How 2 get over sexual fantasy w straight guys?
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I have no clue what 2 do 2 get over it. I've been working, going 2 uni and hanging out w absolutely cute guys and they have been great 2 me.
However, I'm still in closet and the last time I came out 2 a guy I know was disastrous so I'm going to keep it 2 myself 4 a while. But damn, they're so hot and no matter what I try, I cannot avoid being close 2 them (group work for e.g.) and I have problems w my mind when I sit so close 2 a hot guy.
I need 2 control myself b4 making any mistake.
Anyone has any ideas plz help me. They're great guys but I wanna be stiff whenever they're around. -
Masturbate a lot when you know you have to be around them. And imagine the look on their faces when you tell them your fantasies about them.
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Difficult situation. I do not now how your work environment is and could not exactly found out which country or internal work environment you have to operate. The largest problem is your outcome. After getting out of the closet myself, (working for the royal air force and several security company’s, which are not especially gay environment friendly employers my life got much easier, but I am living in the Netherlands which should be a very tolerant country. It also depends how you cope with insulting remarks and your own self confidence. Maybe this problem can be discussed with a trust person inside your company. In Holland this is a mandatory job for every company so I am not sure if this advise is relevant for you. This person is the responsible person to help you after your coming out and to consult your direct colleagues if you having problems to do it yourself.
Easy talking from the sideline but I hope this will help you making some decisions to solve this problem.
After the first obtacle is taken I hope for you the path is cleared to discuss this with the colleuges mentioned. The worst thing that can happen is that the reject yout advances. In either way you no exactly what your position is an maybe you can put them out of your mind.
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Thanx 4 da tips ppl!
I'm in Australia, and it's hard to get thru but I hav 2 try. I hav 3 more years 2 go i uni.
BTW, it's not the look dat concerns, dat's the smell. Damn, he smells so good when he sweat! -
Every time you think about the guy, thump yourself in the nuts.
Aversion therapy for the win. :cheesy2:
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Every time you think about the guy, thump yourself in the nuts.
Aversion therapy for the win. :cheesy2:
When I played basketball in high school that's how I learned to shoot free throws…. kind of. I had a rubber band on my wrist and everytime I would miss a free throw I would pull it and pop my wrist. Worked like a charm.
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Hey there Thomas
Forgive me, but I suspect that this post is going to be long and you may feel that what I'm going to say is roundabout with little relevance to your situation, however, it will be because I'm trying to fill in some of the blanks so that you can better understand where you're coming from and hopefully yourself too…so that you'll be better equipped to draw informed conclusions for yourself. So please bear with me?
However, I'm still in closet and the last time I came out 2 a guy I know was disastrous so I'm going to keep it 2 myself 4 a while. But damn, they're so hot and no matter what I try, I cannot avoid being close 2 them (group work for e.g.) and I have problems w my mind when I sit so close 2 a hot guy.
When it comes to human sexuality, most sexual researchers will say that it's a case of "nature vs nurture". On the one hand we find theories about how sexual orientation is determined by genetics (eg. bisexuals have more y chromosomes or the hormones of the mother plays a part in determining the sexual orientation of the infant). On the other hand, we find people like Freud (the Oedipus Complex in boys) and Jung (the Electra Complex in girls) who hypothesize that sexual orientation is determined by the upbringing/home environment of the child. In isolation, theories on both sides are rather flawed, but when these theories that come from both sides are integrated, we're given something to work with. Most embrace the middle ground approach by asserting that our sexual orientations are predetermined biologically (to some degree) and that they are reinforced and influenced by our life experiences (the earlier on in our lives that certain things are experienced, the stronger the influence on how we act out on our sexuality/sexual orientations). I'm presenting this to you so that you may be aware of how your experiences may very well have an influence on the situation that you find yourself to be in today.
Within the realm of contemporary researchers, I feel that the work of Alfred Kinsey is both, a blessing and a curse. The formulation of the Kinsey Scale has left the general population with the impression that sexuality is linear in nature (there's the shift from heterosexuality to bisexuality to homosexuality and it ends with asexuality. Not that many people are aware of later work done by people like Pat Saliba (sexual orientations are determined by three factors: sexual activity, erotic fantasies and affectional relationships), Fritz Klein (the creation of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid that comprises of 7 vectors: sexual attractions, sexual behavior, sexual fantasies, emotional preference, social preference, lifestyle and self-identification as they relate to the person's past, present and ideal future) and J. R. Little (doctoral thesis on the 13 forms of bisexuality found in women) where we are made aware that human sexuality is multidimensional. Such research has once again affirmed the reality that our experiences influence our sexual behavior.
