19 years old and so confused - Need some advices
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Hi, I'm new in this forum, and I want to share with you something that is killing me this days.
I like men, but i don't want to.
I'm 19 and i had my first time couple weeks ago. Since then i feel confused, but now i believe that a first time generally sucks. I was virgin since then, not only because i didn't liked the idea to have sex with a guy, but also because i didn't felt so excited with girls and in my city, homossexuals are trated as garbage.
I never was an affeminate guy, i'm normal, and i had lots of straight friends, but no like them, i never was so intrested with fuck a girl and being an alpha male. I was quite indifferent about that, so i preferred to stay at home and just watch my gay porn.
But i like and don't like it. I felt guilty with myself, because i know my desire for guys is just sexual. In the other hand, I don't have a strong sexual desire for girls, but i still have. I decided to test myself, and i discovered that i could cum for a straight porn video, or an lesbian one. The difference is that with that kind of movie, i take longer to get horny, and with a gay one i went almost instantly.
So, as i said. I was virgin, and both things were just theory. When i travelled to another city alone i decided to find a guy at gindr. He was so nice, and not affeminated. I felt weird, i was just like him, discrete and i was kinda surprised when he said to me "the most part of gays aren't affeminated".
He took my virginity (if someone wants to know more, just tell). I felt so realized, and happy. I had a great time, but after the happiness vanished. I went back to my city, and unfortunately i kinda liked him. He already fucked a lot of guys, and our sex was just one more on the list for him (but he isn't any jerk, he is nice and tender too), but for me it was kinda unique.I still never had sex with a girl. And i'm so confused because i'm not sure if i'm bissexual or if i'm just a gay trying to have the excuse "i like girls too".
I'm not sure if my attraction for girls is legitimate, but i know that i don't imagine myself being an open gay. I would love to have a wife, and children. It's a dream for me, and i never liked the idea or felt any desire in stay in a relationship with a man.
I just wanna know. Living as a "Public" straight can be something that a guy that is bissexual or gay can deal with? It brings any major problems, or a guy just can have a wife and like another guys in a secret way.
I feel excited about girls, in a sexual way, but not as i feel about guys. I'm bissexual? And its difficult to be an open bissexual? I don't have any idea.At least, can i live a life being discrete, "straight" for others and gay just in bed, or a guy in the same situation can't hold this image for much longer?
I need advices, and i liked to hear some stories too.
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Three simple points around which I will offer advice:
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Don't panic
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Give yourself time
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Do what makes you happy
Don't freak out. When I first realised I was gay, I minimised it as much as I could. I explained to myself that I wasn't attracted to abs, I just found them interesting because I wanted to have them myself. Eventually I admitted I was bicurious, bisexual and so on until I conceded I was gay (not to suggest people can't be bicurious or bisexual). Give yourself time to figure yourself out. You're very young and you have time to think about how you find yourself attracted to people. Don't rush yourself into commitments or decisions you're not sure about. Do what makes you happy, i.e. don't try to change yourself because society tells you to; be attracted to the people you're attracted to and don't force yourself to try and be something you're not - it will not end well.
The gay community is extremely diverse and just because you like men doesn't mean anything else about your character. It doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're feminine. It doesn't mean anything else about how you should live your life (although learning about safe sex is important at your age; get reading).
You can lead a life being in the closet and discrete, but usually it means you can't talk about your romances or sexual experiences with many others. You can get friends from Grindr too, and they might be able to help you out with that part. When I came out, I was nervous, so I came out to my closest friends, then my wider friends, then my parents. I did this so I always had something to fall back on and I knew before I took the next step the people I trusted were okay with me.
You'll be okay, and you'll look back on this as if it weren't a big deal. Hopefully soon it never will be a big deal for anyone.
