Posts made by forgetjack

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1…2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it really has to want to change.

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Q: How do you know you can't trust doctors and lawyers?

A: Because they both "practice" their professions.

Is there anyone here a book reader?

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.
"Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer.
"I agree," says the other.
"But out of what?"

Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House?
A: President Bill Clinton's code name was "Mr. Bush."

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh – just pay it."

Two men both drag their right feet as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

A-sian

Season 5 Hotel is coming back, hope it will focused more on horror this season….

I'm so angry that Eva Green didn't get nominated for EMMY!!! I hope she'll nominated this year.

I know the battle between the wildlings and stannis army, and one of them are The Sons of The Harpy episode, I don't know that consider big battle scene or not, but it seems quite big to me though….

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?

Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?

A: When his wife's out of town.

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy asks, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."

A lady asks, "What's that?"

He says, "Double Income, No Kids."

The lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry asks, "A WIFE?"

Gertrude says, "Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."