Posts made by ChicanoDag

@dzirlo:

honey, they're not str8 

When I first wrote the title for this post, I considered putting the word "straight" into quotation marks.  But it didn't feel right.  The three individuals that I initially wrote about all identified themselves as straight.  And I just don't feel as if it's my privilege to deny anyone that right.  The right to identify themselves the way they choose.

This is probably a reflection of my own beliefs concerning sexual orientation.

When I was 17, I saw the world in black in white.  There was straight.  And there was gay.  There was nothing else at all.  And you HAD to belong to one or the other.  Does anyone remember the old racist belief (I hope it's old and outdated) that if you have even one drop of black blood within you than you were not white, you were black.  You were black or you were white.  There was nothing else.  No such thing as multiracial.  One drop of blood, and you were inferior.  At 17, I believed the same thing about sexual orientation.  One incident of sexual attraction toward the same gender made you gay.  Didn't matter how transitory.  There was only gay or straight.  You had to be one or the other.

Reflecting on my own experiences.  Seeing the experiences of those around me.  Listening to them.  Using my own brain to try to understand…  I do not have a college degree.  I am not a scientist.  My conclusions are not based on anything scientific.  Just experiences and my brain.

We are now beginning to understand that gender and gender identity is more complex than just cock or cunt.  I also believe that sexual orientation is much more complex than just gay or straight (even with the inclusion of bisexuality).  I believe that sexual orientation is fluid.  That it can naturally change throughout a person's life.  I also believe that an individual can be attracted primarily to one gender but fall in love with a particular person of a different gender.

I don't know what's in your mind.  I don't know what's in anyone's mind.  I can only make guesses.  To say that I know anyone better than they know themselves strikes me as arrogant.  All I can do is make guesses.

But ultimately when it comes down to it, I DON'T FUCKING CARE.  Gay.  Straight.  Bi.  Cis. Tran.  Metro.  Pansexual.  I just don't care.  Be the person you want to be.  Love the people you want to love.  Do what makes you happy.  Just try not to hurt anyone while you're at it, yeah?  Try not to cause destruction while you live your life.

I did not think of any intention or goal when I started this post.  It was probably more of a rant.  Born of my pain and frustration.  Being treated with such gentleness and affection, and than being pushed away.  Having that affection denied.  It is a story that plays again and again in my life and I don't know why.  And I would like it to stop.

The three men I initially described.  I don't hate them.  Call me a fool, but I honestly believe that they are good men.  Who here hasn't looked within themselves.  And struggled to understand who they were.  Compared themselves to what society, family, friends expect.  I cannot tell anyone who they are.  I can listen.  Answer questions.  Give examples from my own life.

I honestly and sincerely do not care about gender identity or sexual orientation.  I would like for everyone to be happy.  And I would like to be happy too.

@JerodParker:

Just following up but I hope this gets an update, if anything ever happens.

After the night my neighbor whispered in my ear, I have not seen him at all.  Not entering his house.  Not exiting his house.  Not in his yard.  This isn't necessarily unusual.  We do have different schedules.

My wife has seen his wife.  Sometimes we get their mail and my wife takes it over.  Sometimes they borrow things from each other.  Everything is very normal.

His wife is a nice woman from what I've seen.  When we talk, we are friendly towards each other.  She has asked for my recipe for pull pork.  I have asked her for advice about gardening.  But I would say there is a wall between us.  Maybe a coldness.  They have kids.  It wouldn't be the first time that someone thought that I was a threat to their children.  Or maybe I am just a bad influence on her husband.  And she would be absolutely justified in that.

In my early twenties I had a good friend named John.  He liked the same music I liked.  Actually we shared a lot of the same interests.  John had a boyfriend named Steve.  And Steve was… a more "traditional" type of gay guy.  There was never anything sexual between me and John.  He liked young, skinny, hairless, white guys.  Definitely not me.  At that time, I was into older, hairy, daddy types.  Definitely not John.  And as far as I know, Steve never believed that there was anything sexual between me and John.  No problem there.

But Steve was never too pleased whenever I showed up.  John told me so, but I didn't need him to tell me.  When John and I got together, we drank more, danced harder, fought more often.  We were bad influences on each other.  Goddamn, I loved spending time with John.  Drinking.  Playing darts, street hockey.  Going to gigs, dancing in the pit.  All the things Steve hated.

