conservative family:
What do you do when you have a very conservative family, who voted for Trump and thinks being gay is a sin???
My mom's side of the family (her generation, not mine or younger) is quite homophobic. They are all Democrats, except one of my aunts. I only talk to 2 people from that side, my sister and my cousin (female).
My dad's side of the family is quite religious and quite conservative. Almost all voted for Trump. I talk to all of them and they even talk to my husband.
Being conservative Trump supporters doesn't mean you are a homophobe and being a Democrat doesn't mean you are a nice person.
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@bi4smooth thanks bro
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@hotmuscletwi do you depend on them? If you don't, I don't think you should worry.
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Actions, not politicking.
An important aspect to your sexuality is that it is ultimately no ones business but yours and those who you interact with, and those who -you choose- to tell.
Do you feel an obligation/compulsion to announce/come out to them?
As @bi4smooth said, make sure you have a support circle outside your family and immediate family in case things turn south or your sexuality is discovered or exposed.
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I've been having the same problems in my family. I never have a gut to say that I am gay. My whole family is conservative. But When I get a new well-paid job I am planning to move to a diffrent country.