I think that for most of us, we participate in certain sexual activities because they meet our emotional needs more than our sexual needs without being aware of it. To a large degree, I also think that this is how a lot of fetishes came into being. It doesn't imply that any of this is bad but sometimes it's helpful to be aware of where things are coming from because through better understanding, we're able to approach things on our terms and thus ensure that these needs are being met in healthy and fulfilling ways. There's what's known as "Sexual Narcissism" where a straight guy is turned on by the practice of either leading a gay guy on only to back out at the last minute or cam/expose himself to gay guys. To a large degree, the payout would be the sense of empowerment or the awareness of his desirability and is most probably the result of experiences that have left him feeling disempowered or undesirable and through this kind of behavior he is able to experience these things on a temporary and superficial level. I've crossed paths with promiscuous gay and bi men who, upon self examination, realised that they ascribed to this approach because they longed to feel emotionally close to another man and they were able to experience this through being physically and sexually intimate. I've met a lot of gay men who prefer to only have sex with "straight men"; they find the challenge of "turning them" etc. to be highly erotic. Once again, an emotional payout is involved and I suspect that through doing so, they are left with a sense of having power or being in control…though it could also come from a place of rebellion and thus forbidden fruit are more appealing.
Bringing things closer to home... I suspect that the desires that you're experiencing when in the company of hot straight guys could be coming from various places...and you'll have to discern things and come to your own conclusion. Being in the closet tends to leave one feeling isolated and at times, it can be painful to experience this sense of isolation. In light of this, what you're experiencing could be what's known as the "approach-avoid complex". Your attraction to these guys could be the result of your desire to break your isolation through coming out to others and being able to relate with them authentically, but your previous disastrous experience after coming out to a guy prevents you from doing so. It could also come from a place of self protection. You desire to have an intimate relationship with another man, however, through being in such a relationship you'd run the risk of being outed (because it could be hard to hide from others) so you subconsciously allow yourself to be drawn to straight guys because you know that it would be impossible to have such a relationship with them and thus you won't be outed.
The other thing to be aware of is that as men we're wired in such a way that whenever we go through periods of stress and most especially anxiety, it tends to translate into sexual tension. If you look back on your life (especially your teen years) and if you compare notes with other guys, you will most probably find that you masturbated with more frequency whenever you experienced anxiety or stress. In this situation, your fear of being outed and being dealt with severely could be projected onto these straight guys and it thus leads to the sexual tension that you're experiencing when you're in their company.
I've used this approach in responding to you with the hope that you're aware of just how complex our sexuality is. Added to which, you're attempting to treat the symptoms without being aware of the cause and this is of concern to me. You may have noticed that the theories that I've presented to you about your situation have one common denominator: Your fears of being outed and the likelihood that you're feeling isolated because of being in the closet. Much as you're uncomfortable with your situation, the thing that you need to be aware of is that it allows for you express what's going on inside of you. If you remove it without being aware of what the cause of it is, you run the risk of it manifesting in other ways. In the instance of feeling isolated, you run the risk of going through intense waves of depression which doesn't only stand to have an adverse effect on your studies, but even worse than that, your depression could end up becoming so intense that you go through stages where you feel suicidal as well.
In light of being raised in environments like "big boys don't cry" etc., as men we oftentimes find it hard to deal with the "touchy feely" side of things which means that we attempt to bolt from situations where these things emerge...most especially when we're confronted with emotions that cause a lot of discomfort. As a result, we try to find quick fixes or put ourselves under a lot of undue pressure to formulate answers for ourselves or to come up with solutions to the problem. The thing that's overlooked in the process, is that just because these situations or emotions create discomfort, they aren't necessarily bad; they're simply there to make us aware of what's going on inside of us so that we can better understand ourselves and thus have the opportunity to approach things on our terms. A lot of the time the questions etc are of greater importance than the answers because they serve as signposts that make us aware of areas inside of ourselves that are in need of facing down. As a result, my advice would be that you pay less attention on trying to come up with a solution and more time on trying to understand where it's coming from. Two ways of doing this would be to pay attention to the emotions that you're experiencing during such times where you're attracted to/turned on by hot straight guys and to try to understand what's causing you to experience these emotions. The second thing would be to spend time asking yourself, "Why is this a recurring experience in my life?" Focus more attention on the question itself and not on trying to come up with an answer any time yet. The more that you spend time reflecting on it, the closer you'll come to triggering a response and bringing things into your awareness.
All of the best!
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Every time you think about the guy, thump yourself in the nuts.
Aversion therapy for the win. :cheesy2:
LOL
love this answer!!!