Steve never stopped John from seeing me.  It would have been stupid for him to do so.  I think that it would have made John very angry.  And going out with me, allowed John to do some of the things he loved with a guy who had no sexual interest in him.  But I know that Steve felt dread whenever John and I were together.

And at the time, I didn't care.  I hadn't met my wife yet.  Had never been in a serious relationship.  I couldn't understand what Steve was going through.

I think that I am often a bad influence.

When my neighbor first started coming over, I shared my beer with him.  I knew he liked beer.  One day when he came over, I had no beer.  I offered him whiskey.  Since that day, we drink whiskey when he comes over.  Now, I'm an experienced drunk.  Been drinking since my early teens.  I know how much I need to get me where I want to be.  My neighbor doesn't know his.  When I fill the shot glasses, I fill his 1/3 less than mine.  When he goes to the bathroom, I take an extra shot.  And yet he still gets stumble down drunk.  And I walk him home.

I can understand if his wife doesn't particularly like me.  I think that I am a bad influence on him.  And I can understand if his wife doesn't want him to come over.  If his wife doesn't want me to come over.  And I don't want to interfere with my neighbor's relationship with his wife.

My wife and I are having a Christmas party the week before Christmas Day.  Of course, my neighbor and his wife will be invited.

I'm the only one in my family who is openly queer.  My older brother is transgendered. (He's the eldest.  I'm the youngest.)  But as far as I know, he hasn't told anyone else.  Like others here, I have my suspicions about other family members, but nothing concrete.

I rarely ever walk up to someone and say, "Hi I'm Dag and I'm queer."  But I also do not censor myself.  If I'm in a car with someone and I see someone attractive I will say, "Ooooo, he's cute."  If a co-worker asks which actress I think is hot, I will tell them Russell Tovey.

Most new people assume I'm straight.  But I've almost never told anyone I was queer.  Almost no-one has ever asked ME if I was queer.  But everyone ends up knowing in the end.

But when someone is being homophobic, I have looked people in the eye and told them that I like getting fucked in the ass.

@obras62:

First off, do you need to tell them?

Sometimes we want the people around us to accept us, when they already do/
However, if you want to be open about your sexuality, though I don't know why people have to know, then you need to tell them and then deal with the reactions.
Some will accept, some won't. Ignore those that don't and embrace the others.

@aadam101:

Why do you care?   Why would you even need to discuss your sexuality with co-workers?

Think about it for a second.  Your co-workers talk about their wives and girlfriends.  They talk about what actresses they think are hot.  Their sexuality is an intregal part of who they are.  Why should I censor myself?  To keep myself out of prison, okay that's a good reason.  But because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable?  Fuck em.

The majority of times I've "come out"  has been by answering questions.

Them: You think Beyonce is hot?
Me: Nah
Them:  So who do you think is hot?
Me:  Russell Tovey.  Love his ears.  Just wanna grab him by those freaking ears."
Them: Silence

@brianboru72:

Wow. Thanks for all your thoughts and replying to my comments. I agree with what you've said. There's a lot of pressure to conform to stereotypes- both from straight people and from the gay community itself.

It's utterly ridiculous of course, but sadly it's also human nature for people to want to box you into something they can easily understand. Well,to that I say it's their problem, not yours.

In my country, being gay is automatically connected to wanting to be a woman, and wanting feminine things. Which is ridiculous of course. People- gay or straight- come with many different interests, styles, types etc. You should be free to be the kind of person you want to be- regardless of what others say or think.

As to that good friend of yours- I can only hope he manages to get over his hangups. Life's too short to be caught up for too long in the drama of accepting your sexuality- whether bi, gay or straight or other.

I think that it's the same in the U.S.  Being gay means you are feminine.  I have been accused of "acting" masculine in order to hide my homosexuality.  As if getting fucked up the ass make me a woman.

As for that good friend of mine, I haven't seen him or talked to him in over 10 years.  Not out of anger.  Not because I was trying to punish him.  It just became too painful.  I thought it best just to make a clean break.  I sincerely hope that he is happy.  He is a good man.  Despite the pain I felt.

