I wouldn't be too hard on yourself - you obviously want to move on.
Real but not fatal abuse has an edge to it. It can be exciting and incredibly sexually charged. Seems like you've had a preference for receiving real abuse over 'managed' and 'consensual' abuse. The two are not really the same thing at all, the second is careful to remove the danger which the first thrives off.
Moving into consensual and recreational abuse is really a hall mark of maturity and you most probably will thrive in such a crowd. You'll find it mixes the D thing you like with an ability to nurture respectful and loving open relationships. You could well meet the partner you seek in such a milieu. Occasionally i've ventured into such a world by attending nite clubs and theme nites. It works well as like tend to seek like. Generally a well adjusted lot. With some I found the s/m routines a bit cliche, dressie and lacking the verve of real abusive relationships. But with others i saw, largely through a like minded sense of understanding, how there was a place I could go and negotiate some of my own rules safely. I did that for a while in Germany. it was quite addictive for a time - a new buzz - a lot of possibilities - but much more manageable than the quiet violent intimacy and personal devastation i experienced through passionately abusive affairs with head cases.