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I pretty much agree with everything that Ozboi said. ur young and have PLENTY of time to find urself. I came out when I was 19, but I had always known I liked men and decided I wasn't going to bow down to what society deemed "normal". it's been the BEST decision I've ever had. I'm not in ur town, so I cant say that people will treat u well; in my town, people are pretty awesome. but I WILL say, is that once u go out on ur own, and u have ur own place, assuming that u move out of the town ur in, u'll find people who are ADULTS will respect u and wont be assholes. u sound pretty dope, so keep being awesome! :hug:
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Hey, welcome to the site
I think its normal to be confused at this stage in the process. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're actually further ahead of some people in that you've already had a sexual experience and liked it.
I think your first step has to be figuring yourself out. Don't worry about what anyone else wants you to be… don't worry about what society expects... just figure out what YOU want/need. This may be a soul searching experience... but I think a lot of gay guys try to convince themselves they are something else because they know that is what "normal" society want/expects. Trying to be someone else is not going to work out well... so I think it's better to figure out who you really are... at your own pace. (There is no need to hurry.)
After you figure it out for yourself, and accept you for you, then you can figure out who else you want to reveal yourself to. Unfortunately, not everywhere in the world publicly accepts gays as openly as we would like, so there is a separate problem from accepting your own sexuality and coming out to others in a "public" fashion.
There is another post on a similar topic you might enjoy reading: https://forum.gaytorrent.ru/index.php?topic=26072.0
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My dad used to say: "Some like going to the church and some like bread and jam - just accept both" - There is no "best way", nor is there any "right way" for tastes or for sexual feelings.
The very first time is always special - even the worst first time will be in your mind years later… but this happens as well for the first kiss, like it is very special, when you drive with your first bike, without support wheels. You will experience an enormous amount of "very special first time events" in your life... bad ... and hopefully much, much more good ones. Please enjoy them all, because each event will direct your life. If you had a bad time, using the black door, you will mostly choose a red door the next time and if you enjoyed using a red door, you will mostly enjoy to choose another red door next time as well, if you have a choice. It's YOUR life... choose as many doors as possible to make it interesting for YOU and to learn as much as possible.
NickGWN stated already, that not all people will accept your choices in your life, but I don't think, that you should care too much about their thoughts. They will have made choices that you didn't like as well. Even in a small town /village, you will find people, who accept your choices and you should respect their choices. You are not boring, when you stay in the middle and this doesn't make you less interesting for others as well. The average person is neither extrovert nor introvert... he/she is on a middle way. You don't have to hold a sign with GAY on it and you certainly don't have to tell everybody, what your sexual interests are and you definitely have to tell people, what you don't like, if you don't wish to. Trust your own feelings and don't try to question yourself too much... too much speculating will create wrinkles and to much wrinkles will make you look old - which is only o.k. when you are over 60 years old.
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Hello.
Don't be ashamed if you like men.
TBH most peoples first times start with them being virgins. People who are different are generally treated like garbage. Please don't let the ignorance of others scare you or get into your mental space.
I understand your confused, but assuming that gay=effeminate is incorrect. Also to equate femininity as being not normal is not ok either. To be normal means that you are alive. That's it, because normalcy is a vague term. I will agree with what the others say, that you should really just discover yourself. It sounds that you are using societal views and stereotypes to define what your feeling. That will only make it harder, because in the end only you know who you truly are and what you want. Do not use grindr…not when your not sure about yourself. yes you might meet friends, but that site is first and foremost for hooking up, dating and friendships...in that order. Try finding lgbt friendly places, groups or events. Like PFLAG, Straight and Gay Alliences, etc. Be discreet if your not sure, by that i mean events outside of your town, if possible, or google(for lack of better input) and connect with a forum. There is so much information out there in health clinics and online, just take it at your own pace.
Guilt is common, people feel guilty when there is nothing to be guilty about. We've all been lied to that being gay is immoral. it's understandable to feel guilty when that has been repeated to us since childhood. Never feel guilty for who you are or what you like(except murder and such). Make the effort not to make it so sexual. Attraction is not all sexual...you mak like the way a guy smiles, how he smells. Try not to look at how you feel about whatever gender you feel attracted to solely through sex. its adding to the confusion. it's important to feel your way through what you're feeling, but test it on different levels, not just sexual. News flash, anybody can cum to any porn. Your hand and imagination is providing the stimulus, that the porn isn't providing, but it sounds like you have an idea anyway.