Hey farkme,

Good point.

@farkme:

You can have sex without a romantic or sexual attraction.
Your neighbour probably sees sex as a domination thing (like dogs not BDSM)

I can see several arguments for it being about dominance.

When I first heard about my neighbor, I figured we were going to come to blows.  I was told he was a homophobe.  A misogynist.  Violent.  A bully.  I figured a physical fight was inevitable.  I guess he had been told about me as well.  And came to the same conclusion.  The first few times we were at the same gatherings, we kept our distance from each other.  And we kept our eyes on each other.  You could almost say like dogs circling each other.  But we never did get into a physical fight.  Instead we started talking.

And that's the second thing that might support a dominance thing.  It became obvious to me that we are a lot alike.  The shit in our childhoods.  Our teen years.  Attitudes.  Philosophies.  Emotions.  It was almost (but not quite) like he was a heterosexual, homophobic, misogynistic version of me.  (Or maybe I'm a queer version of him.)  Anyway, maybe we're too much alike.  And he's got to assert dominance.

But I don't think so.  We've been neighbors for a few years now.  We've talked a lot in that time.  And he's talked about his childhood.  He's been vulnerable.

And just before our last meeting, before that night he whispered in my ear, we were at the same Halloween party.  And so the last time he was at my home, he told me he was watching me at that Halloween party.  He said he admired the way that I stood and walked.  He liked the look of my back and shoulders.

And the last time he was here, the same night he whispered in my ear.  He did something I found curious.  He pledged to protect my wife.  And to defend her honor.  I don't know why he did this.  But it doesn't feel like the actions of a man who is trying to assert dominance over me.

Hey there,  JerodParker.
Thanks for the comments

@JerodParker:

Good answer.  Good job, dude

But I hope you're still available to your neighbor as a friend cuz he's probably in a troubled state right now and does need someone who will listen.  Whatever happens to him, be it he realizes he's bi or it becomes an open marriage or he swings or whatever.

BTW, you're married?  You ended saying you're bisexual but you didn't mention you're married to a woman.  Do you have children?

My home is open to my neighbor.  And when he's ready to come over, I'll be here.  But I really think it should be up to him.  He'll come over when he's ready.  Maybe he'll never be ready.

Yup, I'm married.  Known my wife for 20 years.  Been married about half that.  When we met we hit it off.  She actually hated all men.  Figured all men were rapist.  Thought alcohol made men violent.  I know I fascinated her.  Three months after we first met we moved in together.  Been living as a married couple since then.  During those first 5 years, I asked her to marry me.  Several times.  She always turned me down.  Then I happened to be hospitalized.  I was unconscious when I was wheeled into the emergency room.  Legally, my mom was my next of kin.  Even though we weren't talking, even though we hadn't seen each other in years, she got to make all the medical decisions.  And she excluded my future wife.  Wouldn't even let her come see me.  After I got out of the hospital, she asked me to marry her.

We wanted to have kids.  Tried for years.  Finally went to the doctors.  Found out we were physically incapable of having kids.  It was painful.  Still is.  I think I would have made a good dad.

@dzirlo:

@hhsq:

A little rant here, if I may: I hate when people (most oftenly tops) think that the bottom is not enjoying himself when his dick is limp.

why would u hate it, it could be a concern for your sexual partner.

although i like it, i too am partly worried with a new partner i don't know well that he's not enjoying if it's limp. it could be that. not  necessarily. but it could.

I can understand a lot from visual clues, but it is really important to communicate with your partner.  Top or bottom, if something hurts, is painful, or is something you want to stop, you really need to say that.  I do not want to be a rapist.  If we are having sex and I start sucking your tits.  If you don't like that, you need to tell me to stop.  If I start licking your armpits and you think that it's gross, you need to tell me.  Sometimes visual clues can be misread.

I remember once, I was getting fucked.  It felt so damn good that I started moaning loudly.  The guy fucking me stopped and asked if I was okay.  I remember growling at him, "Don't stop fucking me!"  His conclusion was wrong, but his intentions were good.  Communication even during sex is a good thing.

@JerodParker:

Aw, what happened with the neighbor of yours?

