Trouble getting it up...
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I don't think I'm alone here as it seems plenty of guys at the sauna has this problem.
I would like to top (I mostly bottom) but one problem is I can't seem to get it up in the presence of someone else. I really have no trouble at home, wanking, or whatever but as soon as someone else gets involved it gets difficult.
I only topped a man once successfully and this is with skillful stimulation by the bottom and some viagra.
I'm finding at the sauna even viagra/cialis won't cut it... I cum long before I could even get hard.
Is this something many gays experience or is it just that "I'm not gay enough" (as some say)?
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@Chaser18 it definitely sounds like anxiety and it definitely will require more than a few affirming words over the internet to overcome, i speak from experience as I had the exact same problem.
The anxiety, as the name suggests, is a suffering by anticipation, you assume things will go bad in a very specific and deterministic way.
Things that could influence in the ineptitude to get hard are the fear/shame of having a lackluster performance that the other cannot really enjoy, fear/shame of coming too fast, fear/shame of not coming at all, shame of being seen/judged as you perform.
It is also possible that the difficulty to maintain a boner is not really the anxiety but porn addiction, if you're constantly watching porn and rarely make out with others or jerk-off without visual stimuli, you might fail to get hard when presented with a different scenario. Two hot guys fucking in front of you might not get you hard even though you know if you record and watch it alone it will.
These things are best addressed with a professional sex therapist.
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I didn't know a sex therapist is a thing.
But it seems a common enough problem because the number of people who can successfully top seems to be low. It also depends on having a partner who knows how to get you up for one... and I think I need more than one night stands and sauna sessions for this.
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@Chaser18 said in Trouble getting it up...:
@ianfontinell-0
I didn't know a sex therapist is a thing.It very much is, and it's quite expensive
But it seems a common enough problem because the number of people who can successfully top seems to be low. It also depends on having a partner who knows how to get you up for one... and I think I need more than one night stands and sauna sessions for this.
That's also something to consider, finding someone you trust and with whom you already have a solid bond is key for figuring those things out. Specially if you're only used to nsa and one night stands with total strangers.
It's easy to assume that one thing is simple and easy and that struggling with it indicates that there's something wrong with ourselves, when we are just trying too hard to fit a shoe that isn't ours.
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Yea, I'm used to one night stands and nsa with strangers mainly because it's all that's available to me. I don't have any friends of the right orientation that I can go discuss sexual details with (and he has porn addiction issues so I don't even think this will help him either).
The gay sauna in Taiwan is just very purely nsa, no one really wants to get to know you. The one I been to in Berlin wasn't like this, a few wants to get to know me and buy me beer and such (not that I drink beer). I actually felt my chances with sex is higher in Germany than in Taiwan, but oddly the foreigners I ran into (that we did anything sexual with) in Taiwan's sauna are German.
And the weird thing is, sometimes, rarely, I could get really hard in saunas and such. I think drugs like viagra/cialis helps push you in that direction but it doesn't actually FORCE a boner. Cialis is better in my opinion because it's good for like 3 days so you don't even have to like wait until you're about to have sex to take it, you get a boner basically anytime during the 3 days it's active.
Is there something I can ask my non sexual therapist about, that might help with the anxiety?
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@Chaser18 that really depends on how comfortable you feel around your therapist, because if you bring this topic to them, you need to be prepared to be confronted with some uncomfortable questions, or with the possibility that they might feel inapt to help you.
you can go to a therapist with what you think is an issue, and they might have a different understanding. they may think your issue is actually a symptom of something else that is not related to sex at all. a sex therapist is usually better with those cases as they tend to be more open minded and have more experience with this type of patients. but a generalist therapist might be a good start, specially if you are already seeing one and have a good relationship with them.