That guy is still a jerk...there are nice jerks. it sucks you lost it to someone, who didn't realize that you are more than a one night stand. it wasn't wrong or a mistake, it was a learning experience. This is why grindr is not the best thing.
I still never had sex with a girl. And i'm so confused because i'm not sure if i'm bissexual or if i'm just a gay trying to have the excuse "i like girls too".--Take time to really ask yourself what is it that you want.-
I'm not sure if my attraction for girls is legitimate, but i know that i don't imagine myself being an open gay. I would love to have a wife, and children. It's a dream for me, and i never liked the idea or felt any desire in stay in a relationship with a man.----I used to have this thought, because society both straight and gay, doesn't really show the lgbt community as capable of being in monogamous relationships. if they do its characterized for comedic effect, not always the case, please keeo that in mind. you can be gay and have children...honestly, it is a very real reality.
please do not think like that...please do not. As some of these guys have suggested and i will repeat. Discover yourself. We can't tell you what you should be, but you can't look and men or women through a heteronormative lense. Meaning looking at this siotuation soley on sexual attraction, of who is the man and who is the woman. But i'm not qualified to give advice, that will lend to a great discovery.
One thing i can say, never hide yourself. you can live only for yourself. we can't tell you how to live. If you still need to be discreet do it for yourself, but, it's so much better and easier living proudly. I understand if you're worried about what your family might think or do...find a way to know who you are until you're ready.
Here, one link, i hope they help. Much love
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/comingoutadvice/a/ConfusedTeen.htm -
Hello.
Don't be ashamed if you like men.
TBH most peoples first times start with them being virgins. People who are different are generally treated like garbage. Please don't let the ignorance of others scare you or get into your mental space.
I understand your confused, but assuming that gay=effeminate is incorrect. Also to equate femininity as being not normal is not ok either. To be normal means that you are alive. That's it, because normalcy is a vague term. I will agree with what the others say, that you should really just discover yourself. It sounds that you are using societal views and stereotypes to define what your feeling. That will only make it harder, because in the end only you know who you truly are and what you want. Do not use grindr…not when your not sure about yourself. yes you might meet friends, but that site is first and foremost for hooking up, dating and friendships...in that order. Try finding lgbt friendly places, groups or events. Like PFLAG, Straight and Gay Alliences, etc. Be discreet if your not sure, by that i mean events outside of your town, if possible, or google(for lack of better input) and connect with a forum. There is so much information out there in health clinics and online, just take it at your own pace.
Guilt is common, people feel guilty when there is nothing to be guilty about. We've all been lied to that being gay is immoral. it's understandable to feel guilty when that has been repeated to us since childhood. Never feel guilty for who you are or what you like(except murder and such). Make the effort not to make it so sexual. Attraction is not all sexual...you mak like the way a guy smiles, how he smells. Try not to look at how you feel about whatever gender you feel attracted to solely through sex. its adding to the confusion. it's important to feel your way through what you're feeling, but test it on different levels, not just sexual. News flash, anybody can cum to any porn. Your hand and imagination is providing the stimulus, that the porn isn't providing, but it sounds like you have an idea anyway.
That guy is still a jerk...there are nice jerks. it sucks you lost it to someone, who didn't realize that you are more than a one night stand. it wasn't wrong or a mistake, it was a learning experience. This is why grindr is not the best thing.
I still never had sex with a girl. And i'm so confused because i'm not sure if i'm bissexual or if i'm just a gay trying to have the excuse "i like girls too".--Take time to really ask yourself what is it that you want.-
I'm not sure if my attraction for girls is legitimate, but i know that i don't imagine myself being an open gay. I would love to have a wife, and children. It's a dream for me, and i never liked the idea or felt any desire in stay in a relationship with a man.----I used to have this thought, because society both straight and gay, doesn't really show the lgbt community as capable of being in monogamous relationships. if they do its characterized for comedic effect, not always the case, please keeo that in mind. you can be gay and have children...honestly, it is a very real reality.
please do not think like that...please do not. As some of these guys have suggested and i will repeat. Discover yourself. We can't tell you what you should be, but you can't look and men or women through a heteronormative lense. Meaning looking at this siotuation soley on sexual attraction, of who is the man and who is the woman. But i'm not qualified to give advice, that will lend to a great discovery.