I'd say expand his mind by giving him a taste but… he's married.  So that's a negative there.

I haven't seen my neighbor since that night.  I'm going to let him make the next move.

But I will say, I won't help anyone cheat.  I would not have sex with him unless his wife knows and accepts.  And I have told him as much.  He has asked about open relationships.  And I have told him about polyamory.  He knows where I stand.

I told my wife what happened.  She thinks getting romantically or sexually involved with a closeted neighbor is a road to disaster.  And I am inclined to agree.

And finally, perhaps most importantly.  I don't want to get involved with a closeted guy.  I don't like dishonesty.  Oh, I believe that everyone needs to come out on their own timetable.  But this guy has a wife and kids.  I've met his parents.  I'm not sure I would have the ability to pretend we weren't fucking, let alone the willingness to pretend.

I like this guy as a friend.  I really hope we can remain friends.  But anything sexual just doesn't seem right.

Interesting questions.  Not as simple as I first thought when I read the title.

Upon reflection, I think that I act as if there are different types of virginity.  When contacted on a hook-up app, I never ask if someone is a virgin.  I'll always ask, "Have you been butt fucked?" and "Have you been throat fucked?"  The answer varies.  Someone can give great blow jobs but have never been fucked in the ass.  Someone can love being butt fucked but never been throat fucked.

See, I can train a virgin, but it's not really something I want to do.  Helping a virgin with their first time being butt fucked or throat fucked takes a lot of time, patience and energy.  Not something I want to invest in when I'm looking for a quick fuck on a hook-up app.

As for your last question, it depends on the definition of "gay."  In my mind, at least, gay and homosexual and queer are not all the same things.  I see gay as relating to culture.  Homosexual as the simple physical desire and attraction towards someone of the same gender.  And queer as meaning anyone who is not straight (gay, lesbian, bi, trans, asexual, etc).

But then, maybe the question isn't important.  If you want to go to gay discos and hang rainbow flags all over your home, go for it.  I don't care who you're fucking.  If you want to fuck a man and then afterwards you want to fuck a woman, I don't see why anyone should have the right to judge you.  Pursue the relationships you want.  Have sex or don't have sex on YOUR timetable.  Resist the pressure to be something you're not.  Do what make YOU happy.

@hhsq:

A little rant here, if I may: I hate when people (most oftenly tops) think that the bottom is not enjoying himself when his dick is limp. I've heard of tops that were personally offended or turned off by their limp dicked bottoms. But many bottoms stay limp! It doesn't mean they are not enjoying! So, of course, I have no problems with that!

I agree.

I can get into domination and submission, but I see limp dicks as something separate from that.  Just because a bottom is limp, it doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't enjoying it or is in pain or is submissive.

But I don't see the act of fucking as complete until the bottom nuts as well.

(And by all means, rant.  I for one likes to hear what is on people's minds.)

@dickcummings:

One of the most fascinating experiences I've ever read here. Better then so-called 'stories', but than - this is from real life  :hug: I'd fuck you as well, but I'm not straight 

Thanks.  Much appreciated.

And y'know, I don't actually try to have sex with straight guys.  The thing I want most from a top is for him to know what he's doing and for him to do it without hesitation.

brianboru72 , thank you for your words and for your understanding.

@brianboru72:

Well- thanks for sharing your experiences. It was an interesting read.
Sadly, it sounds like you've been caught up with people who were either closeted, or just couldn't bring themselves to accept their attraction to men unless they were safely drunk as an excuse.

The second guy I mentioned, the good friend of mine.  After the first time we fucked, he would show up at my apartment with a bottle of liquor.  And I swear, he would almost be pouring the shots straight down my throat.  Finally I told him, "You don't need to get me drunk to fuck me."

And after the first time we fucked, he said the familiar, "I was so drunk last night, I can't remember anything that happened."  Over the course of months, he said that several more times.  Until I replied, "Well I remember everything that happened."  His face fell and he actually muttered under his breath, "uh-oh."

"I was so drunk last night…"  I've come to hate that sentence.

@brianboru72:

Also- thanks to movies and TV- people have some preconceived notions of how gay men should act and when you don't fit those stereotypes you throw them off. 
I think it's good there are people like you around to shake things up and show them that there isn't just one "type" of gay person. I hope that's some consolation for you. I can understand your frustration.

