The only thing I have to say is that your mid-30s is definitely NOT considered old or even close to old in gay circles (in fact you're not even close to old for general society either). I believe that what you're having is a life crisis. You suddenly become more aware of what is happening around you, and any "bad" thing in your life becomes more prominent. It's definitely not a fun phase, but it will eventually go away. It's a normal thing that happens to most people when we reach certain points in our lives: first crisis comes a bit after graduating high-school and starting being an adult: you suddenly realize how big the world is and what a vast variety of options and possibilities exist for you to discover. The second crisis is your middle 20s, where you reach a point you suddenly stop your experimentation, and have that "what the hell am I doing" moment of realization. That phase is usually the one where we put down all different experiences and things we have done, and try to find which ones are the ones we should go with and which ones to discard and just keep them as memories. Last, once you reach your middle 30s, you stop again. And I'm still on my second life crisis, but I have a lot of people around me who have reached that third phase, some of them long time ago, and I have a feeling of what it may be like for you. It's that phase, the one you get that "shouldn't I have settled down already?" moment hit you. But the answer to this question is not always "yes". Just because you have been on this planet for three decades and a bit, it doesn't mean you should have already found "home". Keep searching. Keep experimenting. Keep looking into new stuff to try, and never be afraid of doing something new, even if doesn't feel completely right. Start seeing yourself in a different way, and that will make others see you in a different way too. "But when will love come?", you may ask. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years from now, maybe never. But that shouldn't make you feel sad! Cause, yes, loneliness might be scary, but solitude in the romantic area doesn't equal loneliness. You were not born to eternally try to find your "special other". You were born to live your life at it's fullest, create your own philosophy, gain as much experience as you can, meet as many people as you can, and maybe, MAYBE, one of those people will be the romantic partner you will share the rest of your life with. Once you make this clear to yourself and you accept it fully, only, and ONLY then you will be ready to get out of this crisis and continue your life-long journey 🙂
