Posts made by nhalizegt

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand! Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke! Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?" Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A: "Please, no stories!" Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey? A. So the Irish would never rule the world! Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit! Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: "A beer please, and one for the road." Q: You know what's fun about being sober? A: Nothing. Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila? A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex! Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? A: Tequila Mockingbird Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game! Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle? A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table! Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light? A: He's the one dancing like an asshole! Q: How do you know a man is really really gay? A: When he's nursing a Bacardi Breezer! Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels? A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels. Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one. Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking? A: He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay! Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light! Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat? A: They are both SO close to water! Q: What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone? A: Al-cohol you Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common? A: Their both empty from the neck up! Q: Why are Men like coolers? A: Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere! Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common? A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense! Q: Where do monkeys go to drink? A: The monkey bars! Q: Why don’t Democrats drink? A: It interferes with their suffering! Q: What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka? A: a "Pabst Smir!" Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: How do you know when you really pissed off your Bartender? A: She leaves the string in the Bloody Mary! Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey? A: Because it makes him mean! Q: What does an alcoholic ghost drink? A: BOO'S Q: What do you call a man with a shot of whiskey on his head? A: A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance. A bee goes into a bar, It comes out 2 hours later buzzing Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer." Mayan: Hey wanna drink? Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world. Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough. Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves. Life and beer are very similar …..chill for best results. I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic? I don't recycle because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man. I'm not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties. Alcohol doesn't make you fat... it makes you Lean...... on tables, chairs & random people. My body is not a temple.....it’s a distillery with legs. No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk? You say alcoholic, I'll say alcohol enthusiast Take me drunk I’m home. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it. When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt! Dont drink and drive, it will spill everywhere It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it? Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question. A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink. My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror. "Relationship" has 12 letters but then again so does "Time For Shots" Confucious says, "Man who drink beer all day, have Wet Dreams all night". What doesn't kill me, makes my drinks stronger Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties. Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don't want to lower the bar. Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution. I don't have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems. Two midgets walk into a mini-bar. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol. You lost me at "non-alcoholic" I'm a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover. Money can't buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy alcohol. I'm in a commited relationship with Jim Beam. I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before. An alcoholic hits his woman, a stoner hits it with his woman. I’m not alcoholic, I only drink twice a year. When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic?" A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs, The guy ask "Do they swell?" The girl replies "No they spread"

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner – I had to do all the work."

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise. They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control. Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside. The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice. Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you. So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, For a piece of that ASS!

A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho. After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers: When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her. When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and screw her in the car. Tonight, my parents will fuck. Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will do the mailman, AND THAT THE SON Of A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG !!!!!

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish bowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on.
After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen.
''Oh, those folks ain't crazy,'' the farmer said, ''They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go f**k herself because he was going fishing.''

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred. The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.
"This is your secret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the third. They both take a little bit o' dip.
"Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like st!"
"It is st. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.
"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course, he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in the third hole.
"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.
"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five gallons."

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.

– Duct tape won't fix that.

-- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

-- We don't keep firearms in the house.

-- You can't feed that to the dog.

-- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe.

-- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

-- We're vegetarians.

-- Do you think my gut is too big?

-- Honey, we don't need another dog.

-- Who's Richard Petty?

-- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds

.-- Too many deer heads detract from the decor

.-- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today

.-- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?

-- The tires on that truck are too big.

-- I've got it all on the C drive.

-- There's too much sugar in this tea.

-- Checkmate.

-- I believe you cooked those greens too long

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination – Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work.

They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.

At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.

At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters' legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, "This means there are so many f**king ducks on that pond, he can't even count them."

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

A woman goes to an accountant to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I need to ask a few questions. What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant says, "No, no, no. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman replies, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 c**ks last year."

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.

The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"

"Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"

The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"

The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."

The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."

The rancher's eyes pop wide open.

The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?"

"Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."

The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"

The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."

"Well then, what's the harm?"

"Go right ahead," says the rancher.

The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."

The rancher's jaw drops.

The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?"

"Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."

The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"

The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen – them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o''-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful – slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
''''Right, you Jimmy,'''' he shouts, ''''Ah want you to masturbate!''''
''''But......'''' stammers the driver.
''''Du it now - or I''ll bluddy kill yu!''''
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn''t take him long.
''''Right!'''' snarls the Highlander ''''Du it agin, now!''''
So the driver does it again. ''''Right laddie, du it agin!'''' demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
''''Du it again!'''' says the Highlander.
''''I can''t do it any more - you''ll just have to kill me!'''' whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?''''