Posts made by nhalizegt

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"
He replies, "It's not for sale."
The woman says, "Please I want that one," again he says it's not for sale.
The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it." and the salesman says, "Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, "How's business today?"
The salesman replied, "It's pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos."

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one day.
"You know what? Junior's 21. It's time we taught him about sex. Junior, get out here!". Junior runs out. 'Junior, I think it's time to teach you about sex."
"Sex," says Junior. "What's sex?"
"Well," Pa says. "Take off your clothes, Ma."
So Ma takes off her clothes. "You see that hole in Ma? Watch this."
Pa starts doing it right there on the porch. A little while goes by and Junior's younger brother, Bubba comes out on the porch and asks what's going on.
"Ma and Pa are teaching me about sex."
"Sex? What's sex?"
"See that hole in Pa? Watch this!"

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture – soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

A Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye are night fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio River.

As soon as the redneck puts his line in the water, he slings a fish onto the bank. The buckeye isn't catching anything, so he yells across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"

"Alright, tell ya what – I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yells back.

The buckeye replies, "Ain't no way, buddy. You must think I'm a fool. I know when I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his penis. Immediately, he went to the doctor.
"I have some good news and some bad news," said the doctor. "The good news is the red ring is lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

There were three guys in a car. One driving, the other in the passenger seat and one resting in the back. The guy in the back became sleepy and fell asleep. A few minutes later, he is startled by a "THUMP THUMP."
"What the hell was that?" he shouted.
The driver says, "It was just a redneck."
"I felt two thumps, though," says the passenger.
"Yeah we had to go through the fence to hit him."

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"
Red said, "To grandma's."
Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."
Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."
The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"
She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"
And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off."
"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.
"No, you ain't," said Little Red.
"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.
Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

A redneck family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"

The son says, "Pi R squared."

The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."

Q: What do Rednecks call four empty Cool Whip containers on a table?
A: Salad bowls

this is just mean …lol

Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time. St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and recited a beautiful poem and was let in the gates.
The redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''
The Redeck paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' said the redneck, ''here it goes. . . Me and Tim a huntin' went, Met three maidens in a tent, They was three and we was two, So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.''

A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, "Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby."
The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, "Son you're ugly but daddy loves ya."

Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1…2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked down at their dog who was licking his dick.
One of the the guys looked at the other and said, ''I wish that I could do that.''
The other one then said, 'Don't be stupid, man - that dog would bite you!''

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed.
Little Red Riding Hood said, ''Grandma, what big eyes you have!''
Grandma: ''The better to see you with, my dear.''
Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what big ears you have!''
Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear.''
Little Red Riding Hood: ''Grandma, what a big mouth you have!''
Grandma: ''Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's d**k?!?''

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."