Hey guys. Recently I learned that I can get really turned on by extreme kinky porn, like scat. I kept this as a secret to myself for a while and I was ok masturbating to this porn and living more "vanilla" in real life. I dated some guys and I know this is not something I really need to do to be satisfied in a relationship, maybe its just a fantasy to watch on videos (I only kinda tried it once with a grindr date and it was ok but maybe a little much to me Idk).
The thing is: my last relationship was really abusive to me. My boyfriend slutshamed me all the time for the number of sexual encounters Ive had in the past and for being "too liberal" with my sexuality. He knew about my scat fetish but never said anything about that in specific, but after we broke up I started feeling very insecure about everything in my life, specially sexual stuff, and now I spend 24 hours a day feeling guilty for having this fetish, I hate myself after I watch this kind of porn, and I keep imagining that I'm dirty, I'm sick, that I'll never be able to have a relationship again because I don't deserve anyone who's "normal".
This is always a topic on therapy but Id love to hear something from you guys. Any thoughts on the matter? Have you ever experienced something like that? Would you date someone with this fetish? ???