Posts made by hunkyboy

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?".
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity marguerita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turns to him and prouldly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1," Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis.
He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises ?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third  day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. 
After dusting  themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period  of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I  don't think it likely that we can  survive more  than  a day or two.' 
'I agree,' says the Priest. 'Sister, since we are  unlikely to make  it out of  here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a  woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 
'Well, under the  circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun  opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed  the sight of her shapely  breasts, commenting  frequently on their beauty. 
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She  consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I  have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give  life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it  is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful…Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Dress Code:
      -You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

-If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
      assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
      raise.

-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
      so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
      raise.

-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
      therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
      We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
      If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
      Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
      Saturdays and Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
      This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
      dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
      to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases
      where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
      scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
      work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
      Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
      strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the
      three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
      retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
      After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
      company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
      Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
      company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
      -Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
      so that they can look healthy.
      -Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
      to maintain their average figure.
      -Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
      needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
      positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
      concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
      insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
      consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
      Pass this on to all who are employed.

A gay man arrives in heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.
"Follow me."
he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious.
"If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."
After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so God damn cold down here?"
Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied

The Garden of Eden, day ten or so.

God: Adam, there's something we need to talk about.
Adam: Sure, what's up?
God: It's about sex.
Adam: Oh sex! I meant to thank you for that. Great invention. Use it all the time. In your top five, for sure.
God: I'm actually not talking about sex with Eve - I'm talking about sex with someone like yourself.
Adam: Ah, that? Sorry, sometimes I'm alone, or Eve's not in themood, and I have to make do. In fact, since you removed that rib, I canalmost reach it with my mo-
God: No! No, I'm not talking about that. I meant about sex with another one of my creations, who I also made as a male.
Adam: Who? The snake? The angel with the flaming sword? Because youalready told me the animals were a no fly zone, and I'm not even surethe winged dude is into that kind of thing.
God: Look, one day, you and Eve will procreate, creatingnations of both women and men. It may come to pass that a man, like yourself, may lie with another man, and I just wanted to let you know that-
Adam: Oh! Got it. No sex with kin or blood relations. Straightforward enough.
God: No- I mean, yes, that too, but-
Adam: Wait, let me get this straight - you want to tell me how you would feel if I had sex with another male, a human like me, with the dangly bits, but not directly related to or descended from Eve and me.
God: Correct.
Adam: Where would this person come from?
God: …
God: You know what? Never mind. Figure it out for yourself. See how well that goes.
God disappears in cloud of smoke.
Adam: It was an honest question.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven… which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life; that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks,
'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replied,
'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes…
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...
'F ***king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

One for the men…………………
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS…................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!  Cheesy

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"…....Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its
parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for busses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing
a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo
Management called the City Council and asked it
to send them another parking agent.
The Council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then
had simply begun to show up every day, commencing
to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
$560 per day – for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over
$7 million dollars!

.....

And no one even knows his name.

In school canteen,
there was a basket of apples with a written note:
"don't take more than 1, God is watching!"
A little further there was a box of choclates,
a naughty child wrote:
"Take as many as you want… God is watching the apples"

8 year son: Dad what's sex?
Dad gets tensed but explained everything.
Kid: But dad, how do I write all that in this small box on my admission form ?

A depressed boy asked an old man:
Is there anything worst than losing a girlfriend?
He replied: Yes, Losing your confidence of getting another one.

Virginity is
Neither a Dignity,
Nor a Security,
Nor Even a Sign of Purity,
Its just a...
Lack of 0pportunity…"

Woman in bed with husband's best friend.
Phone rings,
Woman: Yes?.. Ok,.. fine,.. bye.
Turns to her Lover and laughs;
My husband, saying he is playing golf with you.

A criminal entered a bed room,
tied up husband & wife,
kissed wife's ear & went to bathroom.
Husband told wife, "satisfy him or he will kill us. Be strong. I LOVE U"
Wife said "He didnt kiss me,
He whispered in my ear that he's GAY & needs vaseline
I told him its in the bathroom.
So be strong. I LOVE U

A 5 year old boy,
while taking bath
and examining his testicles
Asks: 'Mum, are these my brains?'
'Not yet', she replied.

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation . By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time…nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell – but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."