I have a bad "gut" feeling about my boyfriend
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We have been together for a few years and we love each other, and we have amazing sex. We live in different cities, but quite close, a one hour drive. We met on a sex date, but he's always been putting on an act like he's a saint who did an exception for me, whereas I am generally more open about sex and gay life in general.
A few months into our relationship I caught him hiding a secret gay dating profile that he thought I wouldn't find out about… of course, he had an unbelievable excuse that I didn't buy for a second, but I let it slide because I didn't think he actually met anyone. When I confronted him about it, he claimed it was innocent, and he only had the profile active because he was sure I was cheating on him, so he needed somebody to talk to online, to give him advice :cheesy2:
About a year later he picked up an STD after a holiday with friends, but in all honesty, it could be something that either of us had been dragging on for years, before we had even met, so I let that slide too. (nothing too serious, we both had it taken care of)
But I've always had a sneaking suspicion he's a pathological liar and a cheater... He has the perfect opportunity to cheat because we don't live together, so he has enough free time that is "unaccounted" for.
In the beginning of the relationship, I would find condoms in the most bizarre places that made no sense, and that we never needed there. (his work bag, his gym bag, the car...). He claimed they had been there for years and he had never used them, he carried them "just in case". I rolled my eyes and let it slide.
I also noticed he keeps an eye on a few guys on social media, and I have a feeling he's making his presence known in case he ever gets a chance to meet them... both the same type physically, totally different from me.
The problem is that I can't talk to him about it because he would just get defensive and spin things like it was me who was cheating, and he's the victim who's putting up with it. And of course, if I am imagining things, I don't want to accuse him of something I have no proof of.
I am considering taking a look into his phone, as bad as I would feel about doing it.
I love the guy, he loves me, he is an amazing partner, I just have a gut feeling he's hiding something. Maybe I'm just being paranoid because things are too good to be true?
What do I do? -
the only way to know is to confront him upfront and confront him with your evidence..up for him to deny
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There may be a couple of things:
1. He's a "bad" guy, always cheating, always lying.
2. He's a good guy, he found someone (you), but he keeps searching ("maybe I would find someone better")
3. He needs to "explore" new guys (to verify his attractiveness/to get excited)
4. There's something he's missing in sex and he can't get it from you or he's too shy to ask/tell
5. Probably there are a lot of other options
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Just ask if he is seeing or blowing other people? Simple.
Take his answer any way you see fit. If he's lying, then you know where you stand. -
I was in a similar situation with my ex. From my personal experience, trust your gut feeling.
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It seems you are insecure at this moment. Maybe you need to talk to him telling him what you think (maybe this is not a good idea, but in a relationship, both of you should open to each other so as to prevent something bad happening. ). As do not know what kind of your BF is, maybe the talk will be a disaster, maybe it will enhance the connection. Although a happy and amazing sex life can keep a relationship going well but it cannot make sure nothing bad happen.
Cheating is not good but sometimes it is a way to tell you that your partner may need or want something that he cannot get from you. Sometimes, in a relationship, cheating just like a mirror to show you what your partner are or what you need to do in order to be better. If my BF cheat on me, I will forgive him once as it is hard to prevent such a bad thing happening especially for our people (plz do not judge me, but it is true that we gay people are easier to lose in the sex attraction). The only thing I want to do is to let him know I forgive him and will do my best to care our relationship. But I have to say, sometimes, it works, sometimes not. It depends on the people we are dating.
The only advice for you is that you need to figure out why you have such a feeling or what make you suspect your BF. BTW, living together may not be an excuse for the action of cheating. Sometimes, living together will accelerate the end of a relationship. Living together means all your life secrets may be exposed to each other. For people who need own space, it is not a good idea. Many people get separated after living together.
BTW, you both met in a sex date, whether it means your BF want an open relationship or just want to have one although you said he acted as a saint for you.
Love is a mystery. We cannot make sure when it will disappear especially in a relationship. If you treasure this relationship, just make sure both of you can be honest to each other. If there is always something hidden, the relationship will not be healthy and it may be end with a disaster.
Best wishes to you
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I've been through the same thing and I must say I vote for option "A) Yes he has been cheating on you for sure and you're too in love to see it."
Everybody must have been on this situation where you just look the positive side of a relationship and doesn't look the other way, even if you're sure something is there. Terrifying as it may be, you can choose to wait until something BIGGER shows up so you'll be sure, but in many cases that makes it worse when you discover the depth of the betrayal you've been into.
I say you should totally invade his "personal space", cause you're trust is already broken anyway, and check for yourself. Check his phone thoroughly and I'm sure you won't find just ONE lover, probably many many others.
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Thanks for the advice everyone… I still have the feeling that something is going on, and that I should trust my instinct.
We haven't had sex in a long time, he's always busy and away for work all day, often goes to birthday parties and such and "forgets his phone in the car".... The problem is that I can't directly ask him because he will immediately direct the attention to me and act defensive ("I think you are the one who's cheating"... "I've always been unsure of you.." etc)
I caught a glimpse of his phone password, and I need to catch a moment when he's in the shower or something to take a look. -
Thanks for the advice everyone… I still have the feeling that something is going on, and that I should trust my instinct.