The gay community bears as much responsibility for this as does Hollywood.

I remember when I was 17.  I had just begun to understand my sexual attraction for guys.  But I had not told anyone yet.  So like a million emerging queers before me, I made my way to the local gay ghetto.  West Hollywood, in my case.  I went to A Different Light Bookstore.  Sat at a gay coffee house reading an issue of Frontiers.  Visited the Gay & Lesbian Center.  After a whole day in West Hollywood, I remember coming home and lying on my bed on my side.  I remember staring at the wall.  And feeling despair.

I had been told that I couldn't listen to punk and be gay.  I couldn't have a mohawk and be gay.  That once I accepted my homosexuality I would… What?  Like disco?  Interior design?  Flower arranging?

I am 45.  It's been about 5 years since I last went to a gay bar.  Maybe 10 years since I went to a Pride march.  Yeah, I have a couple of hook up apps on my phone.  I watch gay porn.  But I have never felt a connection to the gay community.  In my experience, I was far more likely to have punks accept my homosexuality.  I was far more likely to be rejected by gays for being punk.

Beginning at 17, I was accused of being homophobic.  And of having internal homophobia.  But y'know, I fought for gay rights.  I attended marches.  Helped organize rallies.  Gathered signatures.  Handed out flyers.  Didn't matter.  I refused to "act gay."  So I was a homophobe.

Don't get me wrong.  I don't want a pat on the back.  I don't want your tears.  I believe that I must do what is right because it is right and for no other reason.  Reward and punishment is irrelevant.  You do what is right because it is right and not because you want a fucking reward.  Not because you're trying to avoid punishment.

I am trying to illustrate a point.  The gay community is equally responsible for perpetuating a stereotype.  And not just the gay community.  As a kid, my cousins and neighbors bashed me.  I wasn't a "real" Mexican because I didn't like beans or R&B (seriously).  To the kids at school, I wasn't a "real" man because I didn't like sports.  To my local parish, I wasn't a "real" Christian because I would not condemn those who thought differently.

And don't think that I am the opposite of gay.  Or that because I like punk, I'll hate you for not liking punk.  I fully support your right to listen to disco.  If you want to be an interior designer, you should be.  I fully support your right to do what makes you happy.  And I accept that what makes you happy can be different from what make me happy.

But I will resist any pressure to make me a stereotype.

@UncleDolan:

@ChicanoDag:

When I was in my mid twenties, I was having a one night stand with a random guy I had met.  We'd sucked each other and I fucked him.  At one point he was riding me when he abrubtly got off.  No problem.  I thought that maybe he wanted a break from being fucked and was going to suck my cock.  But instead, he removed the condom I was wearing and than sat back down.  I was shocked for a few seconds.  Than, I admit, I hit him.  I left him on the floor of his bedroom as I dressed and left.  He didn't say or do anything.  Guess he didn't want to make me any angrier.

But the one that I remember as my worst happened when I was a teenager.  Nothing too horrible, but I still see it as one of my worst experiences.  It was also one of my first sexual experiences.  An older man had hit on me and asked to take me to a hotel.  I was surprised that I had been propositioned (I was very young and very closeted)  and I was surprised to hear myself agreeing.  He had me hide in his car while he got the room.  Once in the room, he began showing me pictures of his wife and kids.  Seeing the photos, I realized I was about the same age as his son.  Creeped me out a bit at the time.  Then he pulled down his pants and grabbed the back of my head. I sucked his cock for less then a minute and then he jizzed in my mouth.  Not a problem there, as I was wanting to taste his cum.  But than he patted me on the head, told me what a good boy I was, and rolled over and fell asleep.  And there I was, a fully clothed teen boy, on my knees with the most painful, raging boner I had ever had and a snoring man in front of me.  I was angry.  I thought of taking his wallet.  I guess I wanted some sort of revenge.  But I didn't take it.  Just got up, walked out, and headed home.

There are some sneaky fuckers that take off condoms during sex - always be aware of them.
As for your teen experience - I think you're lucky it didn't end worse,with you beaten in the middle of a country road.
What an asshole he was though,not caring for you to get off.Damn I always make sure to come last,I'm a fucking gentleman.
How did you manage to go back home?