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i used to enjoy just reading threads in this forum and smile about it.
but this topic is a hit for me. so here i am.. posting for the first time…My name is john and same with the thread starter i am also a closet guy... in my country being gay is really not a problem, but it can be pain in the arse, if you are known to be a straight guy then all of the sudden you turn out to be not.. well this post is actually not an advice coz certainly i am also looking for the answers on how to deal with it...
not to brag or anything, if my looks will be categorized, i am an above average looking person, in other words i could be a head turner in certain level. 8)... to add complication to the already complicated situation, my family is quite well known in our local community... so going out in a closet is really not that wise for me to do, considering the possible ramification that it may bring...
just like you also, i like straight guys. liking another gay man is like being gayGay, or gay squared.... or whatever you wanna call it... if someday the world will accept gayness as another addition to the gender option then being in love to a gay is another gaynessness. and i would suggest if that will be the case, then it should be classified as a different gender again, being gaytogay..
my suggestion for you is to befriend them... coz once you befriend them, everything will change.. at least for me....
i have good looking friends, whom i admit i had a crush and a hard on the first time i met them, i can recall that i even masturbated in the bathroom in the middle of a game. hahaha...we were acquaintances that time... but now we are like good friends and all those lusty feelings i used to have is gone... they can go naked in the shower with me and i am confident that i wont have a hard on.... funny if it happened on the first day i met them.. they naked in the shower and saw me having a boner. hahahaha.. that would be very hard to explain.
anyway... thats about it for my first post. and i hope my tip would work for you... and excuse my english, i am not that really good at it...
:cool2:
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Good advice and GREAT first post magnitude200! I look forward to seeing more of your input in the forums now that you've broken the ice. ;D
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thank you for liking it.
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it doesn't work all the time… but it saved me from a lot of frustration. there are just some cute guys that you can't get over with... and befriending them sometimes just adds false hopes on your end. oh well, never was there a time i hated my self for being like this... i have always love the way i am, and being suppressed on some things just adds spice to my being...
though there are times i wanted to slip some ativan on their bottles. lol... :police: too bad it can't be found anywhere here in my place
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I'm in a closet too.
the great thing about me is that at work, i can't think of anything BUT work. My mind can't seem to stray unless I'm on a break or I'm troubled by other thoughts.
I guess it's all about controlling your thoughts and not letting it stray, however … if it doesn't work .... distract yourself from your lewd thoughts with something
that can make your package shrink.maybe it works for me cos there ain't any pretty eyes that can steal my heart and ignite my lust.
haven't really tested it in the presence of my dream dude. -
If you are not horny, there will be less tension. Fapping reduces tension. Pron encourages/facilitates
fapping.
Maybe your interest is because the guys around you are all good looking and sexually desirable. That
pressure can be reduced by having sex with people who ARE available.
That is why truckers invented gloryholes. It is why there are saunas and public parks open after dark.
And tea rooms for cottaging. And gay dating sites and hookup aps and gay beaches
and gay bars and gay parades and gay clubs for everything from cardgames to athletics.
If you knew that every one of your fantasy mates wanted to get naked with you in private, would you
still be resisting? Maybe the issue is not that they are unavailable to act on your
fantasies, but that you are afraid to act on them. One way to find out is for you to find a way to become sexually
active. There are places where gay men and strait men go to take
care of that interest. Find one of those places and go there. Chat someone up online. Answer an advert. Hire a
rent boy. Get some experience where you are comfortable knowing that
you can get someone off and enjoy having them do the same for you. Then, unavailable people will not
overwhelm the inconvenient propinquity because your need to seed will be reduced
and you can pay more attention to finding an available playmate.
Also, unless your country is different, there are weekends and holidays where one can travel. For
example, one can travel to the next town down the road where you are unlike to find
any of your friends and str8 mates in the gay bars and gay saunas and gay beaches and gay nooks and crannies
of parks in the dark. And people in that town will also have hookup aps
and be on dating sites but are pretty much guaranteed not to be the coxmen you drool over daily.
In Victorian times, there was enough of a class difference that scally lads and street people were
available for those who dare not approach their social equals. In extreme cases,
you could always go to Italy and find a friendly gondolier to share his favors. Sexual tourism is alive and well
today, too. Check out a gay travel guide and plan ahead.
The important thing is to relieve some of the pressure and start taking action with someone available
and appropriate.
They say a hard prick has no conscience, and that the difference between a str8 man and a willing
participant is a few beers. "Gawd was I drunk last night. I don't remember a thing."
If that is not a satisfactory level of human connection, look elsewhere. And, hey, here is an idea. What would
happen if you became really good, close, personal, confidential, trusting
friends with someone? Maybe you would find out about their interests and needs and goals and desires and
experiences. At a sufficient level of trust, maybe you could share some of
their openness.