One thing i can say, never hide yourself. you can live only for yourself. we can't tell you how to live. If you still need to be discreet do it for yourself, but, it's so much better and easier living proudly. I understand if you're worried about what your family might think or do...find a way to know who you are until you're ready.
Here, one link, i hope they help. Much love
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/comingoutadvice/a/ConfusedTeen.htmwhat Roro said. great advice!
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It is possible that you are confused in a certain degree.
Try to recollect that first sexual encounter you had and give it some very deep thinking about it.
Did you enjoyed? Do you want to happen again?
Do you want to make love with a woman? Does that idea fascinates you even a bit?
What arouses you the most? A topless hunk or a topless woman?
And do not feel ashamed for being gay. From what i can tell, you live in the USA. Do you know how lucky you are?
I do not know what your parents are thinking about the gays but if you have, even a small, suspision that they might give you a bad time then hide it from them.
There are some territories that even our parents are not allowed to touch if they cannot understand. It's not something harmful. You should only take the proper protections (meaning condoms) when you are going to make love until you will meet that guy who you trust completely. -
like it was stated previously, if ur confused, maybe grindr isn't the best place for u to explore. in that sense I mean that, im not sure how far the next town is, but there is usually an LGBT club, or Gay/Straight Alliance group that usually are big helps, if only to expose urself to other people who may be in the same boat as u.
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I just noticed that the author of the first post is not from USA! I apologize!
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whoops
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I forget sometimes that this site has a lot of people where English isn't their native language lol
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I would like to point out, that "online dating sites" should only be considered, if you are more experienced. There are hundreds… well thousands and more, who lie nearly about everything on these sites and what I find the worst thing is, that more than 50 percent always try to be a psychologist... oh and apart from that, you can get pretty much addicted, just like with facebook and twitter and don't even recognize it, because it gets more and more common to spend more time online, than with friends and family. :afr2:
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it's a technological age for sure.
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Sorry Dilflover1, but there is far more than only technik in life. ^^ - That's a bit too naive ( this isn't meant to insult you!!! ) - but to discuss this, I would suggest to open another thread, so that the threadstarter and his thread topic should be respected.
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I wasn't trying to change the topic or whatever. I was just commenting on last post, but whatever
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Its not like one has to go and tell family and friends, all at once.
But there's always someone u trust will understand better (my case…). So after u star telling a few close friends, things start getting easier.
Real trick comes to telling your mom/dad. I never had any girlfriends or anything, so i think my mom was like.. suspicious.. and reacted better than i thought.
U dont necessarily have to come out, as long as youre not living a lie =/
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that's pretty much how it went down for me. told a few close friends and eventually my parents.
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my partner sometimes cums to straight porn. me, never. hahaha.
I never assumed that a guy who likes straight porn is straight, though i believe that only straight guys will be turned on by female homosexual (or lesbian) porn. As a matter of fact, guys sometimes get turned on by girls kissing.
Only gay or bisexual guys will be turned on by gay porn, i think. but that's just my opinion.
I think I mentioned in my other post that i think naked girls are icky - sexually anyway. but that's just me.
Acceptance is weird in our culture. most of the time, people can talk about gay actors/actresses, gay talk show hosts, gay hairdressers, gay dance or fitness instructors without batting an eyelash. But when you talk about other people, ordinary folk who are gay, sometimes they can't accept it (especially when too close to home.) I actually grew up in a household where making fun of gay people was originally okay. much more in school where i was in a boy's school (and daaaaaaaang that was difficult since the guys around me were gorgeous, to say the least).
Having said that, yes, my "first" time was weird, but at least the guy's still my friend. he pokes fun at me sometimes about my first time. i felt so guilty afterwards (must be my religious upbringing) but after awhile i came to terms with my orientation. and i was a late bloomer (i was 27).