This happened in Long Beach, a fairly sizable city in Southern California.  And I should have said motel instead of hotel.  I grew up in Long Beach.  And knew it like the back of my hand.  I don't think there was any place you could drop me off and I couldn't find my way home.  And as a teen, I was used to walking everywhere.  To school.  To my friend's.  To my cousin's.  I remember walking from Long Beach to Whittier to beg money off my brother.  Didn't seem like such a long way back then.

Also, this happened in the day time.  I was supposed to be meeting up with a friend, but he didn't show.  Not a problem, he probably got into a fight with his parents.  I was about to leave when the guy approached me.  I'm sure nothing would have happened if my friend had shown up.  As it was, my hormones were fucking with my head.  Like dangling a steak in front of a starving man.

At that age I was an angry, violent, snotty, smart ass kid.  Sometimes I would leave my parent's house on a Thursday and return on a Sunday.  They'd rage and yell.  Ground me.  Lock me out.  But I just left when I wanted to and returned when I wanted to.  Even if I had to break in.  So if anything had happened, I don't think anyone would have been looking for me until a week had passed.  If that.  So yeah, probably a dangerous thing to do.  Although if I'm honest.  Not the most dangerous thing I did at that age.

I have to ask the question:

Does it matter?

If you want to have sex with a man, have sex with a man.  If you then want to have sex with a woman, have sex with a woman.  Pursue the relationships you want to pursue.  Is it really so important to tick a box on a form.  I mean, you don't need a gay license to have sex with men.  Or to have permission to pursue a romantic relationship.  If that was the case, mine would have been revoked a long time ago.  And I'd still be having sex with men.  "Fuck the system!"

I second what spam17 said. "Ultimately, it's best to not worry about it. If you like someone, like em. If you don't, don't."

I've known my wife since 1996.  Twenty fucking years this November.  From the beginning I have been open and honest about my sexual attraction to guys.  It's never been an issue between us.  The way I approach all my relationships, I tell you who I am honestly, no games.  Tell you what I like.  What I can accept.  And what I can't accept.  If it's compatible with your list, great.  If not, we shake hands, wish each other luck and move on.

While being with my wife, I have had sex with guys.  One night stands.  Fuck buddies.  Even dated.  But it's always been the guys who have the problem.  Sometimes they can't get it out of their heads and act and believe that I am cheating.  Often they become jealous of my wife.  My wife and I have been together a long time.  We worked on our relationship for years.  Someone I've known for two months can't expect the same type of relationship as with a women I've known 5, 10, or 20 years.

My wife has given relationship advice to guys I've dated.  Almost every time, they ignore it or do the exact opposite.  Than I blow up because they've done something that enrages me.  And attacking my wife is a very bad move.  My wife is capable of defending herself.  She has backed me up in physical fights.  I am not jealous where she is concerned.  She has dated and had sex with other guys.  I know she is with me.  And if there ever comes a time when she doesn't want to be with me, I trust in her honesty, trust that she'll tell me.  I am not a jealous man.  But once, someone I was seeing called my wife a bitch…

So gay?  bi?  I no longer care.  I like what I want to like.  Do what I want to do.  Try not to cause too much damage as I live my life.  You don't like that?  You can fuck off.

And as for stereotypes... I'll wear what I want to wear.  If it's a purple fucking tutu, I'll wear a purple fucking tutu.  I'll dance along to a Bollywood musical.  Scream out the lyrics to a punk song.  Bake some goddamn cookies.  I will not let anyone tell me how to be gay.  I will not let anyone tell me how to be straight.  How to be a "real" man.  I make the decisions for me.  I will live my life the way I want to live it.

I think I'm in the minority.  But I love the sight of limp dick bottoms getting fucked.  A hard dick bottom is okay, but there is something about limp dicks that get me off.  The way the dick looks shriveled in it's foreskin.  The way it flops back and forth when doggie style.  The way the balls bounce when fucked on his back.  The balls don't bounce the same when the dick is hard.  It's that movement of a limp dick and balls that I find so hot.

Anyone else?