A possibly useful question would involve their sexual experiences. When did they first fap? When and
how did they first fuck a woman? Did they have blow jobs first? Have they found
women who are good at blowjobs? Have they ever wondered whether a fag would be more skilled? Have they
ever wondered, even back in their puberty flowering confusion, whether they
were gay or might ever play with a guy? Lots of kids fool around. If they admit to such thoughts or curiosity, or
throw up all over the floor, you have a hint about whether and how to
proceed.
Anyone can get a hardon at any time, at least at your age, whatever it is. A man talking to a woman
beside him on the subway can throw a rod. So can horny men any time they are naked
or nearly naked at a pool, shower, or changing room. That does not mean anything except that you are healthy.
Maybe you can discuss how you are afraid to get a boner in front of yr friends because you are afraid that they
will Make Assumptions or laugh at you. Have they ever gotten embarrassed from being turned on? Have they
ever been caught in the solo act? Or caught/watched in partnered sex? Have they ever been watched or watched
someone else, perhaps a roommate who thought they were asleep?
Lots of ways to raise sex topics safely, and confident men do like to boast. I get more bitches than
anyone. My dick is bigger than your dick. I can cum a dozen times in one night. My
solo record is X times in a row. Maybe they have pron sites they know about that you do not and they would be
willing to share. A few drinks to ease conversation, a little time talking about the size of those hooters.
Maybe a threesome would be of interest, perhaps even a mate sharing the same girl. Or two couples sweating
noisily in the same room. Lots of things to explore when you are comfortable enough and secure enough to be confidential.
And, I'd be interested in knowing this, being a different generation born in repression and a world of
fear, how do yr mates feel about gays? We're everywhere in the media these days.
Even celebrities come out and still make movies and host television shows. How do yr friends feel about that?
Loathsome? Or who the f cares where someone puts their dick or tongue?
Any port in a storm? More pussy for the rest of us? Or, as Woody Allen said, it doubles your chances of dating on
a Saturday night?
Do they know any gay people? Have they ever had a friend come out to them and how did they react?
If they have not, is it because their queer friends are terrified of their
narrow-minded bigotry and judgmentalism or do they, unlike everyone else your age, not know a single guy who
likes guys? Have they ever thought how they would respond if
they found out a friend or coworker was gay? Or if some dude came onto them?
Lots of topics to explore, and my guess is that yr gen has different responses than mine did when we
were your age. In fact, I am all too aware of amazingly hot men who wanted me
to make a move, practically waved their hardon at me, and then went away frustrated because I didn't dare
believe or act on the invitation. That was my limitation, not theirs.
A warning in red on this page as I type says this topic is old, old, old. so there must have been
developments since the original question was raised. Have any previous answers
been helpful? Have you gotten it on with anyone since? Are you still celibate and frustrated? What's going on?
Men are physically capable of insemination and born with the equipment and instincts to follow
through. And unless you have some superstitious inhibitions or terrors, being a bit of a
lad and putting it about are what people your age are most inclined to do. So get with the program. And then,
maybe yr porn fantasies about possibly unavailable mates will fade into insignificance.
Doesn't mean you can't still look, though.
Guess what all this amounts to is a number of possible discussion topics that might lead to you at least
being better informed about the feelings of your associates, or at least what they are willing to express in public.
Most everyone has done or at least thought of doing something, has wondered how it would feel, etc. You might
find things go better, in any direction, if you become socially closer, spend more time with someone, etc. And
you may be able to find out how they feel about the topics raised. If they boast about their conquests, you
will have information you may enjoy learning… and recalling later.
The other suggestion I have really is equally serious-- find a way to have some sex with someone in person,
on Skype, on cam, on the phone, whatever it takes. Then, at least, the pressure of rank horniness is not the most
driving factor in your distraction.
If you are afraid of personal closeness with males or discussing sex like everybody else in certain situations,
are terrified of being someone's wingman at a bar, or of course if you are afraid of actually having actual sex,
then you have other issues and the fixation you discuss is only a convenient cover for hiding something more
fundamental. -
I talk to them about banging girls or point out girls walking by if they wear something revealing etc, so that:
a. I get turned off by all the mention of vagina.
b. It maintains my straight cover and I can continue peeking at their cocks/plumbers crack
c. It gets them turned on so if they're not getting any and are the slightest bit bi-curious they might be willing to fool around (this has only happened with one guy)I'm not saying this is healthy or a good idea, it's just what I do and it works out okay with most of the time and worked out extremely well once.
It helps if you know the guys specific preferences so you can point out specific girls or tailor conversations to hit specific key points and horn them up.
