Hey there Thomas
Forgive me, but I suspect that this post is going to be long and you may feel that what I'm going to say is roundabout with little relevance to your situation, however, it will be because I'm trying to fill in some of the blanks so that you can better understand where you're coming from and hopefully yourself too…so that you'll be better equipped to draw informed conclusions for yourself. So please bear with me?
@thomas261989:
However, I'm still in closet and the last time I came out 2 a guy I know was disastrous so I'm going to keep it 2 myself 4 a while. But damn, they're so hot and no matter what I try, I cannot avoid being close 2 them (group work for e.g.) and I have problems w my mind when I sit so close 2 a hot guy.
When it comes to human sexuality, most sexual researchers will say that it's a case of "nature vs nurture". On the one hand we find theories about how sexual orientation is determined by genetics (eg. bisexuals have more y chromosomes or the hormones of the mother plays a part in determining the sexual orientation of the infant). On the other hand, we find people like Freud (the Oedipus Complex in boys) and Jung (the Electra Complex in girls) who hypothesize that sexual orientation is determined by the upbringing/home environment of the child. In isolation, theories on both sides are rather flawed, but when these theories that come from both sides are integrated, we're given something to work with. Most embrace the middle ground approach by asserting that our sexual orientations are predetermined biologically (to some degree) and that they are reinforced and influenced by our life experiences (the earlier on in our lives that certain things are experienced, the stronger the influence on how we act out on our sexuality/sexual orientations). I'm presenting this to you so that you may be aware of how your experiences may very well have an influence on the situation that you find yourself to be in today.
Within the realm of contemporary researchers, I feel that the work of Alfred Kinsey is both, a blessing and a curse. The formulation of the Kinsey Scale has left the general population with the impression that sexuality is linear in nature (there's the shift from heterosexuality to bisexuality to homosexuality and it ends with asexuality. Not that many people are aware of later work done by people like Pat Saliba (sexual orientations are determined by three factors: sexual activity, erotic fantasies and affectional relationships), Fritz Klein (the creation of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid that comprises of 7 vectors: sexual attractions, sexual behavior, sexual fantasies, emotional preference, social preference, lifestyle and self-identification as they relate to the person's past, present and ideal future) and J. R. Little (doctoral thesis on the 13 forms of bisexuality found in women) where we are made aware that human sexuality is multidimensional. Such research has once again affirmed the reality that our experiences influence our sexual behavior.
I think that for most of us, we participate in certain sexual activities because they meet our emotional needs more than our sexual needs without being aware of it. To a large degree, I also think that this is how a lot of fetishes came into being. It doesn't imply that any of this is bad but sometimes it's helpful to be aware of where things are coming from because through better understanding, we're able to approach things on our terms and thus ensure that these needs are being met in healthy and fulfilling ways. There's what's known as "Sexual Narcissism" where a straight guy is turned on by the practice of either leading a gay guy on only to back out at the last minute or cam/expose himself to gay guys. To a large degree, the payout would be the sense of empowerment or the awareness of his desirability and is most probably the result of experiences that have left him feeling disempowered or undesirable and through this kind of behavior he is able to experience these things on a temporary and superficial level. I've crossed paths with promiscuous gay and bi men who, upon self examination, realised that they ascribed to this approach because they longed to feel emotionally close to another man and they were able to experience this through being physically and sexually intimate. I've met a lot of gay men who prefer to only have sex with "straight men"; they find the challenge of "turning them" etc. to be highly erotic. Once again, an emotional payout is involved and I suspect that through doing so, they are left with a sense of having power or being in control…though it could also come from a place of rebellion and thus forbidden fruit are more appealing.
Bringing things closer to home... I suspect that the desires that you're experiencing when in the company of hot straight guys could be coming from various places...and you'll have to discern things and come to your own conclusion. Being in the closet tends to leave one feeling isolated and at times, it can be painful to experience this sense of isolation. In light of this, what you're experiencing could be what's known as the "approach-avoid complex". Your attraction to these guys could be the result of your desire to break your isolation through coming out to others and being able to relate with them authentically, but your previous disastrous experience after coming out to a guy prevents you from doing so. It could also come from a place of self protection. You desire to have an intimate relationship with another man, however, through being in such a relationship you'd run the risk of being outed (because it could be hard to hide from others) so you subconsciously allow yourself to be drawn to straight guys because you know that it would be impossible to have such a relationship with them and thus you won't be outed.
The other thing to be aware of is that as men we're wired in such a way that whenever we go through periods of stress and most especially anxiety, it tends to translate into sexual tension. If you look back on your life (especially your teen years) and if you compare notes with other guys, you will most probably find that you masturbated with more frequency whenever you experienced anxiety or stress. In this situation, your fear of being outed and being dealt with severely could be projected onto these straight guys and it thus leads to the sexual tension that you're experiencing when you're in their company.
I've used this approach in responding to you with the hope that you're aware of just how complex our sexuality is. Added to which, you're attempting to treat the symptoms without being aware of the cause and this is of concern to me. You may have noticed that the theories that I've presented to you about your situation have one common denominator: Your fears of being outed and the likelihood that you're feeling isolated because of being in the closet. Much as you're uncomfortable with your situation, the thing that you need to be aware of is that it allows for you express what's going on inside of you. If you remove it without being aware of what the cause of it is, you run the risk of it manifesting in other ways. In the instance of feeling isolated, you run the risk of going through intense waves of depression which doesn't only stand to have an adverse effect on your studies, but even worse than that, your depression could end up becoming so intense that you go through stages where you feel suicidal as well.
In light of being raised in environments like "big boys don't cry" etc., as men we oftentimes find it hard to deal with the "touchy feely" side of things which means that we attempt to bolt from situations where these things emerge...most especially when we're confronted with emotions that cause a lot of discomfort. As a result, we try to find quick fixes or put ourselves under a lot of undue pressure to formulate answers for ourselves or to come up with solutions to the problem. The thing that's overlooked in the process, is that just because these situations or emotions create discomfort, they aren't necessarily bad; they're simply there to make us aware of what's going on inside of us so that we can better understand ourselves and thus have the opportunity to approach things on our terms. A lot of the time the questions etc are of greater importance than the answers because they serve as signposts that make us aware of areas inside of ourselves that are in need of facing down. As a result, my advice would be that you pay less attention on trying to come up with a solution and more time on trying to understand where it's coming from. Two ways of doing this would be to pay attention to the emotions that you're experiencing during such times where you're attracted to/turned on by hot straight guys and to try to understand what's causing you to experience these emotions. The second thing would be to spend time asking yourself, "Why is this a recurring experience in my life?" Focus more attention on the question itself and not on trying to come up with an answer any time yet. The more that you spend time reflecting on it, the closer you'll come to triggering a response and bringing things into your awareness.
All of the best!