My pet peeve is in regards to crossgeneration / dad & son porn.  Yeah, I understand it's a fantasy.  But it's annoying when the guys are only 5 or 10 years apart.  For me, it doesn't have to be involving an 18 year old.  A scene with a guy in his thirties and a guy in his fifties is pretty damn hot.  But a 20 year old and a 27 year old?  You have no right to call it crossgeneration.  They're peers!

I used to think that I was straight.  Than I thought I was gay.  Than Bisexual.  Now I just don't care.

I am now 45.  I first came out as gay when I was 17.  I remember my mom looking me in the eyes and calmly saying "no you're not."  To this day, I don't think she has ever changed this opinion.

All my life I have been referred to as "straight" and "straight acting."  No matter how loudly I declare that I love sucking cock and swallowing jizz. I once worked at a gay bookstore and the customers constantly referred to me as "the straight clerk."  While I worked at the post office, I said I was gay.  I was told that there was no policy against dating co-workers and that I didn't need to pretend to be gay.  When a neighbor recently found out i was gay he said, "You hide it very well."  All this annoys me greatly.

As a young man I often wore skirts and fishnet stockings.  It's true that I also wore combat boots, had a mohawk and was eager to get into physical fights.  I would look people in the eyes and tell them I love getting fucked in the ass.  Ready to strike back if they tried to put me in my place. And I guess that's what makes me "straight acting."  But I resent that.  I resent that aggression makes me a "man."  That defiance makes me "straight."

The first time I got hit on by a straight guy I was still a teenager.  17 or 19.  Friends and I would go camping on the weekends.  We'd drag bottles of liquor with us as well as our camping gear.  Sometimes we'd get blackout drunk.  Once I was sharing my tent with a friend.  In the middle of the night he woke me up and wanted to have sex.  I didn't believe he was serious, told him to shut the fuck up and went back to sleep.  The next day he wouldn't look me in the eye.  Wouldn't talk to me.  And sulked at the edge of our campsite.  That's when I understood that he had been serious.  Than I loudly announced that I had drank so much the previous night, that I couldn't remember anything that happened.  Well that worked.  He became my friend again.  Laughing along with the rest of us.

The most traumatic time happened when I was in my early thirties.  I had a close friend who became separated from his wife.  This was a really good friend of mine.  Than one New Year's Eve party we were drinking and talking and laughing together.  Next thing I knew, I was in the middle of a kiss.  Man, that kiss was the best I ever had.  Physical and emotional and warm and comforting.  He took me back to his place and we spent that New Years fucking each other.  The next time I saw him after that was with a group of friends almost all of whom were at that New Year's Eve party.  My friend immediately began reasserting his "straightness."  I remember one of our friends saying "Looks like someone's gone back into the closet."  The next few months were a combination of heaven and hell.  Alone, he was gentle and affectionate.  As soon as someone else appeared, he would literally push me away.  I couldn't take it.  I ended the relationship and moved from the area.

A few days ago, a neighbor was over my house.  If you're over my house, I will push food onto you.  Alcohol.  Soft drinks.  Juice.  If  you're a guest at my house, what's mine is yours.  Well, I was sharing a bottle of liquor with this guy.  We talked about politics.  Current events.  Personal history.  Than he started repeating over and over that he wasn't gay.  Okay.  I didn't care.  He knew I was. He was a homophobe when we met.  Than I became one of the "good gays," whatever that means.  I don't think he's a homophobe anymore.  He asks questions.  I answer them.  (Last time he was over he asked what caused gayness.  I said I didn't know and I didn't care.  No-one has the right to tell me I can't fuck men.)  Well we ended up in my kitchen.  Standing.  Facing each other.  He kept repeating that he wasn't gay.  Had no interest in guys.  That gay sex disgusted him.  "Thou dost protest too much," I thought.  Than he leaned in very close.  And whispered in my ear, "I want to fuck you."  And so I walked him to his house.  He was stumble down drunk.  At his front door, his wife thanked me for seeing him home safe.  And I went home and went to bed.  Next morning, all the memories of the night flooded back.  And it felt like an ice pick in my heart.

I don't know what I mean by this post.  What, if anything, I'm asking.  Maybe just venting.