Posts made by forgetjack

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech.
Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was: "There should not be last coach in any train."

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!"
The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.
The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.
The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"
The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.
"Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them… HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own balls!"

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."

Q: Why did God create economists?
A: To make weathermen look good.

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go… She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'

What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: It soots him.

Q: Why can't DJs play pool?
A: They always scratch.

I don't like Audio book and e-book too….

A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the doctor gave him a nicotine patch, which he promptly put on his penis. A couple of weeks, he came back to the doctor's.
"How's it going?" the doctor asked him.
"Great," he replied. "I haven't had a butt in weeks."

Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a brain surgeon!

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…"
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them."
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
"Are my test results back?"

Q: What's the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?
A: The taste.

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off."
The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that –" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge?"