Posts made by hunkyboy

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "…What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

A Blonde guy goes into a bar.  He sees a friend who invites him over for a drink.  They're chatting away, and the 6 PM news  comes on the bar TV set.  A man is about to jump off a tall building; the police are trying to talk him down, the air is tense …..  The friend says to the Blonde - "I bet you $20 he jumps."  The Blonde says "I don't think he will."  Just then, the man jumps.  The Blonde says "well, I guess I owe you $20."  The friend starts to laugh and says I can't take your money, I saw this on the 5 PM news.  The Blonde says " Oh, I did too.  I just didn't think he'd do it again."

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

your situation is pretty delicate i think he is pretty important for you and you wish to stay friends if it were me i would personally talk to him about my feeling i think being straightforward is pretty much the best answer cause if you dont talk to him sometimes there will be misunderstanding and maybe there is a reason for the way he treated you once you talk to him you can make the best decision. hope its helpful. :blownose:

A Gay man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful prince".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful prince, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful prince, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"
The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor.
She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is this wonderful girl's name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."
"And you know… I haven't had a cold all winter."

There once was a Gay Man who was tired of living alone. So he put an ad in the paper which outlined his requirements.
He wanted a man who would treat him nicely, wouldn't run away from him, and would be good in bed.
Then, one day, he heard the doorbell ring. He answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?! Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck.

Tech Support Matt Smith

Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, having a beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.”
Bob thinks that’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:  Math,  English,  History, and  Logic.
“Logic”, Jim says, “What’s that?”
The Dean says “I’ll give you an example.  Do you own a weed-eater?”
“Yeah”, says Jim.
Dean says “Then, logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think you would have a yard.”
Jim says, “That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done”, says the Dean.  “Because you have a yard, I think, logically, you would have a house.”
Jim says, “Yes, I do have a house.”
The Dean says, “And because you have a house, I think, logically, you  might have a family.”
“Yes”, Jim says.  “I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet”, the Dean says.  “Because you have a family, then, logically, you must have a wife, so logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
Jim says “I am a heterosexual.  That’s amazing  -  you were able to  find out all of that because I have a weed-eater!”
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves  to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about the classes he signed up for:  Math,  English, History,  and  Logic.
“Logic”, says Bob.  “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll give you an example.  Do you have a weed-eater?”
Bob says “No.”
Jim says, “Then you’re a queer.”

The new hooker just finished his first trick. When he came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
He said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".
"Well, what did he want to do?"they all asked.
He said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".
"So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".
"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand…"
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
With a big smile on his face, he said.
"I loaned him $75!"

A retired gentleman went into the local social security office to apply for aid.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was sorry but he seems to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" He asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair is proof enough for me." and processes his application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience.
She says, " You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability too!"

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did!
Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting his relationship with his boyfriend so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his boyfriend. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his boyfriend in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole…when I fired the pistol my boyfriend shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Two boys are on summer vacation and they get bored and go for a long walk.  They tire out and sit on the curb across the street from a swanky apartment building.  After a short time they notice fairly well dressed men approach the building, open their wallets and pull out $100 bills.  After about 15 minutes or so, the same men exit the building.  The one boy says to the other "We gotta find out what's going on over there."  So they enter the building and ask the madam what's up. She asks them if they have any money.  The boys have 35 cents between them.  "I think I can help you," she says "come upstairs."  The enter a room, there's a hooker on the bed, naked and the madam says to her "spread 'em."  The takes one boy by the hair, puts his face in her snatch for a couple seconds, removes it and does the same for the other boy.  "well," she says, "that about does it for 35 cents."  The boys exit the building, sit back on the curb for a long time without speaking.  Finally one boy says "I don't know about you, but I think $100 worth of that would've killed me!"

This guy goes in to see the doctor and (speak in a high falsetto voice) he says "doctor, I'm 28 years old, my voice never got lower at puberty, can you help me?"  The doctor examines the patient thoroughly and asks him to drop his drawers.  The patient's cock flops down below his knees!  "I see what the problem is," says the doctor, "your dick is so big, it's taking all the male hormones and there are none left to lower your voice.  We'll need to take about 4 inches off."  (again, speak in high voice for the patient) "Are you sure doctor?"  "Oh yes, " the doctor said,  "my colleague had a very similar case about 5 years ago."  So the patient agrees to the surgery.  Several days later, he awakes from the anesthesia in his hospital bed, the doctor comes in.  The patient (speak in as deep a voice as you can muster) says "well, doc, everything seems to be working okay, I really like my deep voice, but, you know, I was thinking I might have made a mistake.  Can I get that 4 inches added back?"  Doctor says (speak in high falsetto voice)  "I don't think so!"

(in case you don't get this:  the doctor added the four inches to himself)