Need to bitch about the life
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I'm really sorry. But I really feel the need to just let it all out. Not gonna post such personal stuff on Facebook… so this just seemed like the best place to do it.
Since I was child everything seemed like not enough. I was struggling with depression, I so desperately wanted to have friends, I had like hundreds but I wanted more and more cause I always felt a little lonely. Since I can remember I also wanted a white knight on a horse just to save me from all of it. But let's skip to more recent things.
I always had a crush on straight guys. Never worked.
I just fell a pressure from a world to be something.
Everyone seemed to enjoy their life. I know a lot of people just put a mask like i do.
But everytime I would bring on a topic of how weird life is, nobody would actually relate or know what I'm talking about. Everyone just seems to be so easy-going about everything that's happening. Then more responsibilities kicked in. Then people started dying. My dog. My family. Then I got to an age when even my friends started dying. And that was really havey for me. I was never good at heartbreaks either. It always affected me pretty much. I think I just wasn't expecting life to be this bad. And all that hit me I just reacted pretty hysterical. But I thought I kinda accepted that life is not fair. Long story short. Still heartbreaks, still depression. When I was studying all my efforts went to having good grades. I didn't cheat on exams I was just trying to learn stuff and it really took a lot from me cause it was very hard. I was so devastated I got an uncurable diseases that happens when you deal with an overwhelming amount of stress for example (and that ain't no mangekyou sharingan bitch). But I carried on. Then my father told me he has cancer. I was always distant to him cause he wasn't ever there. He was just to help with money and fixing stuff but nothing more. He actually could die. Then I found that he also has a woman and another child which is like fucking 10 yo and lives in the same city and we didn't even know that. I had a boyfriend and I had a kind of cool time. It wasn't something exciting but it was very peaceful. But after a year we broke up. I gathered myself and at the end of semester I actually remember the time when I was just smoking a cigarette with my friend. We felt so free. That's why I sometimes smoke. It reminds me of that moment. Everytime there was a stress or we were after an exam we would just smoke and chill for 5 minutes. I know that's how addictions are born but I'm not doing it regularly - only on certain occassions. Anyway, I thought I have it all figured out. I came to terms - I was happy with myself, with friends I've got. With the life. I felt at peace finally. And then... I met Him. It started innocently. But fuck. I fell so hard in love. I never knew any feeling like that. I never loved somebody like this. We had few tries. But it destroyed me so much. He gave me so much motivation and energy. I wanted to be better for him. I was able to do 3 trainings a day. I just wanted to be enough. The first time he thought it's not working well I just remember being in my depression again. I felt so fucking horrible. Like a nightmare. I didn't want to contact him to impact my feeling on him. So I just remember staying in capital in a house that wasn't even mine for a week and just... just trying to handle. Then when my brother's ex fiance (which was pretty fucking pain too, cause we all loved her) would come back from work we would just sit on the balcony and talk about stuff and try to hope that there WILL BE better times. She's now in filipino with the love of her life and I'm still here. Anyway, when I wasn't done grieving the breakup I found out my brother is in jail. In fucking China. Well. I'm in Europe. He didn't come out yet, but that's another story. Just imagine all those things at once. Then as I said some of my friends also passed away and I was just lost again. Like a child I was before. He and I (and we were 7hours away) met because I was going to make some business in his city. His feelings came to life. We started dating and I was so happy. He was everything to me. It shouldn't be that way. I had it all figured out before he came but once he did life was just never the same. He broke up again and found a guy quickly after. They are still together. They just moved in recently. I was living all that time with a ounce of hope for a friendship that he gave. I trusted him that we can be friends and he can act appropiate. But it wasn't working. All I did was hurt and hurt more. Everytime. Everytime I thought about them during a night, when I saw him on messenger and knew he's not gonna text me, everytime I released a song about him and I knew he listened and told me it's such a great job but he didn't take a second to realize that it's all for him, or when he bailed on my birthday cause his boyfriend got flu. And when I met him on the train accidentaly I realized when I tricked him that he didn't even plan to meet me. Even though he said he wants to be friends, even though he actually messaged me that he hopes we will see each other and when we were choosing particular day and hour for our meeting together. He didn't say no. He played me and that lie wasted my days, my time, my hope, my nerves and he knew, all along he knew he's not gonna come. And I had such a hard time understanding. I asked him WHY? Why did you do that? Why did I deserve it ? And he just said "... I don't know". And even tho he's such a major douchebag and a fucking lying moron I didn't find anyone even close to his level of awesomeness. Everything he was at the begining for me or everything he is now for his boyfriend nobody even came close to this fucking dick. And that's another terrible fact to face in this life. I just can't stop thinking about him. I try do move it away but sometimes it just comes to mind suddenly and catches me offguard. Like thoughts that he was always "mine", everybody knew about him and now his parents probably know the other guy already and all of their friends know their a couple and their telling them "you're such a perfect match" or "you look great together" or just how they live together in one house or how they sleep while just what felt like a day ago it was just the two of us and no one else. Just the fact that he can forget about or just turn down so easily everything we were and what we've been through. So that's the shit I'm dealing with and I was supposed to work on my thesis and a lot of other stuff and I'm spending days at my grandma's cooking her dinners and wiping off her butt. While they... ugh. I just go on facebook or on my phone and even though I have lot of friends or lately I've been recognized by few really popular Instagram accounts with thousands of followers I just feel like I have nobody to talk to. My grandma fainted and had to be reanimated. Now she's in the hospital. And that MIGHT be another person to lose. I'm waiting for my brother to come by train and we will figure out what to do next.I know that people have worse problems than I have. I know people have probably less money than I have. But I also know people can be happy despite that. Just what I'm doing wrong? I'm trying to find the passion in what I do. I have hobbies I'm dedicated to them. I was once in a church for 10 years. But it's all not working out for me. I'm finding less and less joy in everything I do. Believe me, I'm really trying. But everytime there has to come bigger and bigger shit to deal with. Like it's not enough. Everybody says there will come a better time. Everybody said that they're too in love and struggle with the same problem so I'm not alone. Where are they now? They're in new relationships. In love. It's just not getting any fucking better for me.
Sorry just had to let it out. -
A sad story but if you feel better letting it out here, that's good
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The stress of caring for your grandmother would be enough to put many of us in the same, lost feeling. I hope your brother can really help you with those decisions. As well, sorry that your relationships hurt your sense of trust. One day, that will change! :lovp:
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Thanks for the kind words guy. Will look here sometimes if anyone gives me maybe any good advice? Maybe it's time to go to psyhologist? I'm really thankful for those two responses.
Grandma didn't make it…
She died in the hospital.
I just want to keep my family strong. There aren't much of us left but when somebody cries I just don't know what to do. I realize that I'm the less affected. I will miss her so much. All of her stories. Her jokes. Her laugh. Her energy. But I've been through worse. I really feel bad writing this... it doesn't feel right. But I really been in worse states when my heart was broken and when I was in a breakdown which felt really more like end of the world to me, than the person passing. Maybe that makes me an egoist. I don't know. But it's so awkward. I want to make this right. This situation. This life. But I don't know what to tell them. How to act. How to face their sorrow. I feel powerless. -
Hey, buddy, really sorry to hear about your Grandma. You have to remember her stories, remember her jokes.
And there is nothing wrong in sharing your feelings. I'm not sure about the professional help but you must be the judge of that.
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