We haven't had sex in a long time, he's always busy and away for work all day, often goes to birthday parties and such and "forgets his phone in the car".... The problem is that I can't directly ask him because he will immediately direct the attention to me and act defensive ("I think you are the one who's cheating"... "I've always been unsure of you.." etc)
I caught a glimpse of his phone password, and I need to catch a moment when he's in the shower or something to take a look.Just my 2 cents, but there's no way checking out his phone will end well. If you're right (and I think you probably are) then he'll turn the argument around on your action rather than his; and if you're wrong, well, then you're wrong and there's no upside to be found there.
You no longer trust him. With respect, I have absolutely no way to tell whether it's because he's untrustworthy or because you have trust issues. Either way, without some sort of "trustable" foundation, your relationship is not on solid ground.
Might be time to take a step back and re-evaluate things. At the very least, y'all appear to have different visions of what constitutes fidelity and relationship. Good luck!
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I'm sure might be late or not make any effect on you, but the real truth is that, is the "real world", you don't need "proof" or really be "right" to end up this relationship. You're trying to get to the "facts" to justify something that you are already 99% sure it's going on. If you guys had any kind of healthy relationship standards, would be ok to ask if something wrong was going on, that you weren't feeling him thrust worthy and that it's not working for you.
I know that when we love somebody things are harder to do and think of. But try to be more mature/racional about it and you'll see that you DON'T need to find proofs that he is cheating on you, you already think so, it's already a "solid" kind of truth in your mind, and his tactics that prevent you from "proofing" it are the same things that even if you found out EVERYTHING you don't know, he will still have his ways to make you forgive him or find yourself guilty of the whole situation.
I can only guess that you'll only realize too late that were in an abusive relationship all along and you'll wish you had done something sooner.
My condolences.
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leave him
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I agree with KakuBr's second post. You don't trust him, which is prerequisite for anything above the "cruising in an alley" relationship. His defensiveness and avoidance only shows that your suspicions are hitting pretty close to home. Don't bother looking for excuses to drop him - just do it.
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have you tried taking different approach - talking about opening your relationship - because you're far apart, young, want to experiment blah blah - whatever, just to see his reaction? if you position "extramarital activities" as something bad from a start, he will instinctively take a defensive stance. just communicate. maybe you both really need an open relationship. and if you really have irreconcilable differences on relationship fundamentals, then fuck it.
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Sounds a little bit sociopath. But you know him better than any of us do. No matter how many advices you get. If you're not sure there will be a risk. "Either… or either... ". Do it the way so you won't regret anything
I wish I could say it's all ok but when I hear stories like this I always feel like the worst option is the true one. -
Trust your gut. Too often we try to rationalize our gut feelings away… but your initial reaction is usually the correct one.
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I'd say talk to him about an open relationship.
Or leave him.
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When he's out, put his stuff outside and change the locks on the doors. Have a couple of good friends around when he returns. Tell us when you have given him the push.
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When he's out, put his stuff outside and change the locks on the doors. Have a couple of good friends around when he returns. Tell us when you have given him the push.
Best solution I can think of. LoL! >:D
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Just my 2 cents, but there's no way checking out his phone will end well.
I actually disagree. It won't save the relationship; that's over. I think we're all 99% sure the boyfriend's cheating or wants to. Either way, it obviously isn't a relationship in which both partners feel comfortable discussing important matters like this.
However, I have lived through this myself, I have watched close friends live through it, and I think there is one good thing that may likely come from checking the phone. If he knows the guy's cheating (and not just a lot of feelings and self-doubting), it can make it a lot easier to break up, get over him, and move on to a healthier relationship.
P.S. : I realise some time has passed. Any updates on the situation?
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My two cents…..
I normally go with trusting your instincts. Sometimes people are insecure though and their instincts may be their own insecurities, but you have a lot of valid signs that are giving you gut feelings, and I think you should start trusting them. As to how to address it….
Honesty is the best policy. That means being honest with yourself and honest with him. At the end of the day, when all the cards are on the table, you can at least know that you were being honest and acting in a trustworthy manner. Checking his phone is something I'd avoid. If it comes to the point where you feel you need to snoop into his phone, then the damage has already been done and there's no point in lowering yourself like that. I would suggest not even questioning his actions since you've already done that, just decide what it is you want to do, and then say that's what you're doing. If you want to just resort to being friends, say so. If you want to fully break up, just say so.
I broke up with my 2nd partner after four years. I loved the guy, but our relationship turned into one where we became more friends than boyfriends. He was living with me, but spending his weekends with other friends. I was financing things for him, and I just decided enough was enough. I sat him down and said that this wasn't the type of relationship I wanted. I wanted an intimate relationship. I told him that it would be up to him how to proceed. If he wanted to be boyfriends, we'd be boyfriends, but he'd have to stop acting like he's still single. If he didn't want to be boyfriends, then we would part amicably. I thought this through and told him to think about it for a week. I still loved the guy and decided laying stuff on him out of the blue and expecting an immediate answer wasn't something I would do. I wanted him to be able to consider what I said and then come back to me with an answer. He did and we broke up.
I'm in my third relationship right now. My first relationship lasted 24 years, and then the love of my life died suddenly. I always believed I could have done some things better, so in this relationship, having the advantage of age and experience, I've decided that I would always be fully honest. I never say or do anything unless it's something I'd be comfortable admitting. That's why I keep stressing honesty. Be honest with yourself and learn what it is you want. Be honest with him in telling him it's what you want.
Best wishes to you.
